Recently i ve found myself seeing things around me from a slightly..how to say...uhh.. darker slant of life..

And i am unable to placate or hold my tongue when spotting or interacting with those who have no grasp on their ego or position....or those i see as blatant manipulative , passive aggresive, fakers.... or people who seemingly gain the above egos with some shady psuedo-success garnered via sneaky copy cat methods and never redistribute accolades.

So on that bitter tip, i thought i d repost a lil something i found , that agrees with my ongoing astonishmnet at the acceptness of Dane Cook as the IT kid comedian.

..... His success is his whole story, with his hit album Retaliation, his HBO special Vicious Circle, his Jessica Simpson comedy Employee of the Month. But when does the funny start? How can any comedian get this famous with no jokes? It's like he's a lovable character Will Ferrell made up ....(continue reading ....)

Infinite Loop: iPhone *confirmed*: " October 16, 2006 @ 2:37PM - posted by Charles Jade iPhone *confirmed* AppleInsider claims Apple Computer is trademarking iPhone 'with a Far Eastern trademark office,' wherever that would be. In the September 15th filing, Apple describes iPhone as 'handheld and mobile digital electronic devices for the sending and receiving of telephone calls, faxes, electronic mail, and other digital data; MP3 and other digital format audio players.' Additional functionality beyond music playing includes personal information management and that of a 'stand alone video game machine.' It sounds great, if it's true, but rumor sites have been touting the iPhone almost as long as the iTablet. However, unlike the mythical Tablet Mac, six-figure analysts are talking up the iPhone too. The latest prediction is from Jesse Tortora, an analyst with Prudential Equity Group. Via the International Business Times, it's being reported that two models of iPhones may be unveiled at the Macworld Expo in January."

I have to admit, I’m solidly in LifeClever’s corner on this one. They write:

A few years ago, things like WebDAV were a novelty that was awesome but hard to find and setup, even on most shared server accounts — I have four, and only one currently supports it out of the box — but it’s certainly not enough goods for the average user, even when you look at the other pieces of the .Mac offering. Not for that kind of dough.

I see the most value in .Mac: a) for people who are totally new to Our World, and who want idiot-proof integration between their Mac and the big bad world, and b) people who work on several Macs and can benefit from the hugely useful ability to sync files and settings on user accounts.

Part of the problem, in my opinion is that, in the absence of best-of-breed components, .Mac lacks any kind of meaningful focus. It screams ‘shovelware,’ with a ‘Meh+’ lineup of apps and functionality that any power user can find elsewhere in both cheaper and more powerful services (Wordpress, rsync, Gmail, and Google Calendar all come to mind here). And really: how often are you sending out iCards and using the janky Backup? Yeah, me neither.

If it were my company, I’d give away a generic version of .Mac for free, and then make back some of the cash via additional disk and mail space. That’s it. It’s a customer retention and branding tool, and unless the pieces all were to receive substantial improvements (and constant incremental improvement, like their free competitors), it’s cynical to pretend that it’s worth $100/year to the garden-variety user.

But what if — with better integration and more competitive pricing — I could have .Mac running the day I turn on my new Mac, and then happily discover that I can seamlessly have my Documents and purchased iTunes Library backed up to a secure server every night? No, Apple doesn’t want to be in the internet hard drive business, but, obviously, via things like the iTunes Store, they have a strong interest in seeing you love the idea of interacting with them and their servers long after you’ve made the final payment on that shiny new Mac. Dot Mac is the perfect place to make that happen: be my hub, and do it better than your competitors.

Because I treasure the sync functionality and like iDisk well enough, I doubt I’d cancel anytime soon, but, frankly, I think I’m an edge case. As new Mac consumers mature and begin to explore the wonderful services out there that are improving every week, the .Mac offering starts to look pretty lame.

Completely off-topic: What’s the deal with naming your products Google-unfriendly names like ‘Mail’ and ‘Backup’ and ‘.Mac’? I’ve never gotten that.

disclaimer: i am not very smart when it comes to mattersof 'da heart“
so if you are looking for advice or some insight...leave now.
that said, ...
i am in a weird point in my life: where i dont know what i want , while that in itself is not weird,..what is weird is....that i trully want to want the right thing ..yet i am at a loss.. i have some pretty heavy crushes of late.. but im not sure they are of the healthy variety.. for me, anyway.

what do i do - how do i sort out whether the type of human i am attracted to is the healthy type..fuck this shit is hard. why cant it be like in the gdamn movies or something.

See here: AL attempts to show a potential pathway towards enlightenment ..yet mw seems hesitant to hear..

The makers of deceptively named new energy drink Cocaine insist that their product has been made 350 percent stronger than now-pussified jitter-beverage Red Bull by 280 milligrams of street-legal caffeine, not, as you might hope, by a secret, powdery ingredient imported by tied-off condom in the digestive tract of Colombian mules. Still, we assume that the company will do everything they can to fully leverage the power of their adorably controversial brand, from handing out free cans from crowded stalls of Hollywood clubs to paying millions of dollars to officially sponsor the next five years of Lindsay Lohan's life. Really, the marketing campaign writes itself.

how about this heartfelt love note i received on myspizzaz this am:

That awkward space in time when you make a final exchange of personal items..or something like that. Maybe just the first tine you 'run' into them post ending the friendship.. Its so tight and sad and unauthentic. Smile. Be Nice. Ask simple quick plain questions.-All in an awkward , unresolved energy zone. Its the sadest part , to me, in human relationships - not the ending of them...but these specific moments of inauthenticity , after allowing the same human into parts real & authentic. -------- TITLE: Good morgan AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/07/2006 07:43:00 AM ----- BODY: i slept so much yesterday that i over awake now. and motivated to do shit that i cant do caus eits too early. gdamn it. ....why does everyone always tell me to get spellcheck? -------- TITLE: hills_dirtyblvd4.jpg AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/05/2006 10:40:00 AM ----- BODY:

hills looking perty on the dirty blvd.
Originally uploaded by tannerc.

it was my bday yesterday, and seeing as this is a day that celebrates my entrance to the planet- and my lil brother has already written such an eloquent piece already honoring my mom..and i am a lil lazy ...Today i offer you this ode for my mom..,by patrick ..
..thanks patrick, its beautiful..and thankyou mom. i love you.

a little baffled as to why/ where/ how i ended up here...quite proud of the stuff i have self learn-ed but un satisfied.
i need input really.. i would love to hear suggestions. what am i missing , or overlooking, that will lead me down that golden path we are al supposed to find and follow?
help

Technorati Tags: bio, direction, fantasies, flake, genius, hollywood, life, life_path, me, purpose, tannerc, workish

-------- TITLE: the new show (pod?vid cast..) from Lyam Lynch AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/15/2006 09:05:00 AM ----- BODY: how very much do i love his first guest? (answer: very very much) -------- TITLE: woah big brothah AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/15/2006 07:23:00 AM ----- BODY: After the last week a nd seeing this following article....im thinking canada sounds ok soon.

DOJ Moves to Dismiss AT&T Class Action under Cover of Night May 13, 2006- - Early Saturday morning, in the darkest hours of the night, the Department of Justice made good its threat to file a motion to dismiss our class-action lawsuit against AT&T...READ ON HERE....

jeesus. what can we do about these things. such a powerless feeling .

Technorati Tags: usa, liars, tannerc, sad, taintme, creelman, canadian-ism, lame

-------- TITLE: pure creelman AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/13/2006 03:24:00 PM ----- BODY:

IMG_8304
Originally uploaded by paveena.

duwde.. my brother can do the splits ..standing up....on a ladder. and wearing white.
thats weird.

-------- TITLE: NSA's data mining explained | CNET News.com AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/13/2006 04:39:00 AM ----- BODY: NSA's data mining explained | CNET News.com: "To answer some questions about the program and how it likely works, CNET News.com has created the following list of answers to frequently asked questions. Keep reading. Q: What new information came out this week? USA Today published an article on Thursday that said AT&T, Verizon and BellSouth turned over records of millions of phone calls to the National Security Agency. These are not international calls--they're apparently records of all calls that those companies' customers made. Two things are worth noting. First, based on the newspaper's description, contents of phone calls were not divulged. Second, customers' names, street addresses and other personal information were not handed over. Q: When you say records of phone calls were turned over, what does that mean? That's a reference to 'call detail records,' or CDRs, which are database entries that record the parties to the conversation, the duration of the call and so on. This appears to include local phone calls and not just long-distance calls. CDRs are stored in massive telephone company databases. Cisco Systems' Unified CallManager lets customers use SQL queries to dig up information about each call. Those internal databases have either been opened up to outside queries from the NSA or (more likely) duplicated and handed over to the NSA on a regular basis. Q: If the NSA has my phone number, can it get my name and address? Yes. The NSA can cross-check other databases to obtain that information. Many commercial data vendors, such as Yahoo People Search and LexisNexis' People Locator, do just that--and count many federal agencies among their customers." -------- TITLE: okay not so much spirit-chew-al.. AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/11/2006 11:48:00 AM ----- BODY: but soul saving nonetheless: i love you man " ..because i saw you had a page on myspace , so i knew you were legit" -------- TITLE: soulsearching on google AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/07/2006 01:43:00 AM ----- BODY:

'cause i 'm flaky like that..a soulsearcher..
and cause i find a need for distraction as of late..

ive gathered some links that might be of use tosome.. a little form the mindfullness invoked via 43folders and a little from my random google searchs: hopefully bring some peace or questioning or somehing positive to someone. -------- TITLE: hollywood 's kewl sometimes. AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/20/2006 06:26:00 PM ----- BODY: Today is 4/20... and because of these options (none of which i will partake in.._) but that fact that they are happening...well..it just makes me love this town.( just today )
-------- TITLE: inspite of my own fearful self AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/16/2006 06:48:00 AM ----- BODY:

ive had the nicest visit with my girlfriends this weekend...despite my fear of leaving home ..re: taxes..the weather..etc etc ..all the stupisd shit that keeps me from lovely experiences such as this .

april is the month of almost all my best friends bdays( aries fan, i suppose) and two of the girl version's planned a weekend in the desert..just us..i wanted to come and had been looking frwd to it.. ..until friday hit and it was pissing rain and i was running around la doing taxes banking and all sorts of tedious neccassary crap...but i knew i would be the ass of all asses if i didnt show up. as in girl best-ies no more..then it would be only me and the guys in my life..whom ar eall awesome..just that i think i need ladies..ya know?
and seeing as these woman are the tried and true ( one of whom , as we lamented over dinner sat., i met when i was dating her boyfriend..oops) They are the only females i ve had in my life over the long haul in los angeles.
so off i went and whoah! look who had the best sleeps of her life,practically...had late night hotubs, went to awesome dinner at fancy restaurant..bought awesome bday present for one of the boy vs's with another bday...? me! , inspite of my own disparaging self.

Technorati Tags: tannerc, taintme, creelman, friends, bdays, hollywood, taxes

-------- TITLE: Gym*nice*tics AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/11/2006 11:31:00 PM ----- BODY: and in the category of best lines from upcoming potential hilarious movies:

"Its not called ......Gym'nice'tics"

From "stick It" a new teen chick flick about gymnastics- from "the bring it on" people.

hahahhahahahhaah I have a renewed love of movies because of this neish genre of chick teen movies..mean girls 13 going on 30, bring iton....and hopefully the above award winner. -------- TITLE: since i love to search: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/08/2006 05:39:00 PM ----- BODY: AND because i am bored with myveryownself...and to sheild you from the shitty things i would otherwise be writing about at this juncture.. ..i ve decided to be productive(??), (ish)-right here right now and attempt to document and post my fiendish findings from my online overuse - which will hopefully be reviews/roundups of cool shit online. much like stuff they write about at the bigkids sites... just a la taintme. ok ...here goes fetish fiendingfinding post number one:

(where in i spent absurd amounts of time googlyaHooAsking the interweb what the hell web-2.o-means... and more importantly: what is cool and meaninful or useful about it)

i spent a few days going through this site's" web 2.o awards", where there is along list of unbelievabley cool time /life /space saving speeder upper apps , for writing..billing drawing looking editing..playing dating you name it; but seeing as (i'm selfcentered to the extreme), i based my first review on me and my pursuit of a new home in hollywood which was becoming a daunting and uninspired task ... until this lil "web 2.0" app i found changed all this negativity: housingmaps dude..its just a mashup of google maps and craigslist..but combined..its sooo much more than that.. just go..if you want to buy..sell rent most major cities..... set your price range and add whatever filters you'd like. ( my filters: hollywood, bathtub 1500-2000dollahs/mnth)and be delighted... instantly. its quick and slick and pictures included.i loooove it.

Technorati Tags: 43folders, GShD, purpose, favorite, a-Ha, direction, hollywood, mindfulness, taintme, tannerc, fuckinEh, genius, workish, gimmicks, portfolio

Technorati Tags: 43folders, a-Ha, direction, favorite, fuckinEh, genius, gimmicks, GShD, hollywood, mindfulness, portfolio, purpose, taintme, tannerc, workish

-------- TITLE: upload your profile yet"? AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/01/2006 10:23:00 PM ----- BODY: Hahah -------- TITLE: Google Romance finder AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/01/2006 07:41:00 AM ----- BODY: the facts should help you figure it owt. ahem. this is a little excerpt that makes my morning.. and kinda makes me love the people working /running google,fer fuckin sure: (click on the highlighted titles to read the awesomeness)

Pin All your Romantic Hopes On Google

When you think about it, love is just another search problem. And weve thought about it. A lot. Google Romance ™ is our solution.
Google Romance is a place where you can post all types of romantic information and, using our Soulmate Search™, get back search results that could, in theory, include the love of your life. Then we'll send you both on a Contextual DateTM, which we'll pay for while delivering to you relevant ads that we and our advertising partners think will help produce the dating results you're looking for.

With Google Romance, you can:

Upload your profile – tell the world who you are, or, more to the point, who you’d like to think you are, or, even more to the point, who you want others to think you are. Search for love in all (or at least a statistically significant majority of) the right places with Soulmate Search, our eerily effective psychographic matchmaking software. Endure, via our Contextual Dating option, thematically appropriate multimedia advertising throughout the entirety of your free date.

Technorati Tags: A-ha, fuckinEh, tannerc, lovelife, awesome, taintme, funny

-------- TITLE: Myspace AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/28/2006 06:56:00 PM ----- BODY:

myspace continues to fucking fascinate me... ...... ive come full circle from hating it for its obviousness of self promotion to recognizing the awesomeness of this very self promotion .

Its allowed a never before accessible promotional playing field for anyone (bands-singles..comedians..) - to full on self promote and attempt to sell themselves to the masses- for free . The key being their accessible captive world mercado..( but no javascripting allowed!) The sellers popularity is based on true opinions..( not 55 yr old fat fucks basing the signing of a band on which one will pull more hotties for their corporate coke-lairs) Coupled with a girlfriend who knows how to use 'whore trains'**...and their practically famous...so big ups for A free market that actually works..

but allow me my pms rant now..lets get to the part that seems it could be silently killing the lovely aesthetic that has been emerging online ever since accesibility and standards became fashionable... its a viral like trend ....on the space, leading to the rapid regression of aesthetic standards...

It consists of millions of animated gifs and wacky “wallpapers” ..everywhere... mostly via the generators that offer to freely 'pimp' profiles ..created by the space “coders” .

I just want to know why everyone is so enamored of sparkling pixels....

why are they soo in demand? what about them makes it so triple awesome for you that you just gotta put them all over your page ..in comments...on blogs...everywhere...tell me Please....

is it that you like creating gawddawful unreadable browser breaking atrocities? cant be.

but then Why do you “automate ' sending the 'personalized' waving sparklers banners 'Thanks 4 the add?” .. to all new friends ...... note: this emblazoned on every comment page is not 'personal', nor is it sweet funny or cute..its not 'smart' or sassy, either...its just weird.

and confusing...

The scariest part? is that its being led and popularized by some of the more style saavy trend setters among us... you know..the tip'o'the hip trendy haircut types of hollweird....and beyond.

the-in-the-know-on-the-list-roosevelt(teddys-)-whitebelts-are so -cahuenga 2 summers ago..types.

but gawd bless their hip hearts..cause there they are...sooo excited about gangsta kenny's and twinkling neon stars wallpapers...

Its all terrible..

....and made more so because ..gosh..i hate to say this..but , for the most part, the gliteratti usage, is not ..i repeat: not 'tongue in cheek' .

its as though all those pimp users are under a weird pixelated spell or something....

sorry. but im kinda mortified,

how did this happen?

what kinda foolery train is tom pulling?

Technorati Tags: fuckinEh, genius, gimmicks, Hitch, hollywood, lame, music, myspace, spam, taintme, tannerc, weird, workish

-------- TITLE: meLElandGd1 AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/22/2006 09:24:00 AM ----- BODY:

leeeeeeeland prior to dream

-------- TITLE: holy cow: i m slighty autistic AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/19/2006 07:28:00 PM ----- BODY: i took this test and scored 23-its called the autism spectrum quotient. 23 is above average. perhaps not in a good way? jeez. -------- TITLE: creelman pictures AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/19/2006 06:16:00 PM ----- BODY: here are pictures i uploadd for my brother for his birthday. please be kind when viewing my unfortunatey large teeth.. picts -------- TITLE: sunday AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/19/2006 06:04:00 PM ----- BODY: total lazy sunday . i cant quite bring myself to motivate at all.. i went running and did errands this am. but since coming home at noon...well ive been on the couch, watching 13 going on 30 amongst other movies and random brain numbing tv shows. go me.

Technorati Tags: tannerc, fuckinEh, me, flake, lame, taintme

-------- TITLE: look AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/17/2006 04:56:00 PM ----- BODY:

this shit is tight.

Technorati Tags: fuckinEh, bio, family, fantasies, favorite, life, lovelife, me, puppy, shags, skaterboy, taintme, tannerc, venice, yoga, zbdt, mrweisser, direction

-------- TITLE: veniceShagsWfr AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/17/2006 04:53:00 PM ----- BODY:

veniceShagsWfr
Originally uploaded by tannerc.

ladies and gentlemen: mr weisser

-------- TITLE: best evr AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/13/2006 03:37:00 AM ----- BODY: went to df this eve. and holy crap they rule. kevin's voice is so unbelievable - sang the ff/zep medley that pretty much destroys me its insane how good they are. imagine if they were writing their own stuff. crazy a lot of ganster types there. strange breed, stand in place, dont dance, ask a lot of weird questions..mid song, while im dancing and smoke 'the other cigarettes" constanty. its a wonder they can speak at all withhow high they must be. -------- TITLE: sick AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/10/2006 10:18:00 PM ----- BODY: i was sick AGAIN ..thats 3 times in 3 months. mold. its got to be. -------- TITLE: And yet another reason to support my no babies rule: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/07/2006 02:37:00 PM ----- BODY: ...because what if they end up like this, i couldnt deal with being the proud mom...sorry.. id be WAY too embarrassed for her,in a moment like that. i will be the best aunt and go-dmother .

Technorati Tags: lovelife, direction, gimmicks, family, purpose, lame, fuckinEh, life, taintme, tannerc, weird, life_path, me

-------- TITLE: Truth in email AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/07/2006 02:24:00 PM ----- BODY: sent to me this morning:( weird..or not? it would seem someone wrote this with insider trading tips( on moi) ....or knowledge of my inner/outer werkings..or maybe they read my blog.) ---Dear A , As per the horoscope, you are under the influence of the Sun, Uranus, Venus and Mercury. You have a lonely personality and innovative ideas. You will always be attracted towards new ways of thinking. Your marriage will not be in accordance with customs and traditions. You will never see eye to eye with others.

After careful thinking, you will draw analytical conclusions about everything. Others do not approve your plans or thoughts. You will never care about others however you will care for those people whom you love. You will not like routine work and working in a team. You have the ability to become an artist, writer or an inventor and you will excel in any work you undertake. Your financial position would be uncertain. You can make money through writing and art.

Technorati Tags: yoga, genius, gimmicks, flake, purpose, direction, life, life_path, taintme, tannerc, weird, bio, me

-------- TITLE: uh-ohhh.... AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/01/2006 03:53:00 PM ----- BODY: Secunia - Advisories - Mac OS X File Association Meta Data Shell Script Execution:

__MACOSX

-------- TITLE: may the flow be with you, and also with me-moderated AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/01/2006 09:13:00 AM ----- BODY: re: donate button... First off, no, im not asking for free money...its just that I am owed manymany dollars, from a number of clients and friends, some for a good long time now.....and today im not really feeling the reciprocal flow , .....AND as you may have noticed, im on a strict diet of GSD:'gittinShitDone' -which is my dyslexic mod. of merlin_THE_mann's awesome inspiring -and dare isay:life altering-blog, and his GTD guruthese days : so i'm using this blog as an opportunity to get some shit done-and git myself paid. im in a heavy commitment to myself and my experiences.

I am aware , it was I , who accumlated the "out credits" Mostly from not knowing how to say 'no' and by choosing to be 'free'lance worker-( *littleKnownFact:it does not literally, mean free)
and today, ... ..in essence, by putting up the button, im expanding the channels and possibilities of available source flow to me and my unpaid rent etc.., so if one of you sources happen upon here..u can easily drop a reimbursemnet by clicking on donate-i love that this will be further evidence for my flow tests ...
i luv you and thankyou ...now carryon, my waywerd sons

-------- TITLE: widgets gets a second chance, AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/24/2006 10:50:00 PM ----- BODY: oops. yes it does.ahwell. maybe widgets will be of some better use to me after all. -------- TITLE: doesnt werk AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/24/2006 10:47:00 PM ----- BODY: this is my next(lst) attempt at blogger widget... -------- TITLE: sincerely, Steve AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/22/2006 09:33:00 AM ----- BODY: Feb 19, 2006 5:44 PM Subject: You are heavens beauty on earth in your photo Body: HI there You are so pure adorable in pure precious beauty. Your eyes alone melt a heart. I can not believe a lady could possess such pure gorgeous heavenly beauty as you do. I live in the Orlando Florida area, new ot the area,, I am a single software engineer, never married, no kids, who somehow feels in his heart you could complete my life, and you are a lady my life would be about. Not sure what to say. Fell free to write me back at (steve@email.com) Thanks Steve i got this on myspace. i dont know why this makes me laugh outloud sooo much. i know its generated. but its sooo great. awesome, really.

{}

Technorati Tags: email, fantasies, fuckinEh, genius, gimmicks, lovelife, myspace, party, taintme, tannerc

-------- TITLE: siblings and gurus AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/17/2006 07:03:00 AM ----- BODY: spent the week with the notorious guru to some. little brother to others: patrick . it was a total surprise that he came-now hes off to the desert to visit his teacher jon friend. -------- TITLE: what a weird life AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/16/2006 09:56:00 PM ----- BODY: explain later, maybe -------- TITLE: neil is the best EVER AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/13/2006 09:51:00 AM ----- BODY: i feel so happy about this : National Society of Film Critics -------- TITLE: best Ever AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/09/2006 03:13:00 PM ----- BODY: i got severly starstruck last night. i was driving with mr.billywirth, and we were ambling down a side street just above hollywerd blvd...when...i look over in the dark of the night and... DUWDE its noneother than dg. the man . walking from some grammy party. by himself, all hot and smiling in the dark. -------- TITLE: jord_schick AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/07/2006 10:10:00 AM ----- BODY:

image from flickr I
think i became a different person 13 years ago . when i wrote this. i wrote down 3 pages of what happened from the phone call at 8 am, up until that evening at midnight. it altered me more than any other moment in my life.
i feel sad thinking about myself then. i didnt know how to deal with it.i was 21 and living with jordan , he was 23.
fuck. life is funny and sad at the same time.

Technorati Tags: addiction, canada, direction, life, me, sad, taintme, tannerc, weird

-------- TITLE: lovely start AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/05/2006 06:26:00 AM ----- BODY: how does this new template look? -------- TITLE: imma git sheet dun AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/31/2006 03:01:00 PM ----- BODY: hmm. i feel weird. ( when do i ever not, eh?) i can definetley trace its roots today, though. Its all this shit flying up since i decided that I would reorganize my financial and 'responsibilty'' style. As in: take a good, hard (scary) look at everything that comes in and goes out- and remove the fear through knowledge..(?) and eventually ( as in weeks end) have setup a personailzed, simple system for organizing all these sorts of things in mylife: tasks and bills and receipts and invoices, phonecalls and emails....FUCK- ...with the desired end result (hopefullY) being: a far greater peace and serenity within me, ..cause this shit affects me on deep-ass levels- it is my nemisis..I m immobilized and racked with fear whenever it is looming...and i always feel like i need to lie down. which is what ive tended to do in the past..lie down . but not of late. im really attempting this full on. this shit is my last big thing. it ties me up in knots. i want to be free of all the hidden anxieties in my world. O k, enough on the problem...what am i doing to transform in this area? well i ve been inspired by this guy over the last few months..very much. and so last night i downloaded( payed dwnld, btw) this from the GTD guru. -------- TITLE: wait.... im on james freys side now AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/29/2006 06:08:00 PM ----- BODY: The other night, i randomly....no..not randomly-i forgot: random doesn't exist .....so anyway..i guess i was 'drawn' to turn the tv on , at an odd hour - and guess what (who)? was on Oprah 'confronting' the most recent blahged about topic here(and everywhere) james frey. The thing that struck me, is that oprah , seems to be behaving like she was 'confronting' mr.frey out her own humiliation...which comes off kinda looking weak. i mean the guys fucked, everyone sees it. but this appeared, to me, like an unnecessary human attack. i dunno..maybe it was just for ratings...but come on..the hard hitting questions from Oprah like ; “Were there one or two root canals , james...just answer the question....one or two?” thats lamo-rama, Oprah. I fully concede to his lameness in what he lied about about how he fronted and especially acting such a pompous ass- i even wrote a HUGE rant at him , but now...i kinda feel bad for the what seems overkill on the punishment of a person already taken down. My take at this point is that he is just a smart-ass who hadnt allowed for alot of spiritual growth ( up to know- cause you know he's going through some heavy forced spiritual growing at this point-)-with an oversized sense of importance i mean, if you read (listened) to “hisbook”-and especially if you've ever been in recovery, or have gone through you're own darknight and come through...you'd have a sense of his impossible grandiose attitude and would have had a sense (or i did anyway) of how he was setting himself up for some sort of fall- via the air of conquering something that (seemingly) needs a spiritual awakening for any conquering at all to happen, led me to feel like his path of 'awakening' was not complete- Now I think Oprah needs to check in with why shes so vehemently chastising another human -the end dialogue . was somewhat redeeming , for both of them..iguess.. kinda like Oprah won , though. Personally i just dont think the public attack in the way they did it was very graceful or 'oprah-ish' NOt that ANY of this is important to my life, other than something to one (or two) off blah-g about...

{}

Technorati Tags: addiction, coincidence, flake, Frey, fuckinEh

-------- TITLE: a million little pieces : published embellishment AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/24/2006 09:10:00 AM ----- BODY: when that shit originally came out- and everyone was raving about (and buying) James Freys book :

“ his shattering, beautiful memoir, A Million Little Pieces, James Frey does away with a lot of things: punctuation, standard grammar rules, 12-step programs, belief in a higher power, and, eventually, his addiction to alcohol and drugs. In doing so, he has rewritten the rules 'Recovery Memoir' and established himself as a major literary talent.”(quote from here) or “A Million Little Pieces is an uncommonly genuine account of a life destroyed and a life reconstructed.”(from the books publisher..)

Basically its a waspy frat boy/man's shocking behavior via drugs and alcohol - and the subsequent conquering of said addictions(?) )- I m a former drug addict, so when it came out-there were many thoughtful friends that asked me what i thought of the book or actually gave it to me... and instead of being pleased and interested- i got bitchy(on the inside) actually, i secretly hated on him and his masterpiece. -not because i am awful and cannot stand other peoples success...- i am all about everyone elses success. its my thing, really. but this guy really bugged me . partially because

there was quotes like this: The big noise began with a now-famous New York Observer interview, two full months before the book's release, in which the 33-year-old Frey wasted no time sawing off the legs of his rivals. “I don't give a fuck what Jonathan Safran whatever-his-name does or what David Foster Wallace does. I don't give a fuck what any of those people do. I don't hang out with them, I'm not friends with them, I'm not part of the literati.” Don't even get him started on Dave Eggers. “A book that I thought was mediocre was being hailed as the best book written by the best writer of my generation. Fuck that. And fuck him and fuck anybody who says that. I don't give a fuck what they think about me. I'm going to try to write the best book of my generation and I'm going to try to be the best writer.”

but mostly because his published embellishment ~( not even that well written,in my op.- just cool and aloof enough to be dubbed 'genius'-)~ was my idea . Well, not exactly, but kinda. You see, just prior to his publication of fabrications, id come to notice the seemingly marketable value in the my own memories...It dawned on me while i observed the real horror i could invoke from telling bits of my own sordid pat. this lovely upper-middle class polite canadain blonde girl, who recants (true) tales of crack runs in havana- or waking up in motels on washington Blvd. , with three LARGE fellas hovering(?) in the corner and...or leaving your amazing handsome soccerstar boyfriend -on the side of a road - mid our romantic mexico vacation- to head out into the night (and stay there for months) with an unseemly pockmarked man who waved a gun around aimlessly ,randomly threatening to blow brains sidewalk;-- so after noting the consistent disbelief /silence/horror these facts always brought to holiday gatherings (or first dates), i'd begun to solidify my ultimate easy sell: i was going to jot all my little 'shock n 'awe' thanksgiving dinner anecdotes on paper and git paid-(via the book-deal).... which would then insure me lots of money and easylivin and a endless stream of knoxvillian crushes to draw from for boyfriend terms. fuckin awesome. this was to be cake. - but guess what? james “liarliarpantsonfire” Frey fucked it all up. i knew at soon as i read the book. there wasn't any way i could do it after him. not with him being the penultimate white-bread addiction conqueror(~even..sans AA..) He was tragic, yet heroic in his roguish (supposedly)handsome way.(dont see it) AND the werst part was that he maintained an aloof egotistical manner. always a crowd pleaser.fucker (i am and can be many things- aloof is not one.more like an eager puppy..i find it very difficult to achieve that ultra state of cool ..the aloofness, ). but just so you know: if i'd have got to go first ...the whole tar n feathering he's recieving for the silly lies prolly wouldn't have happened- or would have at least , been far reduced lesss ignifigant or bloged about ... because no-one would have read/listened to “amillionlittlepieces”....Nope. Because you'd still be reeling in horror over my memoirs.guaranteed. To quote from the book~ (the one that usurped my dream)...Mr.Freys puts it

“.....real life is usually the worst. the truth is what matters. It is what I should be remembered by..remember the truth”.

Technorati Tags: addiction, bio, direction, fantasies, flake, Frey, fuckinEh, gimmicks, hollywood, James Frey, lame, liars, life, life_path, me, Oprah Book Club, purpose, taintme, tannerc

-------- TITLE: what will it take AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/19/2006 08:44:00 AM ----- BODY: to become a fucking awesome person that is super rich in every aspect of the term rich? well, first lets look at the assininity of timepassers that hold us locked outside of the great world of plenty...how manytimes a day do you find yourslef pondering ~ "what do you call male lady bugs?" or " why do people always give me the dumbest questions for my blog?"~far far too manytimes, im sure. So, stop it. right now. Sure, there may be answers to these questions..and you may even be the one to find them; but i can promise you , they aren't getting you anywhere near where you want to be. So , again, i reiterate:stop it. From now on, everytime these aimless queries comeup, grab hold of your genius brain, and pull a switch aroo on them: turn them into signposts that you are nowhere you want to be and its time to do something more productive and relevant towards gettin rich or famous . Ask not "what of the male ladybug" but "what of me and my unrealized awesomeness?" NOW:hurry and go forth and Propel yourself into the glory and kingdom that all the rich dudes live in. -------- TITLE: im crafty AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/18/2006 11:45:00 PM ----- BODY: yes indeed.
lets kick some bass behind closed doooors.
i remember being in grade nine, during springbreak..i was in whistler, at my parents-with a few girls staying w/ us for the vacation..
there was also a group of boys, staying down the street with the dewolfes...This song..actually whole album, reminds me of being freezing cold, drinking shitmix and beer, and everyone wanting to hookup- lots of mini fights- and lots of makeingout....
and the bb's playing constantly. -------- TITLE: 2006 AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/09/2006 07:06:00 AM ----- BODY: its going to be different this year. Really. I'm almost finished writing out my manifesto or whatever gayness you'd call it. sort of the overview of what lastyear was( and wasnt) and what this year will be . d s making fun of the fast that both he w and i had such old person resolve to wipe away the past year and equated the cleanslate vibe as a sign of old age. perhaps it is. but last year was a non year for me. it was the most non year i ever had. i accomplished nothing. i had no great tragedy nor feats. It was the worst year of my life in many ways. edit

{}

Technorati Tags: direction, hollywood, life, life_path, me, purpose, tannerc

-------- TITLE: this really speaks to the myspace hater in me AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/05/2006 02:25:00 AM ----- BODY: -------- TITLE: hollywood blvd AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/04/2006 01:58:00 AM ----- BODY:

hollywood blvd
Originally uploaded by acanadian.

-------- TITLE: Narcissisim AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/03/2006 10:09:00 PM ----- BODY:

yesterday, unbeknownst to me..was aholiday?so due to that fact...and cause i was getting over being sick-i kinda had a free day. it felt like a professional day from school...All kickass open obligation free-timmmmeee..yes.
I decided id try out some stuff i had left sitting in wait for a long while...so being the new year and this being Allison vs.2.0(due to my attempt to heed advice from here...i methodically made a little list of things i wanted to try/do ........

Things did not go quite as planned.

I started with photobooth, because m and i have been trying to play around with our new cameras and printers..talking about getting pictures of eachother .and i hadnt fufilled my end as of yet... So i thought id 'quickly' check it out ~ i hooked my canon dvcamera up to my g5 , and began .....but, somehow, i never got any further...

Basically..i managed to delve deep.... ~into my own narcissism.

I mean...are you kidding with this shit??...i spent HOURS getting just the right shot. Examining every crease and freckle..

creating makeshift tripods ( all being of the completely unstable variety, due to frantic style fanatiscm over getting the right shot....'we're losing our light hurry' ....who the hell thinks in phrases like that?? )
.. studying..practicing and posing for a variety of ~'oh! u caught me by surprise(???)' ~shots...damn.

seriously disturbing behaviour.

Technorati Tags:

tannerc, blahg, hollywood, fuckinEh, genius

-------- TITLE: Crush application AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/31/2005 09:12:00 AM ----- BODY: im fairly bored these days...and as i am truely boycrazy and there doesnt seems to be any boys to be crazy about around me...i adapted the 'boyfriend application" from here and created this ...please fill outand send to me. asap. be anonymous if you want. i dont care . -------- TITLE: angry much? AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/30/2005 05:47:00 PM ----- BODY: i apologize for the rant in previous post- it came from realizations that were alltogether overdue, on my part. and plus it felt good to be pissy fer a sec. so its december 30th and im planless for nye.which is fine..as i slept the last 2 nyeves. and i cant stand the build up for nights such as this. its alwys a let down. but im bored and actually kinda wish i was doing something uberfun. maybe i will still.

Technorati Tags: assholes, famdamly, friends, hollyweird, life, tannerc, xmas

-------- TITLE: grow some backbone AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/29/2005 10:47:00 AM ----- BODY: how come i got fuckin burned when the shit hit fan? your fucking friends(?) dont know me nor, it seems do you. dont g-damn reason with me anymore. i m over it. i m sick of being OK with it all and swallowing the shit. fuck u . stand up for me. i m a fucking good friend - quite having such a limited memory when it comes to goodness/ intentions/ ...at very least i dont deserve to hear , over xmas what you fuckin said about me . FUCK-U . its one life we have assholes. one. fuck ur career. we are the same. dont be so g-damn cruel-i am devastated. you 're behaving just the way u say u hate. what makes you so different? if u have a problem -give me a reason to my face you fucking piece of shit. be a good person - - i know i am and neither one of us deserve to be taken for granted.. at least pratice what you profess or stop preaching. im not your scape goat, and you know the fuck who you are. -------- TITLE: sexxy tyme AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/25/2005 09:45:00 AM ----- BODY: en-yoy . and yes, virginia, weezer is awesome. its ok to like them. (r & m: shutit- i dont want any lip from you...the eels are good-plus its xmas-open your musical minds already..SHeeesh!)

Technorati Tags: friends, hollyweird, hollywood, life, me, tannerc, xmas

-------- TITLE: merry AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/25/2005 07:54:00 AM ----- BODY: merry christmas even if you dont do the xmas thing.... try to do this:

Technorati Tags: direction, fantasies, fuckinEh, graphics, heartgood, life

-------- TITLE: giftmas (stolen term from the emoThug tm) Eve AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/24/2005 05:15:00 PM ----- BODY: its the night before christmas... and all are away. im happy today- part in parcel for no serious obligations- part because yesterday was tough on my emotions..but i persevered(sp?) and beleive i came out with flying colours. also cause tomorrow will be fun- having dinner at cs's down at the beach- and old from-home friend will be there( and cooking) i havent seen said friend in a looonnng time. will be interesting. also i like my new venting ground/sounding board : the emo thug ( his term) aka seanny cash. very funny fellow. -------- TITLE: why isnt he famous? AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/23/2005 09:38:00 AM ----- BODY:

Dear hollywoord types:
why dont you take a break from myspace(isgay,btw) and expose your coldplay listening selves to rad music suggestions via my new favorite online person.
go now: he's funny AND canadian.( but not 'canadian' in the hollywood way)

Technorati Tags: bio, canada, design, favorite, fuckinEh, genius, heartgood, hollywood, life_path, purpose, tannerc

-------- TITLE: if you download shit online: dont do it while in france AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/23/2005 05:05:00 AM ----- BODY: UNBELEIVABLE -------- TITLE: sexxy tyme AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/22/2005 12:12:00 AM ----- BODY: en-yoy . and yes, virginia, weezer is awesome. its ok to like them. (r & m: shutit- i dont want any lip from you...the eels are good-plus its xmas-open your musical minds already..SHeeesh!)

Technorati Tags: friends, hollyweird, hollywood, life, me, tannerc, xmas

-------- TITLE: sunday AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/18/2005 03:23:00 PM ----- BODY: such a nice day . not working ..didnt pick up my computer till now( 3 ish) house clean- made stew that is fuckin awesome. paid bills. feel awesome. -------- TITLE: feels like..xmas in hollyweird AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/13/2005 03:46:00 PM ----- BODY: fending off x-mas style , but its creeping up. The whole christmas feelings im trying so hard to ward off. i need to not get in any sort of mode at this time of year. I used to be the biggest christmas freak, .. but now there seems no reason..my life is thin, -in the people that i feel love and deep friendship for. family = far and few. friends= a few great amazing ones( thank gawd) but communication with most of them is very sporatic, as they have busy lives...and i...well, i kinda dont.. which is good. very good. just work..which i let keep me busy. but when its done..i havent a social life. at all. its something i need to restructure. but more importantly i must look at the task at hand- how do i plan my emotional life out for the next few weeks. it feels very empty and scary to me. ill get through but the thing 9is ..this year id really really like to do more than get through...if only cause i surely dont want to fall prey to ,this

Technorati Tags: xmas, hollyweird, life, tannerc, friends, me, famdamly, puppy, synchronicity

-------- TITLE: Alligator Pie AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/09/2005 11:09:00 AM ----- BODY: i just found this poem (by Dennis lee)that i recall loving ALOT, when i was little- i loved it soo much that its actually kinda weird.

Alligator pie, alligator pie, If I don't get some I think I'm gonna die. Give away the green grass, give away the sky, But don't give away my alligator pie. Alligator stew, alligator stew, If I don't get some I don't know what I'll do. Give away my furry hat, give away my shoe, But don't give away my alligator stew. Alligator soup, alligator soup, If I don't get some I think I'm gonna droop. Give away my hockey stick, give away my hoop, But don't give away my alligator soup.

i mean i think its a cool little hippie poem. but when i recall how deeply i loved it..its odd. i trully remember spending hours analyzing each line of it. guess i was stranger than i care to process, at 7. -------- TITLE: macromedia dead AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/05/2005 10:32:00 PM ----- BODY: adobe took over officially it seems. does this mean anything bad or good. via:flashinsider -------- TITLE: couple things AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/05/2005 09:57:00 PM ----- BODY: first off, earlier this eve-i saw one of my OG crushes ..from like when i was 8 or 9..damn. hes still so cute.if a bit shady. second: im having a terrible time with site synching and publishing. gdamnitt. {} -------- TITLE: Finally i have found the correct diagnosis: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/05/2005 12:34:00 PM ----- BODY: i have finally found the correct diagnosis for my ism: via 43folders and via randsinresponse -------- TITLE: SO much to say now that i havent any time... AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/01/2005 06:23:00 PM ----- BODY: ill start with apology for the tweaks on this page, as i try to manipulate and move shit around.
This is assuming anyone reads this anymore.
prolly not, eh?
good then i ll tell you ( or me?) how i REALLY feel.
im pissed. i m angry at myself and confused aboot it.
i dont know where to start because i dont the root yet.
also, i have a link to my werk site up now. its lame and i need to sit down and put the real portfolio up this weekend.
i want to be happy more often.
how does one do that?
ive never had a real strong streak for being happy with myself for any long period ever.
not even when i was little.
but im going to soon .

Technorati Tags: bio, design, direction, heartbad, lame, life, life_path, portfolio, purpose, tannerc, workish

-------- TITLE: Wax on Wax OFF AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/25/2005 05:13:00 PM ----- BODY: bye 4 now mr miagi i dont mean this post to be flippant, either. i think he ruled, as far as movie idols in my limited movie history goes.

Technorati Tags: hollywood

-------- TITLE: Safer/smarter than relationship... AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/22/2005 02:29:00 AM ----- BODY: Boyfriend Arm Pillow a sales success hmm, i dunno, but at the rate im going, and the way i view 'relationshits“ this is a smart way to feed the pms-y mis-guided want of cuddle , perhaps.

{}

Technorati Tags: genius, gimmicks, lame, lovelife, me, weird

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/16/2005 02:18:00 AM ----- BODY: What would you do with your life if... • You won $1 million? • You had to return to college to get a four-year degree? • You won $1,000 a week for life? • You lost your present job? • You had a disability that prevented you from walking? • You had six months to live if someone gave me my million( see: example of possitive affimation..i know i have it..just not in hand at present!) i would: pay back my mom what i owe her. hire someone to manage my money and bills. -because i am not good at this. i can open the bills..note the date due...get the check write it...but NEVER mail it. i mean its ridiculous: i usually always have the money in my accounts... i just have a weird mental block. maybe i dont like parting with money . yep. i think thats it. ask a few friend s to go away with me for a week. ( so be nice to me friends) depends on time of year and my mentality at the time as to where though. )if i had to return( ?) to college for a four year program: i would get a tutor, knowing that i am years out of school and my dyslexia is a well documented thing...welll lets just hope i dont have to- im not good in a full on forced learning scenario. but to answer the original question: art. fine art and design. archetecture i think for sure. maybe landscape architecture. if i won 100o dollars a week for life: be annoyed that i didnt have the lump sum, then hourd it for a few months and do the above mentioned tactics from q.#1 if i lost my present job: not applicable. if i had a disablity that prevented me from walking? i would hopefully become a prolific writer..and be at peace wiith myself regardless. if i had six months to live: go see my brother and mom write a book about what i knew thus far in life. try and get lots of dinners in with friends. basically just spend alot of the time enjoying my friends and family and writing.

Technorati Tags: bio, direction, fantasies, life, life_path, me, purpose, tannerc

-------- TITLE: Merlin, of 43folders, is dead on, with this: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/10/2005 09:09:00 PM ----- BODY: : please listen: voice mail protocal fucking AMAZING... odeo rules, btw. -------- TITLE: they keep pulling me back in..... AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/10/2005 08:56:00 PM ----- BODY: when you thin your life out , via separating yourself from certain friends and associates...and consciously choose to withdraw from situations that seem to have caused you grief...its a good thing. Mostly. i am used to 120 friends and phone calls a day ....and in the great cleanout of 2005 it has dropped remarkably..( 100 percent for the better..as most of those calls were annoying timesuckers and led to drama and chaos that usually wasnt mine...but somehow always drew me in) ... now i am contacted , perhaps 5 times a day and 3 of those are usually work. which is great and a total feat for my codependant self.... Except when..you are bored and/or lonely. (not lonely like crying miserable codependant lonely...more subtle ) .and this will happen when you clean out the clutter... . because see, the new life has these moments of deadair , which are fine and probably very healthy.. it just seems that at the quietest and hollowest of these longer moments .. i am most vulnerable to falling in and back...ie:making a call' just to see whats up' with old so-and-so.....never a good idea, im finding out..cause its always the same.... sure the old aquaints can fill my deadair up ; even make me feel great for a few minutes....but soon enough they are trying to pull me back in.... via telling me their stories of chaos and betrayl- that are usually the exact same as last year...but always very very important and real to them and all of a sudden seemingly real to me....

{}

Technorati Tags: life, life_path, me, purpose, synchronicity, tannerc

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/10/2005 12:19:00 PM ----- BODY: peopel who refer to me as 'babe' and i ve never met them before today and i work for them..suck. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/10/2005 07:29:00 AM ----- BODY: super tired but cant sleep ,im wide awake its 7am and i dont have t be anywhere for like...hours. ugh -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/07/2005 07:08:00 PM ----- BODY: in the midst of being pissed off. have to miss yoga because of frickin work. fuclkkkkkkkkk think i need a little yoga, fer christs sake. i am angry. ok. got to get over it. i am grateful for: my computers flash 8 transmit this outlet music and headfones money from work yoga (when i get to go) ok i still feel pissed but a bit better -------- TITLE: i miss something AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/28/2005 05:15:00 AM ----- BODY: ok im done ignoring writing in here. ive done lots of write worthy things since last posting here-aside from clipping posts- i ve spent the last month fighting off this creeping feeling of lonilness. my day to day stuff has been busy enough to allow me to be successful in warding off dealing as long as i have..but the truth is , i realize in moments , that i dont like what im filling the spaces with. they are just fillers. the life stuff i avoided succesfully is eating away at me. im worried about my mom. and i dont have any place where i feel i can talk about that. i dont need to talk about it- i just need to set my priorities. i just keep werking it away. i dont even go out ,like i used to, so to to speak, and that leaves lots of empty spots to fill with memememmememe. not good. me time is only good when u r totally out of yourself. and you need to find time for it. when it 's always there it can wreck havok on your thinking, as it seems to have done for me, of late. i notice im completely unable to just settle into myself- i have to be functional and functioning and doing something that i deem productive. its super lame for my sense of self or some shit. when i talk to certain friends it becomes even more omnipotent: ie on im tonight- he said he was becoming the new parent he always loathed..but it was very sweet. and last week at lunch with jm-- these friends of mine are living full lives that statisfy- following their paths and its galringly obivious i am not. i am hiding in my life. i post this as a way to be accountable . i have lots of things i love to do and still do but a fuck of a lot more that i dont do anymore or havent done yet. this is my call to arms to myself. i've spent way to much time worrying about whats going on on the sidelines, so to speak. to much energy worrying about assholes that dont have a thought of me remotely close to their thinking. i worried for you and for her and him. and i worried well. but the thing that i missed is the worry never gave way to anything save for a few insights into human fear and how it causes more fear and worry and lack of action . i need to get on with. im losing another parent. and that scares the shite out of me if i think about it. one is one but both seems like a joke. -------- TITLE: i am solame AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/27/2005 09:31:00 PM ----- BODY: sooolame i cant even fathom my own lameness. i fera writing it out asd down will make it more real. oh mah gawd. lame-o. i trully have fucke dup priorities sometimes. hopefully i splain later when the shame as subsided. -------- TITLE: Back in the day..... AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/13/2005 07:15:00 AM ----- BODY: genius

... use of an iPod; by the way...I am sooo ahead of you local newspaper: same sorta headline sentiment, anyway. awesome invention/adaption/link from dapreview.net

Technorati Tags: a-Ha, art, design, direction, genius, life, purpose, smoke

-------- TITLE: orson is awesome (repeat ten x fast) AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/06/2005 02:50:00 AM ----- BODY: so i thought i was going to a quick orson show at avalon this eve...as in : they are on at 10 over at 10 45. home by 11. haha. couldnt be so simple. I decide to go out after making morning plans to go to a yoga class in venice with mw-at like 9 am...my thinking was alongthe lines of “ perfect..i'll quickly see orson,...get home by 1130, bathtub,,,bed. early yoga...at the beach. ”nice thought....unfortunately,no. it turns out the orson show is some benefit with like 45 bands( 'bands' is a strong term for a few of the performances) and orson is playing last. of course. funny thing is all the kids left before the main awesome-ness went on. damn did those freaks miss out. and i dont use the term freaks lightly; it was unreal hollyweird people watching this eve.. (thankgawd...at least for the distraction from the rockin nightmares on stage whilst i awaited orson) in the hollyweird parade this eve: ..you had your weeknight bridge and tunnel 'clubbers' -late 20's through to 40's..all in their best inland empire interperations of p'glamorous' hollywood style...takin from the pages of people magaqzine. think britney meets ivana trump at the JC penneys? sequins were spotted on three separate ladies..one in particular stands out ... a golden bolero jacket that didn't quite fit...over a nice'N'tight long sheathe of floral viscose. all this lovliness a touch drunk and yeilding an enormous faux letherette designer target 'purse' that whipped me in the hip about thirty times. elegant and glamorous, indeed. another fond memory? no prob.. : blonde frost n tipped muscle heavy height challenged dude in a crisp white cotton sport coat, worn 'baggy'(?) over a crisper blue and white button-down shirt...and buttoned down, it was.....just enough so as to reveal to us all his perfext golden orange tan , that set off his impossibly whitened teeth ..which in fact matched his white leather dress shoes. all true. i wish i had a picture for you. it was awesome. mix it all up in the dank slimy-ness that is the Avalon...and being it wasn't quite full this eve... you're prone to notice every roach and creep ...with above fore-mentioned “bands” , it was quite the spectacal. But my favorite person there? the most incredible female 'host' mc EVER. between each precious moment btwn the bands..she'd hold her lips just so...against the mike and entertain us all with her 'crazy' talking and cajolling of the crowd.. constantly referring to her singleness and lack of sex and lack of skills(?) it was weird. almost too weird to be annoying..but not quite.....she was definitely the most annoying human i ve encountered in a good long time. but the last orson filled hour, nothing was annoying... i dont remember liking a 'local' band this much , since shestolemybeer days.. think joe jackson meets wilco meets elvis costello on sesame street with lyle lovitt. ... Jason is an awesome frontman plus his lyrics and voice kick ass.go orson. you rawk.

Technorati Tags: genius, hollywood, life, orson, yoga, puppy, tannerc

-------- TITLE: Overheard in New York: The Voice of The City AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/05/2005 04:15:00 AM ----- BODY: Overheard in New York: The Voice of The City: someone start an LA one, at once. -------- TITLE: 6 degrees of newmodelarmy AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/26/2005 06:38:00 PM ----- BODY: the title means nothing. it just sorta combines the spackling of thoughts and stuff that flew through my life today. So you should probably stop reading right now , unless you're sooo bored that u think u can handle the crazy train im on this am - this post is going nowhere...but im doing an excercise of writing for twenty minutes a day..regardless of what i write. . so goodbye or buckle up and en-yoy.remeber :you've been warned: Synchroncity study in hollywood: is it real? Lately i ve noticed an odd rise in deje-vu -ish sensations (or experiences or whatever having deje vu “is”,) the steepest climb on my chart has been the typical precog/dejeVu that results in “..OH!my gawd i cant believe u just texted/called me..I was just thinking about you..thats soo weird” And it is weird,* when youre the one having the moment.. * Regardless, ive noticed that i ve seen/heard alot of these lately...like..everyday last week...but, that could just be that everyone stays in touch more hypermanically cause of ichat text etc...but still..im noticing. i have no idea what this means but ....i am starting a study to see if im correct in thinking they happen alot more frequently these days.. its weird shit and someones gotta document it.right? I ve always been fascinated by synchronicity and coincidence and flow. time and space...dimensions. known (or unknown, really) i love hearing about experiences ,yet i find the bigger scarab on window ones are harder to define , for me, so i ve chosen a simple model of experience from which to draw my data: Here's an attempt to layout the neccassary factors that must occur in order for it to be included in my study...( please replace actual places with wherver ..doesnt need to be a coffebean etc) : first factor : noticing someone famous you had previously never thought 1 single second about-never had reason to notice- and still don't, but for a split second , as you are flipping through channels, you notice him, that actor dude, oldwhatshisname and you randomly think to yourself “Hmmm, that dude has a lisp? i wonder if thats the character or real”....then just as quick, forget and go back to court tv and carry on ..... UNTIL thenext morning, (this factor 2):when you're in line at your coffebean, where you know everyone ...cause you've been going there forever...and as you wait for a 3shotvanilla latte in a regualr cup with extra vanilla powder, you over hear the guy infront of you on his cell phone..and ..woah..its weird but u recognize the voice..woooahh...oh-mah-gawd..its the lisp..you look up and its him ..the old dude form the tv, ...oldwhatshisname, whom u'd never taken note of before, till the movie last night yet here he is, lisp and all...woah. and thats it..the experience has been had at this point.nothing comes of it..no sophia coppolla movies are made..just that. wierd. slips of time noted by seeming improbable random events meeting in time and space. is it synchronicity.?..but if so ..for what?jung made it out these were life path markers...signposts.. ....but....well, you get it right? now i know there will be some of you who may say ive disproved my own theory by way of it will not be a seemingly random encounter between two improbable subjects.. 'cause i live where celebritys are a dime a dozen , and in their pretending to live real lives it therefore becomes normal to see tom and katy at ralphs .......But these are finite perticularily peculiur moments... ( i know that when i see nate from 6feet under on larchmont at the coffebean,right after the second to last episode that effected me more than a tv should ever....i know its because i went there everyday for 6 years and the show shoots at the gower studio up the street.. so i am aware this is just a routine neighbourly sighting, like the kid u walked past everyday for 11 years on your way to different schools.....no big whoop, even if that kid happened to be on the show that everyone watched every sunday for 6 years.. there still isnt the synchros there.i know that.) but how bout this: one..say you live on the same street as a bigtime oldmoviestar; you've been living there for 5 years..known she owned the house with smelly plants on the corner the whole time...cause everyone who comes to your house that grew up around here tells you... “ Oh..hey soandSo lives right on this block, u know”..and you're all “ supposedly ..but ive never seen her”- not even once...( especially because we're an outside , curb dwelling 'hood)....then one day 5 years into living next to fantom-neighbour- you fly into mexico city(you've never been there-its alayover) ...upon arriveing in mexico city ( and you'll be there only a day) far and away from hellay ...and in the 4 th hour of being there, you get into an elevator in a building u've never been in...and the door is held open for me.... by none other than ole'soandSo...the famous fantom(to you, no longer)neighbour ...but you are a foreign city..country? that is some fuckin weird shite. and although its true that the odds are higher due to where i live is: you can grade the experience on many levels : factoring in all the variables. So lets set up the system and bring on the incidents to test our theory for this hypothesis. ill use scarabs as our rating sytem a scale of 0-11 11-HIgh probability : as in Pretty low coincidence rate- **0-highly inprobable-coinicidence is the key. 11= NF (non famous subject)and F(famous subject) , of all ilks are very likely to cross paths, and probably do , often. (ie: nf watch's tv all day/night, you live in hollywood, you hangout at spots like brentboldhouseclubs, you eat at musso and franks or the palms. ..you are in a 12 step program-all of these add to low coincidence rate ) 0=(zero)scarabs is low end; meaning the lower the scarbs..the lower the probability of a runin... its highly unlikely for our two subject to meet *as the non dejevu experiencer,you're either like“oh ..wow u must be pyschic!' or u half laugh and think to yourself '...yeah right nice excuse for not calling me back u asswipe” * **0 is reserved for those thought to be dead.... cause that would make it really weird.

Technorati Tags: coincidence, direction, genius, hollywood, life, scientific_me, synchronicity, weird

-------- TITLE: the end of the world? AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/22/2005 08:22:00 PM ----- BODY:

these are from jf's treo , taken up on mullholland at about 730 tonight.what is really going on ? go here to check it: http://www.flickr.com/photos/taintme/

Technorati Tags: fuckinEh, hollywood, neighbours, weird

-------- TITLE: whats the best ever? AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/21/2005 01:54:00 AM ----- BODY:

“music is.best ever. it trumps every other bestever everytime. bestever food,boys friends and anything else. EVER.

its so awesome that i wish i could crawl into some songs and live there. ”where's allison living these days?.“oh she's moved to that peter gabriel song , somewhere in us or your eyes”. that would be awesome. like the aHa video. how rad. m theory? 11th dimension..well i think this is the twelth. certain songs come with not just feelings ands landsacapes in my minds eye; but whole universes with dogs and houses and familys and streetlights and alot of other stuff. fuck westside rentals, im looking on itunes for a new pad.

Technorati Tags: direction, fantasies, flake, genius, life, music, puppy, purpose, tannerc, weird

-------- TITLE: daily downside AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/13/2005 10:06:00 PM ----- BODY: breakfast w/d at ihop was a surprisingly nice start to a productive day ... But,to be fair to my recent pessimistic nature, i must give precedence to bad news (sorry): After my hearty all-american ihop breakfast of a bacon cheese burger, i (as a canadian and former vegitarian ) was forced to became aware of how bitter sweetly american ive become, eh? case inpoint: my new fuckin food groups: meat cheese and fried bread. gross..yes. addicticting..and overwhelming? duh?!. it seems that in the last two weeks i have finally tried and ( as i feared), come to lust the 2 much advertised, very processed and yet oh soo fucking gdamned savory, american delicacy's...( oxymoron?): The bacon cheese burger and The (Mighty) corn dog*. god help me. in all 8 years here in this fine processed land, i dont think i've ever had either ...prior to lately. now im super fucked. and/or super fat ( soon) damn. my male friends are sabatoging me. on a -lighter(pun intended) note...i got a ton of shit done today and it feels so good. i wont bore the page with details, but sufficed to say : i kicked ass and my actions all added up to a satisfed sufficient human level of self worth , for me. i m coming to realize the things i like to do..and am pretty adept at doing-although not exactly spectacular or glamourous - are seemingly necassary tasks that others loathe; which is a good thing (for me) if only i could package these tasks . yeah right . packaging isnt part of my forte. oh well. as long as i string together the satisfying tasks and b.o.s*, it will all work owt. But for right now ...im ok ur ok and we're all (fill in blank_to win ipod)

Technorati Tags: canada, direction, fuckinEh, lame, life_path, me, foodgroup, purpose

-------- TITLE: head is slowing being removed AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/07/2005 10:16:00 AM ----- BODY: ....from my ass. i had fun lasnight. went to d's and hungot w/ c. website stuff. feels good to be of service. started to feellike there is some order in my chaos. must continue with the organizing of thoughts and shit. and if i havent mentioned this of late, i love the foofighters

Technorati Tags: direction, flake, lame, life, me

-------- TITLE: john maeda is the coolest AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/01/2005 01:38:00 AM ----- BODY: john maeda , via his site and summations, has become my_mentor.(byproxy) and this is noteworthy beeecause....??welll..ive been a bit stuck in self pity nightmare , of late...embarrassingly due to my last client,James( who rules, btw) simply asking me for a link to a resume , so he cpould post it on his site.. Now, due to my me-ness, i ve not only NOT given him the simple textbyte he asked for, but ,as u can read, ive dvelged up all sorts of fuckin annoying early-twenties angsty ghosts... "oh no..what is the underlying passion that drives me".."i dont know who i am anymore"... "what my purpose...my goals", etc....so gaddamn boring. and trully upsettingly annoying. but fear for me not: from that freshly picked scab ive narrowed down my newly discovered soulsearch to this: i am trying to formulate a clear picture of myself for myself, in the form of a neat tidy paragraph that states my skills , my life purpose, my goals..and then , in the (highly unlikely) case i were to have ANY descions to make or questions to answer, like..ever again in my soon to be awesome future...i 'd be prepared. So, in commitment to this goal, at least..i ve packed up work for a bit , and been quite literally, on a soul search online. It has me spend hours searching others' portfolios and bios, to see if they outline anything that remotely resonates with what might be me or the me id like to be .....tiny snippets , perhaps , explaining what the fuck is it that i do for work, or

but , for all of our relief..... today i had a breakthrough 'ah-hah ' moment.... ...I was at a pathetic random overwhelmed by itall/nothing teary moment thinking, 'im sofuckin'fuckedcause i have no sense of self and ill never be focused enough to have a real purpose,let alone commit to a nice sweet boy** " but today it dawned on me when i re-read this at a pivotal instance in my head-trip.. the gift

**please 'scuse the last boy bit...seems i always come back to the lack of love/lust in moments of self pity*

Technorati Tags: direction, fantasies, fuckinEh, lame, life, life_path, lovelife, me, purpose, tannerc, weird, workish

-------- TITLE: stuck in the wrong fantasy? AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/30/2005 02:44:00 PM ----- BODY:

my own personal pergatory....
help

Iam stuck somewhere between my old version'fantasies' and new _yet unrealized ones...hence: my own personal pergatory.... By fantasies i mean what i wish for in my life :" i really want to be a fireman when i growup"...it referes to what i really 'want' for myself and /or can work towards .. and somewhere in the last few years a shit lot of who i thought i was and wished for has drastically shifted, seemingly without my verification....like if i find myself saying "oh i love chocolate, i want to own a chocolate factory oneday" , or," i cant stand the cure ,they are queer." i'm repeatedly noticing as the words tumble out, that i am , essentially, lying. Its force of habit in that its just a mode of reinforcing who i am ,however tenage of a ahbit it seems ..its asserting indepence via opinion and taste.."oh youknow allison creelman, she hates going to the movies, and wants to own a chocolate factory that never plays the cure".. definitive statements have formed my vision for myself...and i did USED to love/loathe whatever it is im defining( or ranting about..) till recently... Now alot of it doesnt even remotely resonate with me .case in point: : i ALWAYs wanted tons of kids..never thought twice about it..and i used to feel terrible for older people who didnt have any...But i trully , at this point in my career as me, do not want to have a baby. not one or 3. i just dont see it , it feels weird and foreign.When this shift happened and why, i havent a clue, but its very much true . this may change but , for the time being im allgood with being auntie al. i have dhlk, who is mostly a grownup now...but now there's jack and few other babies around that kwell any curiousity for me, for now. Also, im not afraid of commiting to things or people anymore..i like to in a general sense, have structure..somewher eto be, if u will. it feells good to be / do what i say. i may be late for appointments and dates forever..but i like to structure some of my time ..it feels safer.(and this is big for me..bigger than the kid one) another biggy: i like working, but i don't like my werk. i dont feel like its the thing i should be doing . at all. i like the tech side soooo much more than the design side. but it still all seems to leave me falling short..i dont have the inguienuity to thrive as designer...in that i am not specific enough in any one area of work.i am a problem solver for minor code tweeks...and as much as i do love this...creating routes around for broken things and applications...i m basically ..no EXACTLY (f.p.t.n)* a web handyman . jackof all apps ..my resume in a tagline: serious flash as 2 and oop ,little cocoa, underneath a little php, with just enough java script. all nestled into a new obsession with web standards and css possibilities... plus bonus (read:boring)abilities encoding video & setting up streaming servers to play it on...you need these little fixes , and everyone does...i m your person.but none of this is specific or definable, for me...see i cant seem to write a resume to save my life -or get me a job, for that matter. guess where this sort of skill base sounds kinda techy cool to ,say, my mom, but it leaves me in the postion of taking jobs to tweak broken websites, fix internet connections, setup email servers here.."fix " the network here...re-encode some video a,ftp a bunch of stuff ...or my personal fav: just 'whipping' up a "quick" free flash site for friends ( nod to lono here, re earlier convo) .so its little piddly jobs or way bigger than i shoould say yes to , free jobs. where does this leave me? a little baffled as to why/ where/ how i ended up here...quite proud of the stuff i have self learn-ed but un satisfied. i need input really.. i would love to hear suggestions. what am i missing , or overlooking, that will lead me down that golden path we are al supposed to find and follow? help

Technorati Tags: bio, direction, fantasies, flake, genius, hollywood, life, life_path, me, purpose, tannerc, workish

-------- TITLE: feelings AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/29/2005 08:36:00 AM ----- BODY: i seem to be diggin deep into the feeling vault, probably brought on by being home and such. listen to my feelings here, if you like: http://creelman.org/mp3player.html

Technorati Tags: canada, family, lame, life, me

-------- TITLE: being here AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/27/2005 02:31:00 AM ----- BODY:

...to me , when i lived here, cittas was,quite literally, the center of the(my) universe... .

ive been here since last week , and its ok. very quiet , and calm-save for last night..fd and i went out to cittas., of all fucking places 'specially...with him.(?) parveen was working. and if clark or brad had been there, it would of been 9 years ago. except i was there with fd. Who, 10 yrs ago, wouldn't dare set foot in there , especially with me. it was the symbolic spot of my infidelity. or the haunting ground of pd, with whom i commited said infidelity. but now, it seems, 8 years after i removed myself from this place and all the chaos i created...I am barely a side note.its funny, actually. watching him, holding court there....to me , when i lived here, cittas was the quite literally, the center of the universe... where we would go everyday after getting off the hill. everyday..in boots with boards outside , drinking , with parveen as bartender and clark rolling drum and having pints before work at the restaurant. i guess its still the same place, but as im still the center of my universe, and i am not orbiting anywhere near there,'cept for my jaunt last night. it felt kinda meloncholly , if i am to be honest. i even came home and made playlists..thematic playlists. cheese ball that i am.

Technorati Tags: canada, family, fuckinEh, life, lovelife, tannerc, weird

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/23/2005 08:49:00 PM ----- BODY:

...everythingl is funny and sad at the same time right?kinda...

went to the used at universal . seats( when we got there) were being occupied ) by some kids..no big deal, d was asking them to move...and we start into the row...as i moving past one of the girls , i say , as is my canadain way, "sorry..s'cuse me"...and out of nowhere she hits me in the side superhard..."iturn all aghast"why did you hit me?" Then she proceeds to armchop me SUPER hard on my neck...So hard i flew into cheryl and she flew into d etc etc...i say "she just hit me.."about to cry...then they d and c pushpast me...and there's all this commotion..i dont know what is happening.i walk towards d and he says all forceful and shit "JUST GO BACKSTAGE ..NOW!" so i slip up the stairs..ready to ball my eyes out..cause i think i did something..c is ahead of me..she slows down as we walk into the backstage area...and i am fuming.." im really upset ," i start to say..when she cuts me off to tell me she punched the chick in the face!!!!!!!unbeknowst to me..she and danny had started asking her why she hit me..etc and something happened and c with a ring that spans two knuckles...punched the girl ..her glasses shattered..But i saw nothing ..just c walking away and d screaming..

-------- TITLE: USATODAY.com - San Francisco moves forward on Wi-Fi plan AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/17/2005 03:31:00 AM ----- BODY: USATODAY.com - San Francisco moves forward on Wi-Fi plan -------- TITLE: so sad AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/08/2005 12:11:00 PM ----- BODY: so sad. i think watching him tell the world he had cancer was only like, ..i dont know...but not very long ago. . he was canadian and he worked for my grandfather. and i liked his voice. and i smoke. and my dad is dead , from cancer. fuck. -------- TITLE: what AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/06/2005 04:13:00 PM ----- BODY: ever. i feel hot and lonely and annoyed and aware and underwhelmed by people. ifeel like people think im really stoopid and i guess it may be that i've let them think that ; because the behaviours i get thrown are bizarre for grownup people. maybe its just mercury, but i dont think so. i do think its sad. and time for a change in my life, like keep going on aboot. -------- TITLE: party AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/05/2005 09:42:00 PM ----- BODY: i guess im going to a party this eve. downtown, even..IN A LOFT..woohoo. big urban nite for me, being the creature of hollywood based habit and all. it sounds great actually, as ztrip is djing and i love me some ztrip. he is my fav. he mixxes funny shit. morty is getting pretty kickass these days too.but back to the party... nico sent the invites, sobe x games? at a loft, and ,as i mentioned ..downtown LA.. ab is coming with, to insure good times. i hope she's coming, actually..she was supposed to have been here ages ago. but im just being LA event conscious.. As in : if too many people are planning to go to an event..it'll get shut down by the firemarshall..and seeing as everyone i know including neighbours seems to know of the party..well. most wont go downtown, though..so we'll see. im bring camera so i ll post pics ...l8tr

Technorati Tags: hollywood, neighbours, tannerc, party, me, ztrip

-------- TITLE: tom green , farley mowatt , jean chretian and me, in a wading pool... AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/05/2005 04:07:00 AM ----- BODY: Perhaps i have insomnia?, add?, lack of something....but for some reason ..i ended up staying up way too late even though im exhausted...and perusing local blogs. i dont do this often anymore..seemed for awhile it got to be less interesting when every teenager in asia started a blog and id somehow end up on those...but with recent discover of local community rolls..a la 'lablogs' etc etc...i got to looking and reading..some really fuckin awesome sites . blogs with the same base purpose and enjoyment that i have..which i like..not monitary based,..and not 'contrived'... more outlet based. Funnily , the one i ended up reading the longest was Tom Greens, i'd seen it last year some time..xmas i think.. and i remember liking it alot, but as i tend to do..i forgot about it..but there it was tonight on blogebrity, i believe..and as i ve been feeling homesick-ish as of late..it was comforting to read. First cause he's canadian ..and because hes been writing from up there( sakatchewan , and ottawa to be exact,) and one of the first blurbs i read..he referrenced Farely Mowat damn! that got me.wolves and owls...tres canadianne i forgot how much i loved those books. and he got to meet Jean Chretian, and it just had a lovely canadian tone.. down to hanging with his parents (sorta) playing trivial pursuit . he just seems like a nice smart grounded boy. *but then again i seem alot of things via this that i dont think i am in real life...oh what do i know?..im definetly over tired, dude.* anyway..its a great site. all this perusing got me thinking , too..about how weird & common "blogging'' is.... DISCLAIMER: i am about to do 'back when i started blogging" thing..but its not meant to be a condescending or territorial..just observatory and speculative ..allright?k.. so..carry on my wayaward sons: Back when i started doing this ( writingnotes/journal at taintme)it was really trully small and sorta secretive loser-ish community. i didnt know one single other person (in the flesh, that is; i knew online people)-who wrote online or had 'blogs'...But now:its a totally different 'thing' , blogging is. Lots and lots of people i know and am related to even, write online.. i wonder sometimes, what the hell i could have done with mine - had i had foresight or motivation.. oh well. i love it still.the outlet is irreplaceable and as it stands taintme has become my secret soapbox, private journal, crush keeper, gossip outlet and theraputic-confidant. its the most consistant ritual ive had in in my adult life. this ..blog thing taintme. it has directly caused me: to lose friendships, total embarrasment, gotten me a date, ( ONE...and it sucked) broughtme closer to family members, made me a few new friends..and lots of other random attributes i cant remember . so thats kewl. next order of my mind: i feel directionless right now. like im swimming in my life , but its a wading pool. and its really hot out..so i just stay in the water cause its cooler..and sorta easier..albeit getting increasingly more uncomfortable.. I just tread water to avoid getting out and having to deal.' kinda a bad analogy..but im overtired and the visual is working for me. forgive. i wonder how i can change things now. i dont like this holding pattern at all , as of this week. its so weird how i have tiny revelations over nothing ( seemingly) and all of a sudden my life doesnt work for me anymore.

Technorati Tags: hollywood, directionless, canada, farley mowatt, me, tannerc, tom green, jean chretian

-------- TITLE: sooo single AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/04/2005 10:36:00 PM ----- BODY: i am frighteningly single maintainent. meaning: no crushes of any depth( ?).. or reality...is more like it. AND..(thids is whats awful) no foresight into future spots for finding any.potential.. ...i mean its awesome fun to go out dancing. or to go to the roosevelt, see people etc..But , i do not meet potential dates at spots like this..its never been like that for me..i always seem to meet people within familial circles..or work. seeing as i work for 2 married people, thats out. and all my family of friends are tapped.ie: i know all the extended branches of potential single cute boys. its weird that i feel this 'lack' so strongly these last few weeks. I think im lonely. ugghhhh. i can't believe i said that. but i believe its true.i know it is..Cause i turn the tv on for noise, which is something that is a tell tale sign pour moi. fuck. that sucks. i guess this means i must change something in my life.more yoga. yes..but no. not for socializing. move? i dont know. im bored of myself, because my werk seems to consist of my os, me and my head..and then home is kinda the same. and even though i dont want the past relationships(ahem) back.. i do feel the gapping hole of another person around. do i sound pathetic? i dont feel pathetic. just .....i dont know.

Technorati Tags: lame, hollywood, email, Hitch, lovelife, tannerc, me

-------- TITLE: The Screamer AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/04/2005 02:55:00 PM ----- BODY: its hot out. but what makes it hotter is the screaming hassidic woman that lives in front of me. its unreal ..TOTALLY ..unreal.She screams ALL DAY.. in a terriffiying-shrill-higher-as-she-gets-rolling-pitch. Its been going on since she moved in. ( 2.5 years) its awful. devasting , actually. Somedays i can tolarate it. on others, i feel like killing ... ..and days like today, i feel upset and claustrophaubic. it really makes me want to move. she seriously does it at all hours of every day. This is the tip of the iceberg on this woman by the way..She has done other things taht are so unbelievabel..i cant be bothered to write about. She has two kids and a husband..whom all seem frightened of her.

Technorati Tags: hollywood, me, lame, tannerc, neighbours

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/02/2005 05:34:00 AM ----- BODY:

I am overwhelmed with tiredness, and mad knowledge- i learned alot in a short time...( i was sorta temping for someone i really would like to work for fer real..and i astounded myself with my (unbeknounced to me)ability to absorb..I guess it has to do with being interested in what i was doing,huh? so afterwards i got motivated to write..and write i did.. much (and quite well i might ad..)Only to have it all gone... poof. fuck that shits lame and its always when i wrote the piece that i feel like is the jumping off point -------- TITLE: Ghost Email AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/30/2005 06:14:00 PM ----- BODY: All Forces » Blog Archive » Ghost Email: What a fantastic, simple in your face solution for my massive unbelievable jump in spam density , of late. (since tiger , actually .and the “new' improved' mail app..yeah right.) but this ghost mail solution is perfect , for me HOW TO: ..if you have a domian..or 2 ..( or 28) and you find yourself having to register at every site.. when u hit the form :email name the email by the site u sign up: say you are buying a chair at target.ccom, and when you register ur email address( mandatorily) use the email: target @urdomainhere.com and when u sign up for free porn: porn1@urdomain.com,and so forth.... ......And then (it gets BETTER..)go set up a new gmail address(or whichever massive free webbased mail service u prefer) Then have all email for anything@yourdomainhere.com forwarded there... go ahead and try ..and i will let you know how it works out for me. GENIUS how come i never thought of this?

Technorati Tags: workish, email, genius, me, spam

-------- TITLE: Sedna.....?? AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/30/2005 02:32:00 PM ----- BODY: Sedna -------- TITLE: holy cow. AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/28/2005 08:00:00 AM ----- BODY: is this for real? -------- TITLE: BLOGROLLING AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/27/2005 03:51:00 AM ----- BODY: whats fair and what's not fair...well this is something i definetly dont have a market stronghold on, but i definetley have strong feelings about. i have thought of writing about this particular dilemma many times, the holding off aspect was because i kept thinking "they" would make good on their word and i would feel foolish. then i realized one key thing: i feel foolish alot & for far lesser things.. what i speak of is this; i paid for a 'gold' account on blogrolling. no big whoop, at all. the thing is though they are theives. they took my creditcard payment..and stole away the service they sold me. i have no access to my "gold'blogroll account... and after repeated attempts to contact anyone /everyone linked to the support on the site... i have been given useless form letter responses and nothing more. so fuck them. i mean , come on. dont sell yourself as 'still grassroots-y cutesy ' sites when you behave worse than msn or mac. the thing is, i am not rich and i have tried my damdest to be a good thoughtful consumer when it comes to open source...If i love your service /app whatever ..i will fork over the 20-80 dollars..cause that's the way it should be..but i ve been turned on my ear by this experience. i dont think i will use paypal or kagi as often . i think this is indicitive of the money grubbing in the myspace times we live... and as the saying goes: alls fair in love and war..so step aside good-developers-of-open-source-radness..cause people like the liars running blogrolling are ruining it for you..its becoming increasingly less satisfying to pay when serialsurfer is dangling that other less expensive option ..that seems less and less immoral as the blogrolls go... -------- TITLE: note:never document your homicidal thoughts AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/26/2005 03:51:00 PM ----- BODY: Rachelle Waterman - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: -------- TITLE: fuck AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/26/2005 10:31:00 AM ----- BODY: i am so overwhelmed with the lack of work in my world. its paralyzing for me. i dont know what to do with myself except open up old files and obssess on changing fonts and scripts in sites untouched/seen in ages. werkwerk werk werk werk i need now. going to shower and meet dloh at swingers get airconditioner and then .......oh gawd im pathetic. ill ...clean? not needed. fuck -------- TITLE: go see.hear jo this friday AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/20/2005 09:16:00 PM ----- BODY: http://jokrasevich.com/ -------- TITLE: Microsuck AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/19/2005 02:22:00 PM ----- BODY: Microsuck

Technorati Tags: flake, lame, workish

-------- TITLE: actual headlines. AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/19/2005 02:52:00 AM ----- BODY: i am easily amused. Actual newspaper headlines:(from http://www.mycoted.com/) * Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say * Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers * Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted * Drunk gets nine months in violin case * Survivor of siamese twins joins parents * Farmer Bill dies in house * Iraqi head seeks arms * Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? * Stud tires out - Prostitutes appeal to Pope * Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over * Soviet virgin lands short of goal again * British left waffles on Falkland Islands * Eye drops off shelf * Teacher strikes idle kids * Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead * Squad helps dog bite victim * Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66 * Enraged cow injures farmer with axe * Plane too close to ground, crash probe told * Miners refuse to work after death * Juvenile court to try shooting defendant * Stolen painting found by tree * Two soviet ships collide, one dies * 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter * Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years * Never withhold herpes infection from loved one * Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84 * War dims hope for peace -------- TITLE: guess what im watching? AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/19/2005 12:52:00 AM ----- BODY: first person to email me ( via comments) gets a killer presant from my trip. "on the run from johnny law..it aint no trip to cleavland." -------- TITLE: MTV 'n' MSN for your generation. AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/19/2005 12:23:00 AM ----- BODY: MTV 'n' MSN,
sittin in a tree
(ass)k-i-s-s-i-n-g(eachother and allother mean dumb unfair stupid stupids)
first comes love
then comes marraige
then come homogenization af everything
how suckass is this message from laM(e)TV, which i receive using safari 2.0
Detecting OS...
In order to offer a broad selection of full-length music videos on-demand and free of charge, MTV Overdrive uses Windows Digital Rights Management (DRM) to protect videos from unauthorized re-distribution.

Unfortunately, Microsoft's Windows Media Player Plug-in for Macintosh does not support Windows DRM. If DRM support becomes available for Macintosh, MTV will develop a version of MTV Overdrive that works on a Mac.

F_OFF MICROSUCK AND MTV_SUCK

-------- TITLE: hollywood glamour AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/14/2005 01:42:00 PM ----- BODY: this is gross: http://www.thesuperficial.com/image.php?path=/archives/dhoffman_breasts.jpg -------- TITLE: qweerGuy AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/11/2005 09:06:00 AM ----- BODY:

qweerGuy
Originally uploaded by acanadian.

tis makes me laugh. how gay is mw

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/09/2005 05:00:00 PM ----- BODY: -------- TITLE: more me? ...via:astrology. AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/09/2005 04:08:00 PM ----- BODY: i have been tripping on the validity of this thing for a month..but i finally found one ( well three words, to be exact) thing that is not true. its denoted*** Ascendant in Cancer and Sun in Gemini: While you appear gentle and soft and are emotionally supportive of others (as described in the previous chapter), you are also very curious and inquisitive, with a childlike interest in everything new. This combination makes you a winner with children because you share their curiosity and love of play, and you also empathize with them. Psychology is probably also an interest of yours, and you are very effective dealing with people on a one-to-one basis. You surprise people sometimes because behind *** your soft, rounded appearance*** you are quite sharp, quick and intelligent. Sun in Gemini: You are, in many ways, an eternal child. Your mind is bright, alert, curious, flexible, playful, and always eager for new experiences - and your attention span is often quite brief. You grasp ideas quickly and once your initial curiosity has been satisfied, you want to go on to something else. You crave frequent change, variety, meeting new situations and people. It may be hard for you to decide just where your talents and true vocation lie, for you have a multitude of interests and are loathe to limit yourself by concentrating on just one. You are easily distracted by all of the other fascinating possibilities. Your curiosity and restlessness propel you into many different experiences in life, and you are willing to taste or try anything once. Doing the same thing over and over again, even it is something you do well, is real drudgery for you. You live in your head a great deal - reading, observing, thinking, spinning ideas around - and you need mental stimulation every bit as much as you need food and drink. In fact, if you had to choose between a good book or movie and a good lunch, you would very likely choose the former. You have a creative mind and often live by your wits. You are also a very social creature, with a strong need to communicate and to interact with people. You enjoy using and playing with words and have a real flair for getting your ideas across in a clever, interesting, articulate manner. Writing or speaking are areas you have talent for. You also have a rather light and mischievous sense of humor, and often do not take anything too seriously. Though you crave emotional involvement, it is hard for you to achieve it, for you are frequently unwilling to commit yourself to anything, to take responsibility, or to limit your personal freedom and mobility. Your happiness lies in using your creativity and your language skills to communicate something meaningful, to teach, inspire, or bring people together. You have an unbiased mind and can usually offer a fresh, clear, uncluttered perspective. Your faults are your lack of constancy and persistence, and your tendency to overlook or ignore deep emotional issues and other people's feelings.

Technorati Tags: astrology, me, flake, tannerc

-------- TITLE: home AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/05/2005 12:06:00 PM ----- BODY: my house is awesome, great locale tons of room ...cool looking etc...but i am getting sick all the time and its due to this house. gdamnit. its become apparent that the mold and other unforseen elements are causing constant health problems and i think i finally have to move. i dont know where to start and i keep waiting to find out that its not really my place...but it keeps giving me huge signs..like the latest : bathroom ceiling caving in. anybody have an awesome place for me..under 2ooo. ? -------- TITLE: hansel says: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/03/2005 04:50:00 PM ----- BODY: hear a lot of words like beauty and handsomeness and incredible chiseled features. To me its like a vanity of self absorption, that I try to steer clear of. I dig the bungee. For me that’s the way I live life. I grip it, I rip it. I live with out a lot of fear. I live on the edge. It’s where I got to be. I wasn’t like every other kid you know, who dreams about being an astronaut. I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Geere is a real hero of mine. Sting, Sting would be another person who is a hero. The music he had created over the years. I don’t really listen to it, but the fact that he is making that, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what I am doing today? No. Do I know what product I’m selling? No But I’m here, and I’m going to give it my best shot. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/03/2005 10:33:00 AM ----- BODY: I love this phrase"saint of circumstance'. I havent got any idea of what it means for reals; but it has taken on a meaning within my spoken 'in context life' and i think it circumnavigates, at very least, the area of which its meaning stems.....lets explore my usage shall we?i use it as a way to describe how someone is associated to seemingly odd situations and unconnected events and people, ex : me at an oscar party=saint of circumstance.... breaking it down: a canadian girl who had a drug-ish problem years ago, which led to ending up living in LA via rehab and knowing all the other drugaddicted but in recovery kids..whom ended up being fancy painted kids etc...SOO..seemingly only because i was in aa(which was only due to drugish prob) am i at the oscar party , no? and i 'd say i was just a saint of circumstance..meaning to me that the sit was not quite as it would be for others in similar party right?

Technorati Tags: me, sobriety

-------- TITLE: vegas and itunes AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/30/2005 12:46:00 AM ----- BODY: im at the hotel . got up after sleeping in for a good stint. went to the 'beach' private pool to meet up w/ hills, but instead forgot my key and was turned away. so...i went to the spa, awesome-then hil met me, we got my sunglasses fixxed she went shopping and i wandered back to theHotel rooms presently, i am in my room organizing ipod - listening to shit i always mean to listen to and making new playlists. dAMn i love musc. going to the hard rock to nobu for dinner -------- TITLE: vegas spa time AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/29/2005 01:02:00 AM ----- BODY: hill and i decided we need to get out of town last week...and we've been planning since: she suggested palmsprings..and i was in. i suggested santabarbara...she was in..but the thing is.. for what we wanted, everything was ridiculously expensive(like 700/night) our wants? awesome room , priced so we could each have our own... spa w/ massage etc. amazing restaurant/ food. (my secret wish list , of course included hot guys, but thats just me, hills of course is to in love to think of these petty details..) guess where we ended up? we are in !vegas?..and its perfecxt so far. flew in this afternoon. we have three days a bungalow at the pool , food choices that cause us insanity. and a bookstore that is ridiculously great.. and urban outfitters for soooooo cheap( iguess this is the down season) we just got here today so ill fill in what lives up to what expectation as we experience them... but so far so awesome... we had a little urbanoutfitters shop, noodle / thai ice tea/ greentea icecream dinner and we havent left the hotel doors. awesome now lets see about the hot dude with insta mad lust (and total asserytiveness) arriving........... -------- TITLE: advice for my love life AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/26/2005 10:03:00 PM ----- BODY: little ego boost from above aforementioned bday pres: Mars Conjunct or in hard aspect to Venus: Something about your appearance has a magnetic quality that attracts the attention of other people. You'll get more of what you really want if you aren't afraid of letting others know exactly what it is that you desire. -------- TITLE: baby showers AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/26/2005 09:11:00 PM ----- BODY: went to ie and ls baby shiower at b and d and ah's home( seems all events are there..over thew last few years) hadnt seen them in forever...very nice to see them and a is so damn beautiful. i got the babies matching rock tanktops( thedrools) and abunch of oldstyle rock shirts..acdc pinkfloyd...i thoughti t was so inventive..but jk and abunch of others did tooo...oops. so for my bday a friend got me this astrology report . whatever right? well...no i didnt even read it till yesterday and it tripped me out will post ..( if u know me ,otherwise its kinda dumb )

Technorati Tags: puppy, sundays

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/25/2005 05:49:00 AM ----- BODY: Welcome higher facts without understanding them and in time you will understand -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/23/2005 01:01:00 AM ----- BODY: i been 'out of work ' for like 24 hours and im online blowing money....at the itunes sieve (CAuse ITS ONLY 99 CentS MAN!?! repeat: i a-m-a-su-c-k-e-r. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/23/2005 12:12:00 AM ----- BODY:

totse.com | Comprehensive Guide to Noobs: ""

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/20/2005 01:36:00 PM ----- BODY: sunday went to dragonfly. everything is weird i have a serious crush . LIKE HIGHSCHOOL. kasabian is so good. so is new ff. davegrohl is hotter than most.no chin and all.he writes good songs.there will be new music out in the new year that will guarantee to blow everyone.i m very excited by little bits ive gotten to hear. i would like to be dating right now , but only specific persons..not the ones that are offering up their services. damn. would the hot ones(to me) puleessee get a clue and step up? god its so frustrating.. be a dude. step up . sweep me off my feet. im not putting any effort in till i get hit on -point blank. but then ill put in effort -------- TITLE: hurry up AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/14/2005 01:57:00 PM ----- BODY: would you show up please? hurry up or siomething..im so sick of waiting -------- TITLE: my streaming playlist dujour AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/14/2005 07:03:00 AM ----- BODY: click to stream awesomeness remember if you enyoy..go buy the songs..ahem. AND it starts quick and its loud so if you are at work pull the arrow on the left down ..or put on you r headfones. 1- this is one of my most favorite driving songs ever in the world. 2- is cause im in a phase of going through and finding forgotten(2 me) old songs..and its mikepatton 3-i am this 4-reminds me of a few summers ago. alot. 5- danny lohner remixes an already loaded Apc song. 6-reminds me of being little in canada 7-i fucking hate that i love this song-makes me want to be in love. **will someone awesome just show up in y life already. fuck.** 8-lovage mikepatton say no more -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/13/2005 05:57:00 PM ----- BODY: check it: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sys/78686692.html -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/10/2005 09:25:00 PM ----- BODY: last sunday was the funnest . aj organized a bday thing for me at dragonfly. in doing so it took all the stress off me..and cause only 5 people came it was idealic.. j and a and mw and sgp al came. i couldnt believ j came..AND the best part is he brought jps..my mostfavorite person i never see. he is alway on tours..but in town for 2 days and we snagged him.. he is trully one of the greatest people i ever met. but unless he is with a family band..he is not around.Last time i saw him was his bday brunch,(which was hosted here ) in january What a treat..he danced all night too..and hes super into the airband..i asked if hed be my drumtech..and he not only said yes..but had a whole plan with us eventually opening for thatBand.. I think everyone had fun..the post show comments made in the morning were bang on-..they saw and appreciated all the great front row awesomeness i oft talk about.. (Thought my crush on singer was pretty ironically funny.noone ever take sme seriously man.) -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/06/2005 03:39:00 AM ----- BODY: Real courage consists of departing from the false while not yet knowing what is true. We learn to love the light by seeing clearly what the darkness does to us. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/05/2005 06:23:00 AM ----- BODY: gwb summised by daily show -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/05/2005 06:07:00 AM ----- BODY:

penn from penn and teller named his child 'Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette'

its true-not bullshit.)

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/03/2005 04:16:00 AM ----- BODY:

Apple Announces PowerBook G5 for August Availability: ""

(Via .)

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/03/2005 04:14:00 AM ----- BODY: The 1.8 GHz, 12-inch PowerBook G5, for a suggested retail price of $1699 (US), includes: a 1440x900 HD widescreen LCD; a Combo (DVD-ROM/CD-RW) optical drive; 512MB of 400MHz DDR2 SDRAM; ATI Radeon Mobility x300 64MB video card; AirPort Extreme wireless networking and internal Bluetooth 2.0; DVI, VGA, S-video and composite video support; two USB 2.0 ports, two FireWire 400; optional backlit keyboard with ambient light sensor; and an 80GB Ultra ATA/100 hard drive. The 2.0 GHz, 15-inch PowerBook G5, for a suggested retail price of $1,999 (US), includes: a 1680x1050 HD widescreen LCD; a Combo (DVD-ROM/CD-RW) optical drive; 512MB of 400MHz DDR2 SDRAM; ATI Radeon Mobility x600 128MB video card; AirPort Extreme wireless networking and internal Bluetooth 2.0; DVI, VGA, S-video and composite video support; three USB 2.0 ports, two FireWire 400, FireWire 800 backlit keyboard with ambient light sensor; and an 80GB Ultra ATA/100 hard drive. The 2.3 GHz, 15-inch PowerBook G5, for a suggested retail price of $2,299 (US), includes: a 1680x1050 HD widescreen LCD; a 16x SuperDrive (DVD+R DL/DVD±R/CD-RW); 512MB of 400MHz DDR2 SDRAM; 128MB ATI Radeon Mobility x600 video card (256MB optional); AirPort Extreme wireless networking and internal Bluetooth 2.0; DVI, VGA, S-video and conposite video support; three USB 2.0 ports, two FireWire 400, FireWire 800; backlit keyboard with ambient light sensor; and an 80GB Ultra ATA/100 hard drive. The 2.3 GHz, 17-inch PowerBook G5, for a suggested retail price of $2,899 (US), includes: a 1920x1200 HD widescreen LCD; a 16x SuperDrive (DVD+R DL/DVD±R/CD-RW); 1GB of 400MHz DDR2 SDRAM; 256MB ATI Radeon Mobility x600 video card; AirPort Extreme wireless networking and internal Bluetooth 2.0; DVI, VGA, S-video and conposite video support; three USB 2.0 ports, two FireWire 400, FireWire 800; backlit keyboard with ambient light sensor; and an 100GB Ultra ATA/100 hard drive. -------- TITLE: fuck you AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/31/2005 03:05:00 PM ----- BODY: its my birthday today and my dads anniversary. it used to make me sad in a bad way , but not anymore . now, im just reflective and aware and appreciative . oh..and a bit angry. But in a goodway..like : 'clear out mutherfckers..i dont need your badass attitude today, thank you very much' My dad used to buy me flowers on my bday. (it made me feel sooo grownup when i was little) So today ,for the first time since he died, i got sent flowers on my bday, (and funnily enough..from someone who is a bit fatherlike in my life.) i also got a couple different renditions of happybirthday's sung to me on voicemail. even one live ..with real instruments(over the phone) and a canadain "bob n doug" version, eh. i found myself consistantly shocked by the thoughtfullness of each fonecall and nice gesture today and yesterday....-which is funny and kinda sad..because i ve always been so trusting and assured of relationships (somewhat 'assuming' really..That ill get the luv nomatter)but my reaction / shock today makes me see how that part of me has really been altered -which is completely due to my uncanny abilities to befriend and believe one **shitty terrible person after another **'terrible terrible shitty' person ...See,till very recently, i was the dumbass, always saying'cmon guys,,they really are just needing some frineds..they arent bad people.." then all of sudden...POOF- gone sometimes wth my ipod..sometimes with (queue the violins) a bit of my trust..BUT no more..!! . so to protectagainst such types, ive become suspicious of everyone s intentions... **('terrible terrible shitty' and **shitty terrible person' are the unfortunately appropriate, oft used trademark references of dloh's , to describe some of these 'friends'i ve had in the past} woah..dude,i m dropping scientific sized self assesments...im on fire so ill continue : i think im finally fucking beginning to stop caring about the shitty details that have kept me distracted from seeing the beauty of the nuances and wider perspective of what has become the landscape i live in , its as though i finally started to learn how to use the avid on the movie that is my life. ( excuse the hollywood -ish analogy) my life today is not remotely what i thought it was,or would be..at all, but it feels like a fit to me, finally . i love this picture: i was pissed about being interupted from telling dad some important stuff, apparently.

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/30/2005 09:32:00 AM ----- BODY: "Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves." this quote was in the text of some spam that tricked me this am... But fuck..i love it.simple all encompassing truth. thanks spam machine -------- TITLE: my birth week AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/30/2005 06:21:00 AM ----- BODY: what a life i lead. more soon... -------- TITLE: List Of Demands AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/26/2005 09:28:00 PM ----- BODY: saul williams "list of demands" thankU saul williams -------- TITLE: spazmatics7.JPG AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/23/2005 03:12:00 AM ----- BODY:

spazmatics7.JPG
Originally uploaded by acanadian -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/22/2005 09:24:00 PM ----- BODY: i havent had the patience to write anything-mostly because ive been working online and the last thing i want to do is go online when i get home..also- there isnt anything to write about. its sunday and i checked my email for the first time since friday - odd for moi. had super nice encounters with dloh. he seems so happy and present and its motivating. i like his new friend, whom i ve met before, but meeting her now, after seeing he really likes her, seems special. -------- TITLE: happy AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/16/2005 11:44:00 PM ----- BODY: very nice day. super simple, but great. after minor issues at house,went to j's to go over some artwork he'd done. had a great visit. the new dog is sooo fucking awesome and quiet and sweet. shit then b came home we went for lunch ..greenblatts( after sitting at he 101 and talking about the pastrami..we promptly drove acrooss hollywood to eatthere) then to ie and ls's to dog sit and been here fiddling with their new baby dog and irwin the sweet nice -------- TITLE: insomnia AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/14/2005 05:44:00 AM ----- BODY: i cannot sleep. its probably due to soo much rest this week. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/09/2005 02:55:00 AM ----- BODY: just home from df went with al and dev. we had fun..lots of people but not crowded.(.after aj took care of the token space hogs like the one girl in the beginning who'd been thrown off stage..on to my head, then danced 'at' me as though we were having a puerto rican dance off or something).but other thanthat it was great. super fun..
i wonder if ill ever bore of this ritual sunday event. i will say, though, i m not going anywhere else to see them again, after that one visit to aguora hills. Except maybe the hob in vegas..That would be fun, seeing as it is inTheHotel ,..
But i digress...tonights dancing by the band was killah.They are fucking great.. i was a sweaty girl this eve.. btwn dancing hard and lauhging hysterically, which don't work together.but are both good ingrediants for goodtimes.. -------- TITLE: help stop war AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/05/2005 09:48:00 PM ----- BODY: it seems lame to be upset over what i'm upset over- but i am. i am sick and sad. just fucking tired of this shit . i dont do many great things on a day to day basis- or in my life, in general... but i know one of my most valuble and strongest traits is that i am never intentionally uninclusive. NEVER. if i love you , and you are my friend , i will do anything in my power to make sure you never feel leftout. And i will , hopefully, always cultivate this trait/chacteristic as part of me... This is because i find exclusivity the worst club ever created and the human behaviours associated with it: secrecy-deception-lying-concealment-(any behaviour thats carried out due to a root mal intention) are the seeds for shitty human-being-ness.
By this i refer to The kind of human that blows you off till they need something from you - like help with their computer or to borrow your(fill in the blank)or help getting in da club ... Or they just seem to never think of you when the fun stuff comes across their desk. They are the same friend' who never seems to see who is infront of them; only who isn't- and they cant wait to get to that 'other'* group they are the one's who dont remember to tell you about something you'd love- because they want to tell the others* first- *( you know..the "others'-those who r higher on the guest list or closer to all the good shit?). Its the friend that never asks or listens to whats going on with you- but seems to have you as a friend solely to criticize and give advice to, based on their idea of how or who you are.. etc etc.*** ( the truth is they did seem to be your friend in a real sense at one point...but you forget when ) It's these people , these friends, that always seem to end up getting their needs met....seemingly easily and consistantly....but the catch is that its usually via meanspirited intentions..either directly or indirectly...it doesnt matter because its the root intent that matters... Intentions that hurt others knowingly are fucking Lame (suckass shitty bad wrong) Enough , i say.

this is a call for action for all of us : because i know me and my friends are just off track..and perhaps you or your friends are too.... So,Please... Lets all just try and stop it, then it will be alot easier and more enjoyable for all (even YOU-dear,mal-intentioned-overlooking-shitty friend....)
I mean c'mon, if you really think about it, how hard is it going to be? to act -and more importantly BE, more thoughful of others? to all those who are around you, whether they're around by choice or by force(ie:work, partners of friends etc) It would only mean(mind the pun) remembering this easy childhood firefighters phrase: STOP DROP AND ROLL ...i'll explain: STOP : talking about others faults and instead DROP them a compliment STOP : being sneaky, stop bringing up events or things that others arent going to be invited to, or hey...novel idea? DROP: them an invite .. ROLL: with it... with those around you , ..within their world ** -How about asking how their week is going? What amazing feelings you instill just by checking in with people, without needing them for stuff.just ROLLing with it. without number one intent being your own wants..just DROP a message to say hi. those make me feel great. and so do the feelings i have from the intuitive sense that you (my soon-to-be-more-thoughtful friend) just give a shit about me today. It helps me to want to give a shit about life.and you..and the dude im working for.
See what im getting at?..then its easier for those of us that you intentionally were nice to , to do the same thing.. It is a bit gay that im writing this- but im really and trully deeply affected by these things.. To know you are hurting someone because it (and deep down we always know when we are) is definetly not good for u them or for the planet:if u cause intentional unecessacry hurt=you cause tiny tears in the universe and more seperation and this isnt how the war is stopped or how kids learn to be loving humans or how we create a community or help each other to help ourselves.or how to get happy. and, as with everything, it's silence about these behaviours that keeps them ok and thus prepetuated.. So : STOPit-DROPsomeLuv and ROLLeasy ... **when you start with great intent- you'll find others really want your advice and opinion..fancy that huh?) -------- TITLE: Direct to you , from my past.. AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/03/2005 10:48:00 AM ----- BODY: Fd arrived last night, havent seen him in a few years... he's still super gorgeous..more so even? i dunno. But its really nice to have him here- he's a reaaly good person, i forget how little were when we were together. I feel like im a bit harsh around him, this morning, though. i have a grumpy edge and im seeing how soft ,so to speak he has become. or maybe its because he is going through some tough stuff with his relkationship etc. -------- TITLE: listen to this AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/02/2005 05:13:00 AM ----- BODY: holy shit... this rules -------- TITLE: sundays AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/02/2005 03:07:00 AM ----- BODY: tonight was extra fun- everyone went to cochella or vegas- which meant extra room to dance .and less assholes.. went w/ aj...her bff Devcame with, he's really kewl. like talking to him about nerdy stuff. girls from friday eve came, also. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/28/2005 01:46:00 AM ----- BODY: i am sorta feeling sick. nauseauos.nozowa -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/28/2005 01:40:00 AM ----- BODY: Last night went to cbs radford for taping of eddie's new show. its called "the crumbs",( ?prolly be different when it airs..these things seem to change) Its a sitcom, about a upper middleclass family from back east . Fred Savage( wonder years) is son no.1, who's moved to LA to persue sreenwriting, and after one movie success, is now 'blocked...He's gay but his family doesnt know. Eddie is the bro who survived boating accident that a third brother died in, eddie's character, Jody, stayed to run the family restaurant- he is a bit of a womanizer/sex addict and bitter at brother fred savage for leaving . the father (bill devane) has recently left the mother (jane curtain) for a restaurant critic, whom is now pregnant. The dad has become a past life massage therapist and drives a mint vespa. The mom went nuts due to all of the above and attempted to run over dad , so she's just been released from mental hospital.Which is where the show opens.. brothers picking mom up from institute... The show is so well written and eddie is fabulous in it. sooo funny and he and jane curtain are perfect as son/ mother. He is really and trully great at this role and im not just saying it. He and lynn left to get married in hawaii tonight... staying at how.s's new 'plantation' on kauii. Lynn is due in august , i beleive, but she looks fantastic.I dont know why i never thought pregnancy was attractive..cause both lynn and draven look(ed) hot. i seem to be very productive these days. but my social life is seriously nil n void. -------- TITLE: how to find me? AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/25/2005 09:16:00 PM ----- BODY: a few examples of searches that brought people to my site.. hmmm.

dinner parties for swingers

sex BSDM - taintme comes up as the 5th and 3rd . sheesh..

scared of the dentist

rnice girlls

hitthis

meaning of selfcentered

mini-slut

iranian skiiers

a.v.n. awards 2005

skateboarding hair for boys

weird art peice

exhibisionist these ones come in all the time from various search engines)

wilt+chamberlain+house

Staffishire terrier

strepthroat interessant, non? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/25/2005 11:46:00 AM ----- BODY: sunday night par usuale..
i must say though.. this evenings dance moves seemed especially dazzling.
and the first set of 'guest' dancers were AWEsum.
a bit different than what we usually see...a little, shall we say, 'tougher'? more .. 'melissa ethridge' than your average sunday softcore dancer. but they Just saddled on up there , rawkinHard around the band..yet, focusing most of this down n dirty awesome-ness on ( of course) leadsinger kevin Even my fellow canadian, avril lavigne's guest spot , although super kickass and all... ..
didnt hold a candle to the less famous antics...such as..
say... the ultra-aggressive 'dry humping' of above forementioned lead singer by 4..5? 7?.. of the bands finest fans, during the always rowdy 'like a virgin' cover. hmmmm.
None of these girls looked or acted much like virgins.
In factthey looked well versed in how to hump ferreal........
although, it sorta looked like kevin got hurt , but that could of been pleasurable pain,.....
i mean really..what do i know?
BUT...The bestest part by far, was the front row awesome-ness.
From start to finish these girls ruled in all their fascinating comehitherness. i need a camera to document. its trully spectacular. *note:..i m not sure they are aware these guys are a cover band..?

Technorati Tags: spazmatics, sundays

-------- TITLE: spazmatic AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/24/2005 10:59:00 PM ----- BODY: Albert Einstein is the most awesome - he said : "The finest emotion of which we are capable is the mystic emotion. Herein lies the germ of all art and all true science. Anyone to whom this feeling is alien, who is no longer capable of wonderment and lives in a state of fear is a dead man. To know that what is impenetrable for us really exists and manifests itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty, whose gross forms alone are intelligible to our poor faculties - this knowledge, this feeling ... that is the core of the true religious sentiment." -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/22/2005 09:34:00 PM ----- BODY: listening to another awesome mix from the awesomest friend -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/21/2005 01:54:00 PM ----- BODY: i am presently overwhelmed with thoughts and am attempting to 'write aboot it' ..So i cant stop thinking about certain people and i have my platwe full and really cant afford the leasure -ly anxious worry time im so used to dwelling in..I need to focus on present tasks. But...i have this weird energy free floating.. that is making me feel like i am in grade 6 and i found out that derek jazzic rated me a 9 and a half out of ten on the bus ride home. It was easier then, actually when you could be straight up about what you wanted to know what boys thought of you etc ..straignt up in a directly rerouted via gutsier friends who would ask boys to fill out rating grids on all the girls... which would *directly* inform you if they loved you or not. i m propsing we bring back this system. OK:on a scale of 1-10 looks? personality? athelitic ability? smartness? Go ahead and post a comment with the above data filled out.. and ill heart you forevah, homeslice. -------- TITLE: huh ? AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/21/2005 03:36:00 AM ----- BODY: what'd tha man say eearly? huh? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/21/2005 12:07:00 AM ----- BODY: -------- TITLE: blah blah blahg AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/20/2005 10:08:00 PM ----- BODY: feeling very organizzed. just ate with mw at thai girlfriend restaurant. listening to awesome mix sent from awesomer dude.. cant stop thinking about certain situations ..kinda likeim running on adrenal from the charge of the thought that maybe...just maybe. im being too cryptic. everything feels way more exposed these days online. like blogging was my secret vent for years...with a few run ins here n there, but now its everybodies thing. ihad sooo much fun on sunday night that i dont even really want to go out till next sunday. -------- TITLE: testing blog desktop software AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/20/2005 01:48:00 AM ----- BODY: this post is via Ecto the last ramble ( below) is via MarsEdit -------- TITLE: testing blog desktop software AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/20/2005 01:48:00 AM ----- BODY: this post is via Ecto the last ramble ( below) is via MarsEdit -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/20/2005 01:35:00 AM ----- BODY:

A habit is a pattern of behavior acquired by repetition. Psychologists and behavior experts say that it takes about 20 to 70 days to form a new habit.

(from "the 10 minute guide to getting organized"By Janet Bigham Bernstel, Stephen Windhaus)

interesting.

So, it only takes a few weeks, if this theory is correct, to become addicted...to anything?

its seems so simple when you try something new or start a new 'habit' without meaning it to be a 'habit' ..like having a cup a coffee one moring..when you havent ever been a coffee drinker- but one a.m. its presented and drunk enjoyed and ..associated?...probably because of outer crcumstances..not cause the coffee was so great..you were in a really great fun conversation..or something cool happens and your happy horomones kick in ... and subsequently coffee is forever associated with the emotion felt.

what the hell am i talking about eh?

im either loney bored or both?

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/19/2005 10:24:00 AM ----- BODY: i think im lacking in crushes again. i have to find new ones. let me know if you think of any or think you could be one. come on -------- TITLE: spaz-a-matique AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/17/2005 05:48:00 PM ----- BODY: sunday night came and went. 2 of the ranger neighbours came this eve; which, coupled with the fact that they( the dragonfly) opened a huge new room; made for less agro pushing and shoving ...what a relief.its really asinine how protective ive become of dance space . im a full on cockblocked groupie , i guess. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/17/2005 04:21:00 AM ----- BODY: i am finally feeling better. yeah -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/16/2005 11:18:00 PM ----- BODY: i am so frustrated right now. tring to set things up for sites and not working prpoerly and head feels like a mac truck hit it. fingers wont type and someone tookmy last coke,fuckers -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/16/2005 09:55:00 PM ----- BODY: touchy subject ahead: ive been writing online since along time ago. nothing noteworthy. just exhibisionist style ramblings about nothing. some things have gotten me in shit, by mistakenly being read by the wrong eyes. but...in general, over the long haul..its been cool ; sometimes therapy ,sometimes purgeing sometimes collecting my thoughts. sometimes being an exhibisionist to no one on nothing. but lateley ive made a rather large lifestyle choice that is seeming to be worth documenting on here..because getting clear unbiased objective thoughts on its effects is not possible. You see.. i was sober ( abstinant from all mind altering thingyies) for over 6 years. i m involved in a large community of sober people..all finding& helpingeachother to a way out of some lifestyle into a another. usually one with deeper personal meaning , on all levels. nothing hocusy pocusy..just how to live a life outside the trappings of selfcentered thinking. it is a remarkable undescribable community that is filled with my friends and family. over the last year i had a shift..not bad, just started to peice my own ideas and thoughts together for the first time as an adult, with self esteem...and came to some awesome and scary realizations for myself.; i wasnt growing anymore..i had shut my openvalve and was spitting out dirty water overflow...nothing new coming in on the personal developement front. i felt stagnant..so i tried to reasses..and do certain formulaic prescriptions. no need to go over the process..as it was mostly an internal evolution that brought me to a galss of champagne at a moet party during fashion week. nothing right? well, with the way my life is setup and my relationships work..this glaass of moet altered things. some were small tilts of alteration..others seem to be big old boulder toppling avalanche style alterations. lots of nuances involved.things are changeing in my relationships , to say the least. getting it? i have lots of rad coolfriendships that i have made during my sober years..what i realized last year was...i had became a. the sober girl from canada..you know friends with xxx and xyx? oh yeah the sober girl. ahah. this got me. -------- TITLE: here i go again... AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/16/2005 09:28:00 PM ----- BODY: trying to fixx the csssssss -------- TITLE: pretty much my favorite OS AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/16/2005 04:54:00 PM ----- BODY: pretty much my favorite OS -------- TITLE: i hate to hate AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/16/2005 04:52:00 PM ----- BODY: i have been sick and stuck for days and feel like hating on certain situations.. but i wont. so il just tell you how i was going to hate on ........and ...... and.... but ive decided to heed my dads advice: hate is too strong a word..strongly dislike.. which doesnt feel worthy of a post( strongly disliking)so here i am not hating on. -------- TITLE: dad_alc AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/13/2005 11:28:00 PM ----- BODY:

dad_alc
Originally uploaded by acanadian.

dad and me

-------- TITLE: i ahve a sinus infection. sorta. AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/13/2005 04:35:00 PM ----- BODY: i feel like my cheeks ares wollen and i have a fever if im not on some speedy ass cold and sinus tylenol thing. yuck. i m really grumpy and in pain. df bday tonight. its jk ;'s in a few and gk and hills -------- TITLE: my mom is digitally savvy! AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/11/2005 04:30:00 PM ----- BODY: she bought me this canon A95 the day after it came out. how awesome and how lucky. kick ass. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/11/2005 05:34:00 AM ----- BODY: met the elusive(to me) enigmatic to all..kevin/M ..albeit dont know if he quite got who i was, or even recalled the emailing -as it was a few months ago...and in a rockstars life , thats many babes ago.&..The sea of babes is gi-normous for these guys. W and friend showed up, as did Rene. I was high energy ...mostly because i was in my pjs ,here all weekend. need to get out more. . i'm , unfortunately, bored senseless with present male company( note to self-NEVER LET HIM KNOW OF THIS SITE*) when he tells me stuff..i cannot remember what hes saying as the words waffle out................ Hes not a bad guy , just not a good match. I have flashes mid waffle of screaming "BOW TO YOUR SENSEI".. or just calmingly standing from where we sit and walking off, without a word. pretty indicitive - when someone u r 'hanging' out with instills fantasies such as these. He doesnt like to talk , he says..but it seems its all he does, at me. about himself. too well rounded and not funny enuff. doesnt get my humour AT ALL. you know when you are telling a story ... like how your hassid neighbours kids saw you getting changed ..some self-effacing humour ..and he's listening..and im telling all the funny bits. as i had to friends earlier (who were peeing themselves, i mite add) and i look at him staring blankly..like hes trying to grasp where im coming from or where im going.. its awfully uncomfortable. and he "uhmms" at the tales end ~ and proceeds to tell me of how children are exposed to sexuality too early these days????? Geeeeezzzzzzzzzzz louise.yeah guy. you and me should hang more. or if there is teeny tiny mid sentance refrence to something he 'feels' passionate(loose use) about..he interjects to waffle sum more. he bugs me. -------- TITLE: fun(ny) AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/11/2005 03:07:00 AM ----- BODY: spazmatics -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/10/2005 09:04:00 PM ----- BODY: fucker -------- TITLE: back to this again AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/10/2005 06:11:00 PM ----- BODY: been trying to play around And finally put up portfolio links resume and tweaks to css on this site..but i never seenm to have enough time to finish the layout before i have to werk fer real. wo is me and mysite eh? Anyway ..i have had the worst allergies EVER since thursday/friday..painful and fluish feelings . respiratory system is bugging out. stayed here in pjs almost all weekend. quiet. boys upstairs went to vegas. its sunday tonight..woo-hooo Dance party if i dont haveanother allergy attack. Its scary..i actually feel like out of nowherr i can barely breathe. Speaking losing breathe..i watched the classic work of art: The Bodyguard this afternoon thought i needed to see fluff after deadpoetssociety . Theres something awesomely great about that movie. -------- TITLE: ecclectic gatherings AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/07/2005 09:23:00 AM ----- BODY: feel so great today. saw j last night..havent seen her since last summer ..she is kickin ass. looks and seems amazzzing. must remeber to send email links i promised. fun dinner with rye jm mw. what an ODD group. where, save for here..not LA..but herein my life , would you have a dinner with: a skateboarding wrestling porn loving actor from venice highly specialized and even highl-ier topsecret dept of def special services officer , on a break from the middle east and a business of rawk metal specialist. Oh..and me. ... being most probably..nope Definetely... the least interesting of the crew. but most interested. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/04/2005 05:15:00 PM ----- BODY: spazmatics last night was fun. murphyjensen came, which is always fun. sorry, even this long afyer seeing them i still think they are hot.something endearing about this band, especially the ballet segement. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/03/2005 03:28:00 AM ----- BODY: lots of fun at bday dinner this eve. laughed my ass off. bakersfeild girls crack me up. -------- TITLE: re edit AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/03/2005 01:33:00 AM ----- BODY: i realize , in spurts , that my life is travelling on a slow steady course, its just very confusing for me. right now, anyway. i dont understand the placement or displacement of certain people, in it. i miss some of my friends terribly, especially after this winter and all that i ve changed. i was so looking forward to seeing a few that didnt come tonight. also, in talking , i realize that i dont want to know what is going on in the scope of the nanowerlds of others. its too intense and taxing. what appears important isnt. what is important to me isnt to others and i cant make it different. i just have to change my werld . i guess im doing that , but it feels tiring and taxing.i dont know where to start, except this inventory. i feel invisible -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/29/2005 02:57:00 AM ----- BODY: tryigng to change some css is a bitch -------- TITLE: EFF: Homepage AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/25/2005 08:55:00 AM ----- BODY: i support -------- TITLE: xmas 04 AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/25/2005 05:31:00 AM ----- BODY:

xmas 04
Originally uploaded by acanadian.

i love this picture

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/23/2005 03:29:00 AM ----- BODY: i am not sure if i llive in BC or southern california???The weather is soooo exactly what i grew up with and tried to move away from. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/18/2005 08:32:00 AM ----- BODY: my life is weird. or more accuretly, i guess, life in general, is weird. i live below 2 army rangers. as in US army special forces , both veterans of the war. They are little boys, in that they are 22 and 23. they are both my friends. Jf is like my brother. tonight a friend of theirs, from their troop, arrived to visit for the weekend - i brought them out to to a dumb-ish hollywood party. the misconceptions i have of people was evident this eve. i dance when i go to party's clubs etc. but not serious dance, i usually am in the best least crowded spot doing fun goofy moves w/ a friend( i have a list of my dancing friends -its very specific.) So these boys come meet us( im w/aj cr ) and i assume they will need to be entertained and not want to dance-or be really bad embarrassing dancers...i made these assumptions because, in my head, if they were in the army ..they cant possibly "get it" ie: be quick enuff to get into dance dumbness i do. Oh how very wrong i was..... how naive i am.. they were immeadiatly on the floor with us...goofing and not being gross/embarassing. actually being more fun on a dance for than any guy i know. (save for mw at ad ) AND we stayed up talking after and i came to realize alot more. Mostly about the assiniity(?) my assumptions create and how elitist i am, with no good cause. i think i may have missed out on alot of experiences, thus far in life due to this ...must note and stay in awareness ....Oh and BTW: friend visiting is hot. extremely. he reminds me of someone else. someon who i think of too much..and musnt -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/14/2005 08:49:00 AM ----- BODY: spazmatics fun i gave d my camera he got some pics from on onstage. Brought L and , of course.. was sooo awesoem..they sart playing like a virgin..and i said GO Up n Dance.(kinda kidding..,mostly just hoping she'd do this: ..kinda joking but not really , knowing full well she's the only person i know who could pull that shit off. she did..without a second of hesitaion. i love her sooo much. funny how dloh told me a few weeks ago 'you need a crew.. girls that will get your bacjk nomatter. i have ana elfbr hils df (thru saint of circumstance is plesantly back in my life) newly rooting AND with long aquaintainship...aj L ..im going to stop tallying..its silly, but im in list sorta mood..meme time -------- TITLE: Notorious ly unsolved AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/12/2005 09:07:00 AM ----- BODY: -------- TITLE: Thrashing Through Cyberspace: AOL Eavesdrops, Grants Itself Permission To Steal Your AIM Conversations AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/12/2005 06:11:00 AM ----- BODY: BRUTAL -------- TITLE: Nepal? AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/12/2005 03:50:00 AM ----- BODY: This sux -------- TITLE: re: the eels AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/12/2005 02:46:00 AM ----- BODY: i really really love this .damn. this is the last question from an VH1 interview with Mark Oliver Everett("E" of the eels) "VH1: Finish this sentence, "E was the blank of his generation." E: The Orson Welles of alternative music. And Shootenanny was clearly his Citizen Kane. Someone has to say it and I don't want to wait anymore. cant wait for this -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/10/2005 05:53:00 AM ----- BODY: The most deeply seated instinct in us is our craving for experience. And that is why the efforts of the Utopians to make life a perfect routine always arouses subconscious revolt in the spirit of man.” © Aleister Crowley, Diary of a Drug Fiend i concur -------- TITLE: laurel canyon awesome ness AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/09/2005 03:04:00 AM ----- BODY:

IMG_0003
Originally uploaded by acanadian.

took from the car whilst driving( dl was driving, i was passenger side)
so, from this ..i can tell u :
A) my camera is awesome
and
B) laurel canyon is the best

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/08/2005 06:25:00 PM ----- BODY: feeling good . free and single. i realize how constrained i felt and how much i of my irritablity comes from feeling smothered, whether or not im being smothered is subjective..but in my mind i felt totally backed in a corner. i cant stand that.but today i feel good. a bit verging on great. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/06/2005 10:28:00 PM ----- BODY: everything but the girl. awesome -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/04/2005 11:38:00 PM ----- BODY: i haven't been writing as i don't have a laptop. this is causing me to realize how reliant i am on this dumb technology. sitting up straight,it seems, isnt an option for rambling. i guess. well, im officially on the market for new everything: laptop, jobs and comfort. if you feel like it send all or any of the above mentioned and you will be rewarded, somehow. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/01/2005 05:52:00 PM ----- BODY: this is the strangest period of my life. not the top of the strange -like if i were rating degrees of strange this isnt the number one. but the strange feelings and sifts around my life are trippy. i wish i could explain better. its sorta like if you half wake up from a super intense dream...one that is like reallife with odd twists...except i havent fully woke up. thats a bad example but i don't know how to explain . i feel a little trapped. i feel a little liberated Also .. angst and hope and fear and some other unrecognizable shite swirlling around inside me. today i went with mw to jwbn. then here for him to witness The thing in my backroom. then to ameoba . bought cds . then to terry's. then here. maria was here. now noone. feel like i need someone to talk to . but noone i think of is right.noone that will therapize or tell me what to do with THE THING. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/27/2005 10:14:00 PM ----- BODY: its crazy how i feel right now. fuckin wild. i havent felt this sort of energy in years. i feel so lost. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/24/2005 09:20:00 PM ----- BODY:

rebecca mead dot com -- a collection of articles by Rebecca Mead: ""

-------- TITLE: sinksideSun AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/24/2005 08:58:00 PM ----- BODY:

sinksideSun
Originally uploaded by acanadian.

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/24/2005 08:54:00 PM ----- BODY: its sunny. its soooooooo nice. i feel light again- holy shit weather realy really depresses my system..if LA keeps having vaancouver-esque winters..im going to have to go further south..But today its all perfect for me. minus powerbook failure. more on this later. much potential work on the horizon...waiting to find out on a few from this weekend. my new camera is rad: -------- TITLE: tipping point AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/24/2005 04:39:00 AM ----- BODY:

is this irony or freakiness or what ?

out of the kazillion things i've thought of since..say, last saturday...my ex boyfriend, Joel fitz , has been on my mind ..t just random thoughts thunk; probably because ive been chatting with lc of late and it got me thinking to way back when we met ( lc and i) and where i was in my life ( dating jf..who introduced me to lc) ANYWAy...so there is piece one...1=spotty thoughts of jf. Piece 2 consists of this book that keeps coming up, i didn't have a clue what it was about, The tipping point , or who wrote it..but then i aimlessly meandering thru listings of SXSW speakers and i came across the Author's pic . .piece 2.1= i had dinner with baby C and she was raving about the second book Blink. kept saying i was going to check it out.. cut to..this eve hills and i go to the groove around 7pm..apple store, etc..then i decide to stay late cause i know the bookstore (B et N?Blech) is open late..i go up and peruse code and design books and recall the aforementioned book-i bought it...get home..start reading... and by the second page he is referencing above forementioned exBF jf ..... all my life's a circle..sunrise to sundown with people coming round again.....with every page i turn.( totally coped from harry chapin ) -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/22/2005 01:43:00 PM ----- BODY: my G5 wont start. i may kill . i ran software update slast night . restarted...grey screen... apple logo......spinning ...then the fan starts wheezing...revving higher and higher...( ive NEVER HAD A PROBLENM W/ THE FAN SOUND ETC) so i did all fixes i could think of:
reset the pram ..

started up from startupdisk w/c

same as above w/ external cd drive

t drive on laptop( it came up no prob..?)

damn it all . nuthing the san ebehaviour each time.,

im bummed .

and dangerously frustrated

Then the power in the house blew. all of it.

and did i menton my heat is off..has been for months...gas company visits were useless.

landlord wont respond.

well one problem just solved;electrician via yellow pages told me today is dooms day

and that the world is ending.

oh, and restored power.

interessant, no?
-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/22/2005 11:08:00 AM ----- BODY: the worst feelings for me:: being lied to ...and knowing it at the point the lie is being told. being angry at people that dont deserve your energy being misunderstood, and/or misinterpreted calculated meanness masked as thoughtlessness/laziness being condescended to (s'that proper?) being lied to- and knowing it as it happens....or did i say that already. -------- TITLE: Author Hunter S. Thompson commits suicide - Feb 21, 2005 AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/20/2005 09:51:00 PM ----- BODY: CNN.com - Author Hunter S. Thompson commits suicide - Feb 21, 2005 -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/20/2005 04:46:00 PM ----- BODY: i have been fighting rage all day-everything is causing me to feel so much anger ? stupid shit-my cousin upstairs-people knocking on the door-my phone ringing-driving-parking-work OH yeah..AND once again my stupid choices for friends.. how many times do i get given the same situation till i see it before i get bit?? well , to be fair, i have awesome friends in general-its just the ones on the side i pick up that others are leary of always..and i defend till im left in the dust shaken by their deceitful personalities( laughable one , this time,at least) geez i must be Pmsing. .had mellow weekend baby bday was cancelled due to rain, so i met dloh at mels..we had a fun time. he was in awesome form.i was laughing so hard and we stayed through 3 tables changeing behind us.when he is on a rolli can listen to his banter forever..except when he embarresses me;Case in point: i saw a guy i thought was tom sizemoore..i was actually sure it was him...BUt danny knew better,par usuale... and to prove it to me he kept yelling TOM in the restaurant...so every-gdamn-one turned around, except "tom sizemoore", of course.mortified me. weird to go to a restaurant and see all the tourists with maps and serious glints in their eyes ,as they look for jenifer aniston or billy zane(?where d i pull tha one out of..) funny. but i did hav ean awesome early am. went to mels woth dloh and laughed a t his antics ( hf's bday was cancellec) -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/09/2005 05:25:00 PM ----- BODY: practice, focus and surrender

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/09/2005 07:15:00 AM ----- BODY: i am wide AWAKE so early again its bizarre. i have many things i could be doing, but im looking through design magazines (not g.design, interior stuff) josh ( upstairs neigbhour)fixed my electricity last night!i have had the worst faulty outlets since moving to this place in 1999. now not only can i turn lights on via their switches,..but he showed me how things worked and were wired, which is always fun for this dork. i love that shit, And he has a special toolkit with soldering iron which i must find a use for at once. lastnight had awesome dinner with hils df and mw .missed the babyc, but she was otherwise occupied visiting cheyenne, i believe. was OG 101 table. awesome day on monday w/ lel. he came over in the am , w.his computer but didnt have powersource( he thought id have one for it) so both of in shitty stress moods..went out to melrosemacgot one then met jk at 101..and had funny long lunch together.then went back to my house and sorted out his computer and hd problemo's he made me the awesomest playlist ever. damn i have a good core group of people ..i always forget how funny they are , too. jk has been extra funny last few days. picked em up after the movies ( they went .i was at dinner) drove them home as they walked down...i was laughing a lot. it make s me happy when they r happy. -------- TITLE: zoloft kills AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/09/2005 04:06:00 AM ----- BODY: anti-depressant debates -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/08/2005 08:27:00 PM ----- BODY: i made some serious headway -------- TITLE: taintme AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/07/2005 09:33:00 AM ----- BODY: oh the life unplanned can bring surprises. en route to the sunday staple( nerdrawk i got a call frm unknown no. which i NEVER answwer..specially on the way to special sexxy geek fun. but i answered? ls was on the othe rline...someone i never thought id hear from again..and she was asking to come over..magic heart strings started playing the soap operatic ques, whilst gilded memories float thru my head screen...so deceptive this brain heart thing .. anyway she went to my house, while i wasnt there and mom and her visited and mom consoled , i gather.wow. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/07/2005 05:52:00 AM ----- BODY: Oddly Enough - UK Reuters (i just copied this for sheer awe-struckness..) Girls fined for giving neighbour cookies Fri Feb 4, 2:19 PM ET DURANGO, Colorado (Reuters) - A Colorado judge ordered two teen-age girls to pay about $900 (480 pounds) for the distress a neighbour said they caused by giving her home-made cookies adorned with paper hearts. The pair were ordered to pay $871.70 plus $39 in court costs after neighbour Wanita Renea Young, 49, filed a lawsuit complaining that the unsolicited cookies, left at her house after the girls knocked on her door, had triggered an anxiety attack that sent her to the hospital the next day. Taylor Ostergaard, then 17, and Lindsey Jo Zellitte, 18, paid the judgment on Thursday after a small claims court ruling by La Plata County Court Judge Doug Walker, a court clerk said on Friday. The girls baked cookies as a surprise for several of their rural Colorado neighbours on July 31 and dropped off small batches on their porches, accompanied by red or pink paper hearts and the message: "Have a great night". The Denver Post newspaper reported on Friday that the girls had decided to stay home and bake the cookies rather than go to a dance where there might be cursing and drinking. It reported that six neighbours wrote letters entered as evidence in the case thanking the girls for the cookies. But Young said she was frightened because the two had knocked on her door at about 10:30 p.m. and run off after leaving the cookies. She went to a hospital emergency room the next day, fearing that she had suffered a heart attack, court records said. The judge awarded Young her medical costs, but did not award punitive damages. He said he did not think the girls had acted maliciously but that 10:30 was fairly late at night for them to be out. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/04/2005 11:20:00 AM ----- BODY: guess what ? im at the crossroads of dig in or out not lost anymore. i find my clarity is leading me exactly to who i am , essentially and fer reel i cant fake pretend with anyone about anything. my attitude has spun and it feels like im looking out from a different place. kewl. im all into this internal process regur. on blogger right now. comments? directions? free love? bring it on -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/04/2005 03:56:00 AM ----- BODY: bday party at velvet marguarita this eve. much verbal spillage in my head..but for the lateness..the finerPoints*** chatting with r about our common experience over the last yera -(leaving YKW after so many sober years), awe-sum exchange- Sammy came!!!!! sooo good to see him, ramone came. awesome to see him also. Mw ,also, though he wanted to leave - he stayed and was the highlight of my earlier night. ds is funny. so is ofair(sp??)nice to finally meet the person attached to the name that i hear so often from others.he seems like a very interesting guy. the VelvetMarg. is cool. a bit of a hot guy spot, too. went next door and had visit w/ rene-manning the door at ever hip beautyBar, cali also. ( whose bro was our srver last night at 3ofclubs) k. im being cryptic and im holding back a firestorm of the lame funny pathetic stories of behaviour at the end of my evening..but im trying to be peaceful and non judgemental( in public and outloud , anyway)so ill sleep on the judgmental fireings..and hope that i am relieved of this yucky feeling i seem to get around very specific individualslately -------- TITLE: comments and template tags AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/25/2005 02:18:00 PM ----- BODY: jezuz the code for comments and permanent post links SUCK ive never had such a time with my blog in 4 years. gawd damn -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/24/2005 10:33:00 PM ----- BODY: i am really lost in a sea of dv -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/24/2005 07:56:00 PM ----- BODY: having some upload dilemmas -------- TITLE: my gawd! AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/24/2005 06:48:00 PM ----- BODY: ive werked all day! a miracle, and nothing short of. plus ive entertained myself to nooo end, also. i cant believe how dumb some people either ARE or think i am. fun to lead them on to think you belive their lies. -------- TITLE: india AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/24/2005 11:55:00 AM ----- BODY:

india
Originally uploaded by acanadian.

pictures of ganges at sunrise asnd sundown.
from a boat on the river and then looking at the river from the burning ghats.

varanasi india im so cool

-------- TITLE: goingtoWorkOut guys? AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/24/2005 11:13:00 AM ----- BODY:

goingtoWorkOut guys?
Originally uploaded by acanadian.

even though i wrote the comment , it made me laugh out loud.Jolie where r u?

-------- TITLE: today AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/24/2005 07:41:00 AM ----- BODY: i am going to finish editing dloh's bday present. i swear. everytime i start though, i get so caudght up in learning Finalcut and motion and all the freaking cool shit i can do..then i get all caught up in the dogs cuteness.. i am easilydistracted, wouldnt you say? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/23/2005 10:16:00 PM ----- BODY: woops: here's the linkn to my crushes. embarrasment page going to spazmatics... -------- TITLE: my celebrity crushes AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/23/2005 07:16:00 AM ----- BODY: i live in a town where all the famous people either live or pass through on very regular basis. i am a non famous ,canadian girl; i get star struck and have a few crushes on famous guys..becuase of their public persona..here swhere it gets interesting( or not) i live literally in the center oflos angeles ..err Hollwood(btwn la brea + highland, and melrose+beverely)this make sit more like being ina big ass high school,on my first year in gr7 ..knowng the names and affiliations of all the gr 11 and 12 skateboarder boys.just not knowing them so my chance of comeing across these crushs is fairly allright...but likelyhood of a)talking to them B) liking them really, after witnessing their realself..or 4) them even noticing me ,are pretty slim. but in the interest of boredom, slight loneliness, and better times ahead...and an inbred sense of blind faith i am posting my celeberity crushes here : kinda stupid n a bit gay -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/23/2005 02:52:00 AM ----- BODY: remember that song on tom waites MULE...where hes got saws and shit in the background..saying'what is he doing over there..?" etc?? well my nights are reiminiscent of this..my upstairs neighbour is constantly 'doing shit' and walking the floor of the apt with heavy heels...running up and down both sets of stairs...And he's up all the time ...no sleep for the trully bizzy, i guess..but really..what is he doing up there???making me a present..probably, right? ok i am definetly in some sort of perplexing space with the state of my socialife..or lack there of. very mellow and relaxing...i just always worry ...what happened? how come im not getting 450 calls like before THAT I HATED but still..a bit catch 22 ish for the fickle. those i do see or talk to consistantly, are trully family. like it or not , these people dont seem to be going anywhere :dl jk ie ls al am dv mw mj even tfox and jp are more deeply entrenched in my emotional vault than those i see much more often.interessant ...but i realize that most of the people ive spent most of my time with the last few years do not actually ..i dont know the right werds..its just a feeling i had upon pondering stuff and people..i guess there is 2 types of great friends in my world the boring stayed true ones, who never want to go out with me...but i know i could go to their homes at any given hour and theyd let me in..to geek out or whatever.the other type is the socially inclined friend, more about how we can work off each other for maximum fun ...generally,m not having breakfast with them, or feeling any general safety with these people.i just feel..well very little authentic emotions come up for me when i think of these kids(my Social-scentsters.).. as much as i love going out and stuff and doing the gay LA stuff that my core group WILL NEVR do.. i can go to their house to get out of mine.nomatter,anyof those guys i could do that.the friends of my *late* sociallife..not so much. i guess thats how ill define my relatiosnhips for now..could i see myself showing up at your house mid day to watchtv or geek out on computers? y or n. on the social tip:i m growing up ..because i no longer have any false idea that i m excluded from missing anything, if not there where IT is happnin. whatevah....besides..i KNOW that i dont ever or never yet , meet people in clubs or out..everytimE i go out, i do meet people..just not dates or future close friends, more like idiots whom I am trying to make less annoying for other people by picking up talking to the least interesting(?) person ...ive only ever met people who later became special via others i am already tight with...its all an inside job, eh im too shy for the approach outside... i sorta feel liberated and sad at the same time..not uncommon to have these two emotions in the same salon of experience., i guess...*shit, there he goes again..just ran up the stairs loud as hell...again( down) friend of his is here..they are talking very loud-i dont care btw, im just doing my online literary version of tom w's song. i mean, im up..they arent disrupting me..and i cant stand my other neigbours,not worrie dabout their sleep...as they're an amazingly awful family from isreal..hassidic, whom i tried so hard to befriend, but htey are in so much post traumatic stress, i only send them love from the far reaches of our compound...little contact as it always ends up crazy upon moving in , they took over our driveway, in a hostile take over..its crazy they dont let anyone park in our communal driveway...if we forced it ( which we have done a few times) they make it so difficult to get in and out ..it is not worthit. and we know call it the gaza strip.. they trully are screaming bloody murder at each other,at least 4 nights aweek..so bad that when they first moved , in both G and i thought they were killing each other.naive wasps we are. thats how they COMMUNICATE...ive come to gather. my mom is still here in dna point. not doing very well...but i am totally avoiding it. i call once a day( she NEVER answers) and leave a message. i do not know what to do. i guess i should look into that pronto. i think the vandals played tonight, if im not mistaken , at the wiltern with puddle of mudd...what a weird combo -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/21/2005 07:56:00 PM ----- BODY: wow. E and ls are having a boy!!!!(baby,that is) john kelly will be the name. friday night and im frickin partying. in my yoga stuff still.( read:sweats) watching a mandy moore movie on HBO ( just finished watching Degrassi ..) i know im a little wack when i watch a mandy moore movie and the love scene where the dudes throwing rocks at ther window makes me a little emotional. im in need of some romance ..i ve never had the guy come out the dark and throw rocks at my window.. well at least not a guy i liked i guess if i dont go out i wont get to meet anyone to do that ,eh? the thing about going out here is it tends to be soooo lame for me. just danceclubs that change weekly in their IN factor.. .i sound pathetic..but i dont care cause i ve nothing in my life to lose in the romance "potential" dept. even. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/20/2005 01:50:00 PM ----- BODY: just had breakfast/lunch at swingers w/ dloh ..which was nice ..but just as we were leaving= fj called and d handed me the fone...i was all excited to say hi and trick him -as i havent seen him for a long long time... but it seems he doesnt care much for me anymore. not happy to hear m eon phone one bit. it makes me feel awful. i think , from his tone he hates me,and the worst part, for me, is that i havent any idea why. shit, its really upsetting me.i dont often understand people..or their motives..but usually when someone is that adverse after being so fun..i ll at least have an inkling as to why . .i dont think i like being me right now oh shit, i fucking hate this feeling. especially when it someone i think is so rad and fun? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/20/2005 01:09:00 PM ----- BODY: oh yeah..weird part..driving home, kroq is on,,,and they playing this goofy song , that i thought was primus for a minute...but guess who?f's band..that i have NEVR ever heard on the radio. not once. the universe is weird. and im over all of it. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/19/2005 09:01:00 PM ----- BODY: funny day. work .heat and lack of sleep conspired to *SURPRISINGLY* NICE DAY. now i must eat. fuck -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/19/2005 08:48:00 AM ----- BODY: im late !!!!!!!!!!!!!! -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/19/2005 08:29:00 AM ----- BODY: new links and shit today. keep coming back( haha) on that not..i went to the LC for the first timei nyears yesterdauy- gave eduardo a cake for 4 yrs. he anounced lynnn and hes pregnancy, and that he may even marry her.... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/17/2005 02:07:00 PM ----- BODY: so maria is here scouring out the spiders and mould i have accumulated over the terrential downpour season ,( as apposed to rainy ) havent heard hide nor hair of mom.shitty. yesterday was interesting/cool. jken had a brunch for jp 's bday here ....random nice interesting. i was alittle worse for the wear at the start though; ..jken called as i was getting up from from about 30 mins of lite sleep...remember?i was up fixxing my PBook alll night i bet i looked cute when the odd assortment of jp's LosAngeles crew of( JP doesnt live here, hes from the NorthEast) friends/fam from varying tours arrived..No biggy really if it had been only these...a and d , dcr and his fnew friend ee and t( who , i found out live in the same building the BLACK DAHLIA lived in....) how freaking cool. kit wes....jk a dloh and ..*chris s. how weird to me .. INTERUPT THIS POST FOR STORY REFFERAL *the boy from 2 falls ago, who was j's guitar tech..and at some point during beg. of tour?or reheasals..i decided was sk8tr cute...i then mention it on IM while they ar e away ..and jk tells me to come out ...i do..TO minneapolis...indianna, i think? mid west , regardless in winter...and he(chris cute guitar tech) never said one word to me.from the moment i arrived to the day i departed..not hi even. (someting about the boss of you on tour telling you to like some girl hes bff with, and ..well...i guess thats prolly kinda weird)..But...as the worldturnsout..... i ended up having the best trip, i think becuase , we were in such little earnest towns. candaina-ish. no one else was out visiting, so i got to do the passes for tf and stuff. of course my fake pretend boyfriend was there too(jfr)...so it was fun. Eversince this tripout i was always awkwartd and felt silly around chris s...i only saw him at their shows ..maybe 4 more times.but to see him walk in to my living room, after i was up fixing the computer all night, expecting no former present or future crushes to arrive at all.....hmm. well i ll just say this thank J H christuffewr that i now just think he sweet. not cute to me* eEND OF REF STORY but... someone was cute to me yesterday...weird strange new crush on someone maybe? i m not telling anyone ; because they either get so happy im liking someone that they overdue the PUSH.(see above).ahem..or they'll shoot it down HARD -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/17/2005 05:03:00 AM ----- BODY: what astrange day. life actually. friday up at jk's backing shit up , got home , turned on pb. ....turned on.. uh......nuthing. grey screem apple icon and brken circle spinning...did all /every keystroke startup would boot in target DM on the g5..so i was lucky to get th eweek swork . but i didnt ge tit up and running till this am. disk mode startup on the g5.then chose system startup and chose 10.3.6 on the pb..i hoped. then shutdown g5(while still hooked to pb)then put the pb down..sat for 2,6 minutes...thought good thougts .started with C pressed. and...grey ..screen....then i decided to pee and leave the room to give them ( the macs) some privacy...and VOILA...i am a genius( intuitive, anyway) it was the eautiful blue mac login window...yeah. funny though, all my scouring through apple support and so many with the same issue..yet i havent heard a word from apple. either onthe forums or via email. they reallyare slipping..i dont care what anyone says in their ( apple 's) defense..thye are no longer focused on the developer/designer..it the ipod user first last and everthing,..........damn. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/16/2005 07:29:00 AM ----- BODY: nnnn -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/16/2005 07:14:00 AM ----- BODY: g4 has been on the fritz since friday night...so i spaent 2 days scouring sites on the g5 looking looking for fixes causes etc.. ( i had previously been at jk's setting up stuff for him..,only thing i did on my machine was burn a dvd..which didnt werk..) any way i found many simialr complaints no fixes. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/14/2005 12:39:00 AM ----- BODY: i feel like i am becoming invisible. i have checked my phone ringer settings. i have just done an extensive email settings overhaul ( neede to do because of entourage/mail switch-aroo) eery. i know itll all start ringing and pinging again soon eenough, and ill get all hatefull . BUT, it feels weird and i feel lonely. ohhh poor me. and i saw A MOVIE IN A THEATRE today...yes, thats right allison leah creelman went and not only saw a movie, but got there early bought tickets and persuaded a few of her remaining friends( although after film this status may have changed) into going. went to graumanns chinese to see WHITE Noise. best part: it was shot in vancouver, with great scenes of vancouver. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/13/2005 02:42:00 AM ----- BODY: *openopenopenopen* i feel so odd. Currently playing in iTunes: A Fistfull of Dollars(Clint Eastwood Western) by Ennio Morricone .best la quote ive read: "It's sort of like when Dorothy wakes up in The Wizard of Oz. It seems really glossy and beautiful, but somehow, it's almost a little too, like, too nice, in a weird way." On living in Los Angeles, Kate Bosworth -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/11/2005 08:17:00 AM ----- BODY: im completely thrown . i feel like i got sucked into an anxiety vacuum(?) and i have lost all my good thoughts. i was very grumpy w/mw last night. it just pisses me off when i feel like this and i dont know how to express it to anyone.i guess i sorta expect him to get it. or something. but, then dloh lightened the load, by taking me for thai food and entertaining me with stories from vegas, where he was at the porn (A.V.N) awards then stayed an extra day to go to vince surgery guy from motley crues wedding. how perfectly rawkstar...the stories were sooo funny to me. just dloh tlee( whom he had leave me a msg ...) and nicky sixx...Yet d doesnt quite get a grip on his pull in that group. he's like "i dont know why they all talked to me' he REALLY doesnt understand . its charming. so other than that side swipe, i m in extreme LA lifestyle reflection. Got xmas presents from jk yesterday. best presents i got all year FER SURE -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/10/2005 06:02:00 AM ----- BODY: helmi is smelling bad. cant sleep he smells like wet dawg. but damn he is cute. i think ill take him out for a pee etc. then get up and go to cb.hmmmm -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/10/2005 04:37:00 AM ----- BODY: laurel canyon is flooding BIGTImE ..came to dloh s earlier- as hes still in vegas at the AVN ( porn) awards. he said for my help with fending off potentional flooding at his house, he d have nickki sixx or robin leach leave messages for my outgoing machine. AWESOME>they were all at vince neills wedding today in vegas..which MC hammer performed-as the minister- life is funny went to meet t.fox( intown till tomorrow) and jk and a. fun nice. then to check on the dawgs. then to spazmatics, then back to dlohs. letting d.lamma sleep on the bed with me..hmm he keeps pushing me off. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/08/2005 01:47:00 PM ----- BODY: im so spun with my little world of over talking and hollywood dumbness; how come i live here ? i must recall my priorities -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/08/2005 01:29:00 AM ----- BODY: im here with d. talking about girl stuf. mean girls . we arent, but we have been deluged with them. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/06/2005 06:45:00 AM ----- BODY: im spending wayyyyyyy too much time on CSS not enuff perusing myspizznit friendster for boys i best snap the hell out of it -------- TITLE: i think i think i think too AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/06/2005 06:13:00 AM ----- BODY: much. insomnia, not bad..just periphial worriy and anxiety that is prolly slowly ( or not so slo these last few years..) eating away at my tummy lining..or clustering to form some appendage sized tumour. hi! Gd morning. nice talk allison. sorry. news style update: ( for my stock taking sanity) im stuck in my head. mom is still in oc. dlohs home. he and jk r friends again. thankGd. jk n elfber r enroute back from the vineyrad today. murph has bad flu. mom is drunk. something shady ,it feels like, is going on with my former partners in crime. 30 percent of my anxiety is probably stemming from their odd behaviourz. i m lonely right now. not in a needy want be around people all the time annoying way. just very underslept and overthought..i trully , for the first time in a long long time, feel like i would like to be getting to know some kickass guy. i mean I KNOW lots of kickass guys...more than most ..But im little sister to all and none of them appeal to me at all..and i never get introduced to any of their kewl friends..cause its awkward being friends w/a girl f,i guess, if your a hollywood pimp like them. and the only other girls you know are dancers and mactress‘s.“LA MODELS’ Its funny the guys that actually are those id like to‘ know‘ahem..perhaps..bibliclly..( we’ll refer to this goup as ‘theSexmen” ) would probably be the best targets to use my-close an personal ree.lay.shawn.shippz with all those aforementioned brotherly types who ’ll now be known as ’thefamilymen‘-) i, but , as it stands...they all meet at a strip club sum night ( -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/03/2005 06:07:00 AM ----- BODY: i dunno if i like it, but im bored and lacking in creativity. so wha is a new way of looking at my life that wont bum me out? without comparing to other places things situations. i need to change some area an di think a blog template, although a change, is not the place im looking for .. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/03/2005 04:02:00 AM ----- BODY: my best link picks of 2004: my fav kewl sites etc: newstoday MASSIVE CHANGE free downloads blue vertigo photos 4 free helpfulness see all ur fonts killer make-it-yourself-resourse -------- TITLE: free amazon AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/03/2005 04:01:00 AM ----- BODY: amazon secrets -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/02/2005 10:36:00 PM ----- BODY: slept through newyears..how lucky. mom is down in san clemente, have to go get her. its pissing rain here, still. had a fun evening , the night before newyears , with vDf and d. still havent talked to patrick ,really. the second i did speak to him ( he was in a mtg) he sounded so sad) hope to speak to him soon. going to go to dfly this eve, see the spazmatics for the first time in a while.. mtg aJames. fun. sorta loungy right now- had a super long talk w/ al this eve, made em feel better. -------- TITLE: jesus fish AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/29/2004 09:35:00 AM ----- BODY: how eerie these last few days have been ,dont know if im correct in saying this..but it felt straight outta tha bible..if i knew what was in there...*** DISCLAIMER grew up w/liberal psuedo hippy parents.....my last biblical/ religious learning foray was my first communion(catholic) at age 6-
I use it as a cultural(?) reference...not an official quote or anything... i digress...So,the wierd eerie tone of the past few days..was set when i flew to vegas with mom et kel and cs(?more on this addition to the vegas xmas group, later)-on xmas eve. OH! and mom got lit before we flew...nice touch.i will post xmas in vegas at some point...but now i need to get more recent shit out... eerie biblical refrence point 1) flight home from vegas..we're about to land ..and we hit the knarliest storm ( that is still here now)..it was really crazy. i got scared for the first time , in a plane..we were banking and dipping like we were in a cessna. fucking scary...seeing we were in a boeing airbus.. i was sitting with an iranian doctor who kept us all calm ..-me by lecturing me on smoking.. as i the plane dips and drops and the fucking pilot sounds scared.....anyway we landed safe-after an extra hour in the air...d picked me up... ever since it has been terrential-Vancouver-style-rain w/ crazy thunder and lightning. ex)A.1 my cable power heat and internet all out till this morning. Ex.B) snow in texas. real, stay on the ground snow..( verified cause dloh got stranded in austin enroute to his moms in corpus..)all weird. BUT nothing in life could have prepared me for ex)c thisis a hollywood movie.feelings are similar , for me , as when 911 happened. just as baffling to me. the postings ive read and the footage i have seen over the last 48 hours. people looking for relatives online..who were in thailand/indonesia/mynamar india...kraby and phuket. phi phi pranang surit thani..Gawd , i didnt believe it at first, i thought mom was being dramatic ...i m so glad sim and d are in toronto. fuck. mom got home from pakistan a week ago. patrick s in hk ( he was somewhere last week when mom flew thru.pretty sure it was thlnd) sim was born and raised in kraby town. deirdre* lived there for soo long..i have such a funny feeling n my tummy thinking about that place.. Last time i was there it was riddled in kids ... its all really bad.. rayleigh s probably gone. i dont know what to do to be of service..i dont have money..but im going to call sim and see what he thinks is the best route of helping..then i ll post. On the human being front -its scary and sad and devastating. too much to take in.-its almost a leveling of human mind going on , by force . nothing can matter but making sure everyones allright.and taking care of those that arent. it our basic instinct. bagdhad and all the shit that makes nosense to me..around me us you etc all these incidents..nature and intentional ..the consequences..the destruction..the kids ..little little kids in baghdad eating hotdogs getting blownup, it feels likea biblical tale some fire&brimstone preacher tells little kids will happen if they are bad or gay or something.... brutal. i dont want to leave my house. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/26/2004 05:01:00 AM ----- BODY: vegas puts my body in a weird state; i am very anxiety riddled.. yet about nuthing at all..(except perhaps , mom)has 'happened' yet,i constantly feel as though i am on the verge of some ...thing....?an idea ? a boy? ..great party? /creative burst? ...... something...but the reality seems to be that i just want to get to the gambling..All the anxiety seems to stem from competitve emotions that are tri.ggered shsss. guess all it means is:i love winning,,,i never thought i did ,,,but the feeling of winning against all odds..i feel like i am ....invincable..ish -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/25/2004 04:54:00 PM ----- BODY: its christmas day. im in vegas. again. kinda fun.sad.eerie/meloncholly creepy but good. mom kelly are across the hall..we are staying at TheHotel flew out last night , after minor emotional family drama, cs (rNDOMLY)CAME WITH US. THAT WAS FUN. he flew back this afternoon to tend to his dog. did a little stocking ceremony at lunchtime. last night we went gambling - both c and i won . (he on much LARGER Stakes...) i won 480 on 50 cent slots at hardrock. and bluffed /brokeeven on poker table he played craps.. kel roulllet im sorta anxious right now. not sure what about. need to settle. lots of free floating fears..always when i m around m. Mom is living in san clemente now. i guess.. that swhat she told me, anyhow. pretty cool, as she ll be close but not at my house. and i have a beach escapre. ipod wont work..and im not in the mode to figure out why. the evening is approaching..will write more soon. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/23/2004 04:23:00 AM ----- BODY:

how the hell am i

-------- TITLE: in canada AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/20/2004 10:20:00 AM ----- BODY: still in vancouver- well a hotel room in vancouver.-about to venture outside to get coffee-m is still sleeping- something that totally eluded me last night. im not bummed-just anxious, i dont know what i expect here- nothing. but it seems my emotions expect something. how weird. i like being here- safe in a hotel ,with someone from home(la home) knowing i can leave at will..but i still want to see so many people. well not so many just some. im crazy . but happy. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/20/2004 04:51:00 AM ----- BODY: i am in vancouver. with morgan. staying at the opus (same place we stayed with APC last time) a little different trip, though. we flew up after a crazy weekend(for me_not him)friday eve went out w/ girls. long and convaluted-ish. felt very pissed off and like i let the good part sgo by being in a situation i did not want to be in OVER and OVER ..til th emorning. i know im being cryptic- but it wasnt that fun and the details dont matter- justthatit was mostly my own faultthat it wasnt fun ( for me) Anyway- slept saturday- met mj sunday- visit before i left as he i soff to arizona while im gone. only in canada till wednesday. then back home. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/17/2004 01:22:00 PM ----- BODY: although i have lots to say i have lame finger skills right now. i wish i could pour out tons of shit. in regards to missing dad reference yesterday: weird.. barnone..one of the hardest days i ve ever had with the issue of dad not being here i was working, scanning a whole bunch..and i thought id throw a few of my pics in the mix, one's i'd meant to scan forever , well ,i scanning away-when i hitthis one and it was bizerre. it scanned in so big and i could see my dads face and see how much i loved him even when i was that little, fuck fuck im balling again. this is nuts. i guess it has to do with how much we loved xmas. he and i were way more into it than mom and patrick or anyone else. we cut down the tree, put up the lights and chopped the wood. shit. i feel so lost now. i dont want it sound so hard and sappy. but i lost any tradition ( of the rockwellian sort) when dad died. fuck i mean im going to vegas for xmas. dad. if you read this, thanks for giving me such cool xmas spirit. id even go to m-ss in ur honor..if i was anywhere near the skiiers chapel..but instead ill play the slots -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/15/2004 06:12:00 PM ----- BODY: i miss my dad today. alot. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/15/2004 06:03:00 AM ----- BODY: darlin u got to let me know should i stay or should i go? supposed to go to whistler /vancouver this am w. MW. but feeling kinda iffy. ooh maybe ill miss something.(??) or i worried about being up there ? no biggy. get a hotel get over it.! -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/14/2004 08:21:00 PM ----- BODY: bbbbb -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/14/2004 07:52:00 PM ----- BODY: going crazy with work and leaving town .too close together and too much to do.sheeet. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/10/2004 05:24:00 AM ----- BODY: mercury in retrograde: cable went down for the first time in 4 years. all my cell fones wouldnt work. result: no communication for 2 days9everyone thought i was avoiding them) But:i bought a new (much needed) phone and modem. worked almost all night to make up for lost time. sad about lz. seems like each time i hearof someone od-ing, i am les and less emotional..just more still. if that makes sense? mom is safe and back in canada. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/07/2004 09:15:00 AM ----- BODY: sunday was superfun..alicious. me d hung w new friend . evryone seemdso happy. i luved it. till i got pissy w/ the meanypants bartender. he is very rude -oh well. all i n all great night. working since yesterday and now on my way out to work again goodtimes only blank spot: no crush zone-sunday eve crush is still there- just a faraway fun one. never going to speak etc. soo... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/05/2004 08:16:00 PM ----- BODY: thought my allergies were bad..tried to trick myself that at the bdb sale i was having allergies..but as it turned out on saturday -i was fluing again. not too bad,just snotty. strange events happened -not that they happened to me directly or that i even hangout w.those that did exp. these events...but thought alot about some friendships and how naive i am. girls, and the way we are taught to deal with each other , can end up being fucking mean . i feel fine and relieved that the obligations of certain friendships arent in my life. but i still feel sad and disappointed. but i am trying to not think too much.... Every 7 years, a friend said the other day in aemail, are when changes etc happen. the life cycles i guess. 7 years ago was dec 1997. living in "sober livingByTheSea' had been there since sept 4th. first time since i was at strathcona park lodge doing outdoor leadership, that i had structure in my life.' i liked it, i think, but i was getting restless. my mom and dad came down for xmas. they came the 25th, iwent to mammoth with john for a couple days then met them. it was weird and felt like they were visiting me at boardingschool or collegeor something. back to present day, joe_on_the_fone had a surprise bday for jessica last night..went. finally met dr's gf - she is dr's type(physically) to a T apparently she is quite jealous, in general, so i have been cut out completely..save for last month or so..as it seems he is trying to get out of this thing. fun cause i got to hang with rich, whom i always love visiting . he is married with a baby boy living in malibu . his wife is very interesting and i enjoy her alot-although she wasnt there lastnight, so i got alot of reminiscing and catchup time with richard roll. he's funny comparing his attitude to .. cO'n arived and annoyed me terribly with condescending concern. he is gay. he is the type that has always bugged me and i ve known this from my first visit with him. i just forgot as hes been in NY for so long.now i remeber. this sort of attitude is EXACTLY what has me out of the llop. so i guess im grateful. thanks cO'n tonight ,for a rare sunday night change in events: i'll be going to go to see the spazmaticks at DragonFly -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/03/2004 06:54:00 AM ----- BODY: most times i enjoy the super awesome silence at this hour. usually its my favorite time of day. but i am feeling like a girl who had too little sleep because the pilot light was out and the lock on the door is broken and i love my erly mornings and ilove excersisng right now..and because of aforementioned inconviences..i am freezing..exhausted and irratable that i have no energy to run my head chatter away.mutherfuck. oh yeah and i m anoyed that i too tired to write more than th enext few blurbs about how amazing my evening was lat night: this is monumental bizarro b called early about dinner latelate -very vague, about who etc..but i say yes yes yes.. she texts later.. 9.cobras i arrive late (yes,true) but they aren't even seated .. just standing at the bar. drinking a bottle of white wine. There's a friend of j's, whom i ve heard about forever , there- she seems .very nice ..i small talk with her...j and i do our banter with b playing in abit. then i awkwardly- but with some new found confidence- ask "so.. should i be getting a redbull or a glass?" j is NERVOUS and he straigtens his shoulders as he rolls into dad mode and saysquickly:" no.nope..i am not comfortable..yet. ok?".."ok?u understand?" scared ..BUT stern.. pleading,if u will. i say "i will respect your answer..but know iits essentially my descion- to respect you runreadiness.." and this is a LARGE moment for me...Cause in this relationship, i am the kid always..This was sassy and he starts trying to re-assert positions by immeadiatley asking"have u quit smoking ?" i tell him i ve had 4 or something..him: "i asked u if you quit..have u quit? 'no..i have had only.."..he cuts in//w/a smile an dthis quip: "ill accept your version of quit smoking if u accept my awkwardness ..and need for time before i see u drink." huh? everyones tentatively laughing at the nonsense? wisdom...? logic? what the hell... but i just look at the smirker and i say "yes" he laughs and i laugh .fer real. oc looks kinda scared like:which one is crazy? or pissed or are they laughing for real?and what the fuck is this about??? j says 'im not making sense', i said, " im agreeing ..cause i know better than to argue your backasswerds logic"everyone laughs.but a much lighter relaxed version ..feeling the pressure shifting ..dropping.. i continue.."because i may look and feel smug or correct NOW..but you somehow end up 'right.. always. so i say YES now to save the time" ..at this point the friend from oc is so confused. probably thinks we all have some sex bsdm thing or somehing. but we r all laughing..and i am feeling good. what looked like a power play moment was a way of j trying to protect his friendship with me-it was authentic & childlike protection.he was scared of losing this.just like i have been scared. i understand now, i feel VERY loved in this moment and the dinner was so nice and full and long . oh yeah...i almost forgot, as i went to order a coke..J told the guy to bring me a glass. we broke bread fer real tonight. i got to sit at the grownup table this evening. it was cool. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/30/2004 06:05:00 AM ----- BODY: somekind of wonderful rules -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/29/2004 03:46:00 PM ----- BODY: no nyc this wek. damn. its ok, there r lots of fun things to do, instead. last night i went to the spazatics with d. we got there really late but had fun. (as usual) looked for cuteboy, to introduce myself. didnt happen.. he disappears after the show. the hotty looked happy & hot.par usuale. lots of couples macking on the dancefloor..weird. morty was saggitaurus promoting. spider this eve with bw?-he just left after a full day of work ( full for he and i, at least) we always get side tracked but eventually everything will work out. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/25/2004 11:50:00 PM ----- BODY: talking about past shit with d, its soo odd to remember what it is i used to live for ( not heroin) travelling outside adventure fun new worlds i got sober in la and have stayed true to the stayed and true lifestyle of non adveturous-ness. its been good to me, but its now irked me into restlessness. i feel like an old part of myself woke up tonight. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/25/2004 10:48:00 PM ----- BODY: nyc with dkp is done. we r going to get out of here and go to where the boyz r the really cute fun sexy artfaG types are. ie; the ones that luv us r happy fuckin thangsgiving we r listening to marianne faithfull on da couch makin plans beware -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/23/2004 06:43:00 PM ----- BODY: yep its all a lie proof is all around me. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/20/2004 06:29:00 PM ----- BODY: in vegas for opening thingy 40 deuce -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/18/2004 10:48:00 PM ----- BODY: mw and i spent the evening being dumbasses. truly. cumulated in skateboarding for rootbearfloats. had a nice visit with dr today- hadnt seen him in months - he came by picked me up went to the jewbean. seems tortured though. it breaks my heart for him. see? another pieceof evidence to add proof to my ever growing arsenal that relationships suck and romantic love is a lie so there -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/17/2004 08:51:00 PM ----- BODY: since coming back from canyon this am, i havent left the g-damn screen. feel like i should go out for a walk or sumthing, just to get away fom computer. guess im going away this weekend. some party in vegas. flying out on satrday back sunday am. its free so i cant complain! and we're being styled out. i feel weird about alot of things right now. but i not bad bad weird, just thinking about people and stuff , as i decipher the best way to designinfo layout .. bo-r-i-n-g. also watching dr doolittle. i miss britishcolumbia when i see bears and mountains (presently in dr.dolittle ) its so funny how none of my friends here even know that as a kid we got picked up from school during 'bear season' when we lived in whistler-I dont think theyd believe me. i never cared about these things when i lived there..now (in my mind) i feel like ms.grzzly.adams, because of it. in my mind, mind you. i still get a little tripped out when it gets dark and im above hollywood blvd. ha mom called from pakistan again. couldnt hear a fucking word. hope she's staying sober -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/16/2004 08:01:00 AM ----- BODY: its 8:02 ;i've run and now im sitting in awesome-ness that is my living room . ..i took all the shit(clutter) out ,over the last few weeks and finally it seems to be where i need it to be. rug that dloh got me rules sooo much. i will never underestimate the design eye of dannylohner again. now i must figure out if im moving the office or not. hmmmm i like my life in this moment very much. nothing but fun desicions running makes me euphoric a bit, i think. i know..i just forgot. its a good euphoria though. i ve got my notes and cameras and pb all spread before me with awesome mixes from L.c playing.. perhaps i may have some caffeine now.crazy -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/15/2004 01:57:00 PM ----- BODY: everything is so beautiful this morning. long run felt soo good. getting back on cycle with running. fin-a-fuck-ingly a came to visit she is very down. so rather than work and bum out, i got out of myself and listened. m took her to her doctor, she was soo bummed now maria is here and i m preparing for new clients. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/15/2004 02:24:00 AM ----- BODY: went to the spazmatics show this evening few errors in judgement were made on my part note to self: do not bring drunk friends places u want to have fun i spent more than half the evening doing damage control: ie:apologizing for all the elbowing and general assinine behaviour im so embarassed for them. everyone should leave there shit at home if coming to this show..or anywhere for that matter despite it all..i had great time dancing etc. spazmatics sounded particularilly good this eve and k/m was cute as ever. i was even getting courage to approach but didnt due to drunk assholes having drama -saw him walk in, though u r way way cuter in 'normal' clothes than i could have hoped. this is frustrating. i dont know.... i guess ill have unrequited crush from afar forever . cannot get over the atrocity of of drunk assholes with me.ugh. i actually felt like crying or punching something when i left.i will go alone next time. i cant get a grip on how people can act so horribly . its heart breaking and annoying. i dont ever want to deal with this again. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/12/2004 10:05:00 PM ----- BODY: so of the fridaynight wish list: i have: walked...but not imlessly; ordered and eaten indian food had far too many phone calls of the annoying vs. "whats up?"rambleramblerambleramble mostly werk related. its friday leave me alone -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/12/2004 08:37:00 PM ----- BODY: friday night in my mind: no phone calls or tv walk in cold aimlessly home order indian food bath chill sleep -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/12/2004 07:55:00 PM ----- BODY: ok is this werking? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/12/2004 07:08:00 PM ----- BODY: cant quite -------- TITLE: whatever AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/12/2004 07:00:00 PM ----- BODY: why wont this publish ?? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/12/2004 06:38:00 PM ----- BODY: this dark early thing is fucking me up..i keep thinking it must be soooo late. but its only5 30 c is working for me for the week. thats great. dl bought me an amazing huge rug yesterday. running again. i cant take breaks from running like that. screws my old body mind up. its hard but im trying to do early am runs to start day off properly ( and fend off later day excuses to not go..) -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/07/2004 05:36:00 AM ----- BODY: everythings different and the same dragonfly last night. seemed rather testosterone heavy..not in a good way. slimy drunk guys interrupting dance time drunk dumb asses bug me to the nth degree. they are so unaware of personal space i dont think i got one full song worth of dancing without having to move or being shoved or some dude grinning and touching trying to 'dance' with me. yuck. allison j. celebrated her 'virginity' loss anniversary? albeit a dubious celebration she got the killer present: the singer madeout w/ her(onstage)..luckyduck still confused as to emails i received. sorta feel like im on a reality show and i made it into the final round you or not you?- sent a reply this afternoon..which i responded to. we'll see. gd hes sexy this is a public service announcement for my crush if u r the real deal, umm.. (and u read this..) .first) this is seriously embarressing-but funny second) email me again,tell me about the other parts ofyour life ( as u can readmine here..) third) due to serious shyness perhaps u could introduce yourself to me..? fourth) if ur not who u say u r..or u r and are oherwise occupied: nevermind carryon...etc. ok-if nothing else i have a funny story to relay of interconnectedness online crush there. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/07/2004 01:37:00 AM ----- BODY: trying to figure out oo much stuff..last night was unreal. what a trip. chateau twiglight zone such an odd mix-for my brain evrything is strange at present- breakfast w/dloh..he was so happy and in such a grat mood- it made me happy. same w/ jk yesterday miss jk quite abit these days; cyclilic(sp?) spans g is such a good sport its unreal-although i get annoyed easily i am just so usedto being alone and not having to account for another- good break for my pattern. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/25/2004 02:28:00 AM ----- BODY: spazmatics again . mj came , he loved it. so did tommy , but he left pretty quick- had an awesome visit with him, though. hes awe-sum the lead singer is a stud. he was macking on and being macked on all over the place. ahh well. such is the path of the rockstar..i dont know what sort of crack smoking delusional hypno spell i put myself under, fantasizing about nerd-cover-band-singer-dude, whom i thought was cute DESPITE the glaring facts : the whole "nerd" gear is part of an act, pornstars love the band and populate shows ..some undoubtably offer favours?AND ive never talked to?nor seen the guy out of costume. -not to mention that i , of all people know what rockstars are 'afforded' once they have groupies- and these guys have em. what fun they are though. ill nurse my self out of this heartbreak to go see them again...that im sure of. Well,at least im back in the crush market and not still shutdown completely anymore. got to find new crushes. anyone want to promote me - feel free. or pass on ideas for crushes..i m a retard in this arena. for real. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/24/2004 02:48:00 PM ----- BODY: almost died on friday night. fer real..no exaggeration. dia and i were curious as to why so many cops were speeding(siren-less) by...So we decide to 'follow' dumb move we cut a block below them to delongpre.thinking we can 'see' whats going on , up on hollywood from there. duh. we run right into the cause of the cop brigade: Huge guy comes flying (running) towards us..he hesitates when he sees us and goes in his pants to pullo ut his gun. and starts angling towards us...as if to get in the car. holy shit..i dont even really remember much of this..but i know i was trying desperatley to lock the doors(?) cept i just kept rolling down and up the windows and UNlocking the doors( ne w car..) then the police were behind and infront and aabove (chopper) and the 'fugitive' (or perp?) takes off - away from us.. then there is the screaming cops and we are frozen and inch forward and there is some big standoff to our right with more guys and guns drawn and i dont know what to do..one cop is screaming for us to get out of there..but there is no where to go till one guy see us and helps us back onto hollywood..and it was over. woah. -------- TITLE: spazmatics AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/18/2004 06:29:00 AM ----- BODY: spazmatics this eve . duwde.they are so awesome..i think by my next statement i am officially proving the theory:"doesnt matter what he looks like..if he is in a band..chicks dig him" the singer is hot. flood pants to the upper belly neckbrace sex gawd. i would luv to makeout with him ( not onstage), ... if you know me...this is a bold statement . im very secretive and picky about who i like..which is usually no-one or someone ill never meet etc... mostly because this one time : i dated someone; it was a long long time ago- but i can never forget what it felt like to realize it was all a lie.yuck. awful. i believe people to easily- but im sick of being 'safe' so im looking for a few good crushes..seems safe to start with this geeky one. he must be straight ...no way he could emit that much hetro- hotness through that gear..probably has a girlfriend. oh shit what do i know. well i know 1 thing: i do NOT know him, yet. watch out hot geek -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/17/2004 03:53:00 AM ----- BODY: drove out 2 zuma early am. beautiful drive up the back route through the canyon... felt sureal.then beach side down. went to d's soccer game -guess who was there?jk nice surprise!! its so funny how you forget how much u misss people till re-united. what does that mean? anyway..then dealt with volvo stuff...OH YEAH i bought(almost....part down) a new xcv70 yippee... navy out/'taupe' in leath-ah ..woohoo then home little down time till headed over to the doggielamma's :from here, dloh and i drove out to redlands(?) university to see the used...we had a fun drive out.he drove my white rental pacifica...we get along much better when i dont drive. bought cds listened to the cure (formerly known as:the queer) amongst others..then drove around campus looking for the shoew. so college-ish-y weird not familiar.met brandons girlfriend -who GAVE me shwag...very cool. shirts are fuckin funny..especially to me: bert is my homeboy in same style etc as tm. the used rule by the way. -------- TITLE: hockey night in hollywood AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/07/2004 03:01:00 PM ----- BODY: RE-EDITwednesday night dp and i went to 'the untitled jc' premiere at the silent movie theatre;awesome spot for parties premieres btw.great turnot and everyone seemed to love it. way to go jeff afterwards( and a quick nie ab visit) ran out to my house- shot the shit.nice. then went to the avalon to see the hip (thats the tragically hip-for noncanadians) got there typical d and a style- hours late so that although on the list, we were not allowed in- they had 'shutdown' .....but,shady as i am at times.. i faked almost crying so well....that the guy at the door snuck us in. i cant believ i wasnt even going to go to this.....sweet dp set it up with df and got me there- she was excited to see the U2 of canada. dude. as we walked in - i had a birds eye view straight to gord downie -in his buttondwn shirt red bandana -doing his unique shuffly dance around to 'neworleans is sinkin' fuck'in'eh. saw two leafs jersey's within 3 seconds of entering. was so moved by the crowd and the performance. flet so canadian in a good(gay) way. - all the stuff he sings about is what i feared never escaping- public radio -primeministers-englishness-cold -damp static memories- CBC intro music - 'as it happens' , memories of winter nights : my mom making tofu stirfry ,listening to barbara frum loud-as we set the table and begged silently to watch tv...differnt strokes,3's company..anything- rainy damp nights waiting for dad to come home so we could have him turn on the tv-only to realize it was saturday-not loveboat for us:it's hockey night in canada- don cherry-so depressing- i wanted palmtrees skateboarding boys with tans and flippy white blonde hair.with names like todd-(morgan?) none of these ski jacketed-stick yeilding -dull brown pastywhite canadian boys named gord or pierre,who smoked pot between hockey and soccer. and listened to rush and iron maiden.ugh. now i have a pit in my stomach... But last night was a trip because it was like being at a reunion with a select few kids who got out. everyone was reveling in each crtcmention of 'our parents prime minister" late breaking story on the CBC" dia was fascinated. she asked 'is this what a hockey game is like?" and all the boys in bball caps and button down over a tshirt all cannadian getting drunk on beer and feeling the power of gords words& voice and the bands canadian awesome-ness. we are the wheat kings and pretty things... i had the shivers 309 times. and was randomly talking to people about it as though we all went to high school together. it was hockey night at the avalon. fuckin eh -------- TITLE: friday's car AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/01/2004 08:55:00 AM ----- BODY: i am renting a car again.unreal. this is un believable almost.i have not been able to buy a car with cash in hand good( well...maybe not good perse;but not bad ) dossier of all my accounts.funds i receive bills i pay...etc etc everyone i know willing to cosign . it all boils down o the canasdian thing its not transferrable to be canadian. jeezuz christ. i cant believe i am shelling out more cash for temporary shit . AGAIN. i feel like crying. ok ok think good thoughts... sunday night ms took me to air w/ the la phil. it was awesome, despite my unmotivated state prior to going. stereolab-first( i was theonly one to enjoy them...she is actually quite annoying- in a natalie merchant sort of way. but air with the raddest drummer i have ever seen(jf excluded..;) ) he was so stylie like. lots of weird run-ins there that night-tim c. calling me by the awful apc moniker...he is funny that guy. craig (from tool)was the tour manager, i think the guitar tech was matt, if im not mistaken( from apc tour) pete &t were there,as was ms.r. so weird to go to a show like that and feel all anonymous and see groups of people from yor life you would NOT expect there. rambling to kill angst now. its working. went out to the new"guys' on wed. lf nin,and a fun-ish. cept lf's most recent ex showed up so she was setback . wen tto dloh's after w/ a. took him treats saw the doggielamma going to fucking well buy a car today. fuck fuck fuck ok oh yeah work is petering out. kinda stressed about that. universe mantras today: i have an amazing new car and lots of awesome fun jobs. thankyou and good morning.

-------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/17/2004 09:46:00 PM ----- BODY: friday nights are weird and have always been, i guess. it always feels different. like anticipation..something MIGHT happen..cause anything can happen.or dread...youknow whats up /going on..but you will not be attaending..so you cant wait for the day/eve to be over. im not really either place. hmm..lets see paris's bday at spyder? ornice mix. home listening to peter gabriel and massive attack and koolkeith.organizing my files, trying to finish a few jobs and write letters to those that owe me major monies. i figure i ve tried the email..phone route- this might be ok. seem more official. dl's last night was funny. brought ur up there..she is so confidant its bizarre. even tell-it-like-it-is was disarmed ..funny. i didnt realize how much i missed helmi etc till this week. i can never go this long w/out seeing the dawgs. nute kills me.look at him!? ok i think i need to go over andd see them best line right now: words they climb all over u..till they uncover you. (from'love2bloved'{?})-S.Peter Gabriel) -------- TITLE: linux anyone? AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/13/2004 05:28:00 AM ----- BODY: i m having a *sugarmountain moment ..(dont get it? get edumacated here, and then heredont come back till u do get it.. k so i ve been debating/desperatley needing a new desktop..its long overdue (prsent:g4 sawtooth AGP circa 2000) ive stuffed memory to the max and its worked soo well for 5yrs..but going from my pb to it ,to do anything other than grab files feels so tedious and slow....Anyway..i m perusing sites looking for ideas....new machine or upgrade hd ? as i go through my apple seller bookmarks and am pricing options..i hit a site (no names-must protect those still innocent) with a cute applelovers vibe.and i feel all safe and muse over how nice it is to be macbased and have these lil mom n pop shops who dont sell you bad memory etc they're just nice creative geeks up in vermont or the like...just like you in their mac loyalty/love....when i suddenly hit the wrong link..and get the exact same page... 'cept its the PC version..selling youthe same pc based gear written with the same m+p vibe.. then it floods me.. the last 9 mnths of frustration disillusionment and ultimate heartbreak..apple sold out. my apple..the apple II makers.. who caused me to beg my way 2 computercamp in 1984... ..that i do what i do because of...they who i have invested all my money in....they whom i always fiercely defended and have converted so many non belivers to.... think different? im starting to they are betraying us..they are becoming the enemy..the safety net that we are special and different and a small *slightly smarter creative* group..all in this together.. if something bad happens....they will be there. uh-uh how about the support site. a fucking joke. my first hint of dissilluisionment? when i bought my latest pb i was a little embarrased by the .mac sales drive was just that..a little embarrasing ..like;oooh apple are u really trying to push 100 dollar 'membership' for a 15 mb email account and a tiny piece of timeshare on a server that you control? i just justified it with: 'well...its a way for the kids to make some money to perfect some more cool stuff ...' nope the upgrade disasters are one thing..i trully am ok with bugs occuring...i actually used to revel in those first stages of stuff..knowing they loved us and trusted us to shaare our exps so they could be working on fix asap. nope..not anymore. they ignore me, persistent crap issues ? ..posts to forums on their PAID support site? .. they just silently ignore drop 3400 in their store..figure out the printer u got doesnt work? go back.( the same day) not our problem.call the maunfacturer. nice. did you go to billgates charm school ? apple is away from their desk right now.. too busy churning out new shit for the ipods better faster more more more next -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/11/2004 07:31:00 PM ----- BODY: d mom me drive to van nuys to hit the car dealerships this afternoon. these guys were wetting their pants picture this: drive in in a huge expensve gross polluter of an suv..d and i both in denim miniskirts(planned-Nawt! ;actually only realized this upon reflection right now..) d and i all focused and syched slinging words and q's referring to 'cap costa' and buy out price'..which we'd leared on the drive over. ..m with waspy bling look in full :linen 'slouchy-suit' luisvuitton bag and polite canadian inquisitivnes...yet disinterested enuff to cause george and his nigerian peers to think they had a mommy ready to write a check for whatever was gonna get her overaged brats out of the big-car-talk mode.(.in vannuys on sept 11 at 5pm of the hottest day of the year.) who wrote this shit ?the script im living in.if nothing else, as i ve mentioned before..i can be a little existential on here and observe the absurdity...of my life. to top it all offf we decided to go buy (not a spelling er billiondollahbabes sale. i had succeeded in forgetting about this all weekend( it started thursday eve , i think? but Nope...all of a sudden we r at the palladium and rifeling thru crazy shit...awesome overwhelming...not prepared at all.. walked around picking out things that were nessacary to my grossly unessacary unfilled consumer side. Best save of the week: ex boyfriend was there..first person i saw...and it distracted me enough to do without getting manic about clothes fix. he looked really good..happy relaxed sweet. it was the nicest feeling to be in that banter of charged familiarness that only ex's bring up. he seems trully happy. right on. i forgot what i like in life..what im passionate about. lately,spent time thinking about some boyss and my relationship with them and seeing how it might be effecting my world and who enters...without malintent...but maybe hindering me nonetheless. i always think im going to end up with booby prize..in the frienddept life dept .not consioscly think it...but its intrinsic i act as if i am not even in the running. synchronsatic neil appears again.. who the fuck were the eels and where r they now and how come i didnt get to see them. this guy his lyrics voice affect me same way neil did in highschool.meloncholly-ish his slant is the positive thing bright side looker..like me. love him. must go online see if he plays anywhere ever -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/02/2004 06:42:00 AM ----- BODY: this car thing is unbelievable. i am SURE of the mercury retrograde rumour,now...the one that says all vehicular and communication channels are hooped during. i must be xtra seeing asx i am gemini and virgo both ruled by mercury. another thing..m mentioned this eve..he's sure iwould have been killed in the truck -had i been ABLE to drive itthe last few weeks..just no way there isnt some force closing off all avenues that would lead to truck being driveable. no shit. dmv 4 times. police station..3 times. tow lot ...3 times. woah. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/24/2004 07:41:00 AM ----- BODY: feel so odd..sleeping days..up nights. not bad odd..just not centered. some car drama...truck was towed from jk's -FUCKERzzzzz,i definetly have bad energy in this area. stolen 4runner on 30th bday.(uninsured0 no car for a year- volvo ...truck...no reg...lots of hassle. now this. oh..and a boot on the truck last fall. jeezuz i will buy a new car next week, or if i dont do it..il buy one september after august craziness. changed the site for the blog. wonder how this will work out. must go reconfigure from media temple to dreamhost now. fixed dloh's laptop tonight...dint leave till 6am..was going to sleep there but had ms's car...so i felt worried -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/16/2004 05:47:00 AM ----- BODY: -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/28/2004 09:32:00 AM ----- BODY: trying to figure out if i remember how this publishing shit werks. getting over the strepthroat..oh mahgawd my mouth tastes like dog shit. cipro antibiotics...hmm. knarly. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/28/2004 08:58:00 AM ----- BODY: trying to get back into writing in here- things in my life feel awfully weird; lots of relationships that i had marked a 'solid' nhave fallen to the wayside. felt sad etc etc. now just observant. i hem and haw about writing in here, because im never sure who actally will read..so its sort of a gamble as to how honest and detailed i can get. regardless..not much in the way of my life, the world is going off though. have a renewed interest in politics and the way the americans interupttheir own. its bizarre. aside from the 2 m's in my life, evryone elseseems pretty washed and taken nother one for the canadian education or more so..the cbc and unbiased journalism. thankyou. i turned 33 a few weeks ago. woah. christ age. pretty lonely event. went to vegas to see band. came home early.turned 6lastt week. double woah. dont care for much of any of this . lots of work, which i do like. learning more. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/16/2004 05:22:00 AM ----- BODY: ive got a lot alot alot to learn. ive decided to write in here again because it may be my only form of perpsective to come. blah periods abounded throught winter/spring. shifts seems to be coming though. having a sleepover this eve and am hiding downstairs so i can write out my insane thoughts. mom is visiting. ah-hah. issue number one. living situation has become chaotic and not peaceful. beacuse of my angst, i think. need a huge change.lift up from here mentally or someting. some sort of shift in paradigm. the things i worry about are lame. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/31/2004 05:57:00 AM ----- BODY: so fucking cool. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/24/2004 11:09:00 PM ----- BODY: went and heard ie speak with my husband and lel nice-then to 101 and now see ing the puppie -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/24/2004 06:22:00 PM ----- BODY: seeing as i never write anymore- here seems like a good start. everything is confusing and overwhelming right now- had a nice visit with ie and ls. they took me for lunch. then gk came over for a visit. slept at dloh last night with the puppie. and doggie lamma he redecorated my house last nigt. now that i have painted the livivng room i am soo into decorating things and organizing. gotta go to th ebig house and feed the animals now. then out tonight i guess. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/11/2004 06:45:00 PM ----- BODY: try ing to get this shit up frustration....... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/08/2004 04:29:00 PM ----- BODY: such a funny holiday. went to l's for xmas eve with sally and mom and kel ms gk etc. very nice very christmassy. lots of food and bing crosby. felt family-ish. feel a little sad-but not too bad. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/22/2003 01:44:00 AM ----- BODY: -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/22/2003 01:31:00 AM ----- BODY: went to the vandals xmas show at the house of booze. a few key things occured: 1-i was hit on by a very cute boy. not boy in the endearing way, either- boy as in he lives in winetca(?) abd is probably about 19-if im lucky. gave me his # on a 5 dollar bill- cause he had no paper.. very sweet. dan ackroyd stood in front of me- he is fat and creepy(but canadian,so ill forgive him) the vandals were AWESOME. i had so much fun. what agreat show. jf was super- the lead singer is hot. afterwards went upstairs - saw paz- she was w/ ryeland- whom i hadnt seen in 3 years( never really knew-either...but lots of odd connections) and we all went out to eat -jf nicole paz ryeland jolie (my date) me and the rest of the band cme- but sat at differnt tables. fun night-reallly fun. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/20/2003 02:29:00 AM ----- BODY: friday night at the grove- para sola. very nice. got red fish net stocking and concealer and two awesome books on coding and a wacom tablet.(begrudingly) all for me. suprisingly not crowded. worked on a graphic job all afternoon which is what inspired me to buy the wacom thingy.i realized what took me 4 hours could have taken 1. if i dont like it ill give it to my cousin. who, is living here- very nice to have him here. specially at christmas. have no idea whats going to happen for xmas. everything is setup -plane tickets etc...but . talked to patrick last night.seems so far away and distant. bums me out.do not feel close tohim at all. his tone on the fone is so formal. yuck. i do not like the fone. probably why i lose so many of them. but that would mean i dont like cars either- seeing as how i lose so many car keys , too. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/20/2003 02:21:00 AM ----- BODY: testing again -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/18/2003 01:15:00 AM ----- BODY: t -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/18/2003 12:49:00 AM ----- BODY: testTestFile.html -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/18/2003 12:28:00 AM ----- BODY: test -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/18/2003 12:26:00 AM ----- BODY: testing the new server media temple..... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/21/2003 05:23:00 AM ----- BODY: weird weird weird.i am laughing as i write this at the assinine situations i fall into. without detail i am a pattern whore. i cant help it. they all lokk different but the behaviour is so insiduciously similar. my own person freaky friday.whatever.i dont care at all. i m going to go away instead, i guess, want to but feel a little pull to stay here...but its not worth it, i dontthink. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/19/2003 04:29:00 AM ----- BODY: some sort of strange scenarios happening in my life of late. causing me to not write. cant go over it all.. but i did get a boot on my truck..SUCKED. and mjk had a fun halloween party and i dressed up(as him) wes and hthr also had a fun party..singer guy named nate denver-very cool. then talked to random people and in the midst spoke at length to a very cool boy. saw justin and shellee - dlo and i went out and spent the day/eve with them the sunday after halloween. saw their store and house ,,both awesome. went to a mightywind LIVE show with the whole cast ..with boy i met at w&h's had a 3 day extendo date.m and i are 'seperated' officially.. i guess. saw elf. very funny to me. finished jg project..sorta. lots of tweeks left. feel ambigious towards many things of late. not passionate about anything except work stuff. spiritualized last thursday was awesome. cept i think it was the downfall of anything that could of come with me and new boy. oh well. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/24/2003 08:09:00 PM ----- BODY: sign my guestbook please UPTOP -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/21/2003 04:09:00 AM ----- BODY: gl's bday party-sit down dinner at falcone...woah. i had a nice time-sat with a guy visiting from canada(victoria)very nice and cool.drove mel to a party downtown-ugh-then to feed the cats in bw.so nice here.so peacful-havent felt this much serenity in a long time-qat least since canada-so actually only a week. dlo ie and ls went out to the funeral today-very sad.three suicides in ten days. mom is doing well-mtgs etc. i need to let this shit go- i cant function with htis chaos- yet i draw it in. i feel so conflicted .it is like watching a movie or a bad dream..cant control the outcome- just want everyone to be nice and happy. including myself. i am happy- i love the people in my life. i have to remember this.especially when i feel like the world is caving in because everyone else is unhappy(seemingly)it is magic when i remember my happiness and am able to feel it amidst whatever is happening outside. but i know that i am staring to go back (or forwardor horizontal or whatvr0to the place of being in peace. i feel it tonight. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/16/2003 06:39:00 AM ----- BODY: underword premier went w/ dlo to wes and heathers then met ie and ls and the brkstr there. i sat outside the whole movie practically- it was cool looking just terrible seats in the front row to the left- killed my neck. i am so glad ls came - we got to hang out and smoke while they watched. she is funny.and loves ie and makes him happy. what more could one ask for? i wonder whn i will have that. i am so barricaded - i am readfy for some dude to just break thru the barricades(to quote bry adams) and hiton me or something. weirdly awful-good-necasserry week. alcoholism suicide record release disconnected-ness. i feel conflicted and if step in the wrong spot i wil be blown up . i cant believe the insensitivity-or actually way beyond insensitivity-self obsessed false postuering behaviour of some. it sadens me to no end. i want things to be good and happy- moments like how i felt in qc. perfect able to be present feel joy in the moment and full odf love for evryone around me and gratitude for being where i was. i dont think this is unattainable- i just think so many others think it is that i forget that i can be happy at any chosen moment. i am disatisfied with my life in many areas after coming back from canada- i want to be inspired to do authentic stuff that i love-from my cells-like those around me- but the problem is i think my path is about love and service - cause the only thing i thrive in -is listening and understanding and showing different ways to people. fuck- i dont know what i am talking about- i do know that i miss people again. i stopped missing people a long time ago- perhaps out of self protection and part outof having unmissable people around. but now i do ,imiss my dad. alot. i thought about him so much in canada it hurt my stomach . but i think the missing people is indicitive of a void in my llife- a lack of intimacy maybe- no i am intimate with a few people- i am definetly unguarded around 2 or 3 people- but never always and completely. i am scared of being really close because then -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/05/2003 12:55:00 AM ----- BODY: at ut;s in to.weird good alot -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/20/2003 05:44:00 AM ----- BODY: soooo little i have posted this year. so much has been going on,too. we r almost one year married-sept.8th.wow. i ahve applied for a c,too.went to lollapalooza this weekend- with m and dia and omo. fun. but really hot. sat on the bus alot to keep cool. theband was really good. i felt proud of m.i guess ,although ,he has been doing this since way before iknew him- it's like(for me) having someone reach a really cool goal in their lives and you get to be part of it in support etc. i know he reached success etc along time befor i met him- but the universe put him in my life so i could see what it was like to be creating from the source and how it all affects so many people .sometimes i think the beauty of m is that he has no REAL idea how authentic he is. he has followed his dreams and let the universe lead him via his voice and lyrics-yet he struggles with people soo much and has such a childlike way of handling his 'fame' it's sweet, actually. dlo is the same in many ways but because he has been overshadowed by the 'lead singer syndrome' for his whole career he doesnt see/feel his impact via fame - and so the sense of how much he is following his authentic path and how he affects the world is less obivious to him-its interseting being around these guys for this sort of observing-i try and figure out why i have these guys so deeply entrenched in my life...but it never comesclear. if it was about me seeking to be around fame or whatever-i definetly wouldnt have drawn these heavymetal guys in- im more inclined to belive if it were about that -i would have people like lfb in my life...(j/k) i am sure its for something more to do with authenticity despite postion socially -because i really forget who they are until i am at something like lollapalooza and they get on stage and i see the insane reactions from the crowd.it's disarming-but i forget 'who'they r to the world because of their attitudes not because of me..i am al to aware most times of social positioning and fame...it's these particular people who have come to be so important to me because they have never given me any moments EVER of sincerly being aware of their 'it' factors..i have more ego etc in my work than they do in theirs..and that is saying ALOT -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/20/2003 02:02:00 AM ----- BODY: it is almost getting ok to be living w/out AC. i have never been so crazy from the heat before- i was depressed and suffocated for a few days...wow. who woulda thought?dp and i have been out to the valley a couple times- got to hear the band rehearse. fun. jf has worn the same white suit for like 4 day s onsecutive- full white button down w/jacket pant hat and glasses...that is commitment. no washing of it or nuthing. hot. i took jp and gf and friend to see the monkeys this eve. dlo was out but i got to see the dog and lily and he got along too well...alot of humping. not very tired but very introspective. feel like change is on the horizon for me. i dont know in what form but something big. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/02/2003 12:15:00 AM ----- BODY: wuon oh won. all th egirls cept dia and nicole. md was there- i luv him . he's kinda gross now- but he is super hawt from my childhood memories. pm and l came and met us- then wes showed up....and dlo was right on his tale- it could have been horribly uncomfortable- but it wasn't as they missed each other by about 12 seconds- phewf. yuck. oh well...this is not my problem.but it felt lie it wa for awhile. if wes tells dlo and he gives me shit tom. i ll be upset. or not. i dunno, withthe way i have been feeling i cant tell how ill react. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/30/2003 07:31:00 PM ----- BODY: ladee dadee we like to pahrtee -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/29/2003 11:57:00 PM ----- BODY: how funy my life has become. or already was.i just get it now. like , i got it before....but only in a sarcastic selfeffacing scoff. now i belly laugh and feel rather tickled at times...by seemingly random events and characters that seem to sprout up so unexpectedly...just in the nic of time. before it felt like the joke was on me in a mean spirited way...and the cast of charcters around me were all almost always villians masquerading in cool down to earth clothing -now i see it is the opposite . i embrace these seeming villians. and they all seem to be turning out o be eerily famliar bundles of love tucked under the scary villian thing. i guess ihad to live my first thirty years being the innocent who was disilluisioned and dissapointed all the time ...to become this somewhat guarded ,defensive and easily angered person to start being able to withstand the intial trials and tribulations that lead to the gold mines of human beings i have surounding me. damn.feels good. there isnt another shoe to drop...they all came off and i like my toughsouled barefoot exsitence that withstands the crunchy sharp rocks and gravel to eventually be standing in the warm silkysoft stuff. it's cocktiail hour in my life. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/25/2003 01:14:00 AM ----- BODY: my time online has shrunk due to real work..or something like that. shifts in my life, as usual. kinda major..but not totally unexpected. gettin a seperation. interseting. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/09/2003 02:35:00 AM ----- BODY: so much in my head- lots of things to think about . dl and lf are so hard to figure out. mw -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/22/2003 11:21:00 PM ----- BODY: p-o-ed. i am . i just got royally stood up by d and m. feel like tis was some sort of personal afront to me. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/20/2003 11:07:00 PM ----- BODY: welcome time traveller -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/17/2003 11:37:00 AM ----- BODY: so confused -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/17/2003 12:36:00 AM ----- BODY: fuck -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/13/2003 06:06:00 PM ----- BODY: so much going on in my life. i am LEGAL in the usa to work UN fucking believable. was at the INS all morning on friday and it was more than worth the basement shithole waitand file. picked up dlo at the airport last night- he had the babies with him. oh my gawd sooo cute. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/08/2003 04:01:00 PM ----- BODY: try and try and try again -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/06/2003 08:02:00 PM ----- BODY: guess who's back?been feeling very creatively stifled these past few months and that coupled with the fact that i wasnt realizing the impct or scope of my daily ramblings- i shut the whole damn thing down ,but i have lots in my head and and i have lots to still write about so in this time of great fear and and serious insanity in the world..i think i am insignifigant enough that i should be able to write my toughts and ideas down here. so there. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/02/2003 03:13:00 AM ----- BODY: soo much in my life and in my head. made some great big chanes or the better , of late. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/04/2003 01:21:00 PM ----- BODY: girl u know its true...ohh ooh i love you. just imagine now i can sing this for your listening enjoyment- yeah blogger. life is weoird these days - i am still married- for 7 months now- i am happy- my life is relatively simple, i see alot of ch these days whichh is turning into a great friendship. i got two cats..which is huge with me being a DOG kinda girl. mjk gave me two of his hairless wonders- mac and sushi-i'll post some pics soon. i'm a bit lonely as mw is away from home alot these days- but it s odd that when he is home on the weekends etc...i get annoyed and wish i had the space to myself again. i 'm weird. i had a crazy out of body dream last night i flew all over the place and really tried to get to certain places. i was also shooting down a track made of ice and packed snow on some sort of sled and i 'controlled' the course of the ride with positive thoughts....how weird am i now? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/26/2003 01:23:00 AM ----- BODY: i m back-couldnt stand being away. i am about truth so i wont stop again. i had it out with someone -really brutally- i used anger and my hands to grab the person- i let three years of unresolved stuff boil over and if i learned anything from this incident,it was to process everything asap. and let shit go. let it go and forgive for real. i'm all about praying for my resentments to go the fuck away. i am sorry and sad that i was so harsh to this person- but if it is true that everything happens for a reason, then there must be a really good reason for this. went to delux this eve- after eating with mjk and dia. fun dinner- fairly entertaining at the club- was supposed to meet ch -he stood me up- un real. oh well. no more help for his love life. got to see cole and lfb and a few others i rarely see these days. nice-few awkward moments but i let them go quickly and was able to fend off the ugly energies. i am so stressed about landlord and mom. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/10/2003 03:31:00 PM ----- BODY: don't not come back.though- i will have something else up here ASAP..that 'll be way cool... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/08/2003 02:19:00 PM ----- BODY: no more of this - iam sorry to say- the journal is over with and i am grateful for getting to do this for as long as i did. but one of my bestfriends got very hurt upon interpreting an entry as a slag against her- and i do not want to have this ever happen again.so goodbye and thanks for reading. a -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/07/2003 02:53:00 PM ----- BODY: sitting working-really anxious about nothing and everything: dmv, paul medved ,money . must realize everything will work out far better than if i try and micromange and stress..gotta let it go.do whats in front of me. take care of things- call mom re ie's truck. get her to talk to eddie and his accountant. then go to the dmv to find out how much i owe and call dr to call chase and release the lease to me-nice bit of rhyming there- -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/05/2003 05:53:00 AM ----- BODY: OH MY GAWD i hjust lost the longest ranting post in histry of my bloging and it was all about the fucking knarly shit that happened today- all technical car/computer/etc.stuff...how f*^#ing ironic is that?????? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/15/2003 09:41:00 PM ----- BODY: got sick on sat night. really sick slept all sat sunday and monday..woke at 5 pm went to nic anon. shared. felt good. lots of people there. ch was cagey=at best. seems he avoids me- he's great on the phone-but in person he seems scared of me..kinda funny.wish we could be friends- we had fun .oh well cant have it all, i guess. worked all day yesterday and today. bm's site and bw's site. mw got a new car. very 'cop-ish' went to whatever last night. the 101-quiet for a tuesday. nice. no drama of late..dont feel stressed or like i have to be a perfect friend these days. what a fucking relief.funnyhowthings work out. i am so not affected by what people think i am affeced by..it's funny to watch other people spin though. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/11/2003 09:30:00 AM ----- BODY: very little to report as of this week.good week. lots of service work. pmsing, though..so a little aggresive and sensitive. i am trying to work alot. got my health care and lawyer stuff organized FINALLY. phewff. going to lfb's for a mtg at noon. all girls, should be nice. went to rodeo last night, then to swingers with mi espousa. ac and jd came and sat withus-ac had a hot newcomer with him. very funny crazy wacked british guy w/ a cool name. must now go bathe. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/06/2003 08:42:00 PM ----- BODY: what is up with updating the site and getting reverted to an old version. it should be a fuck of a lot easier to change your blog page...specially when you PAY for blogger -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/06/2003 08:39:00 PM ----- BODY: check out my new links eh? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/05/2003 12:06:00 AM ----- BODY: i want to start writing. i am not sure what holds me back. i have this thinking that if i dont do it perfectly..i mine as well not do it at all. must reverse this. i have so many ideas in my head. i need to make them come to life via creative endeavors. art show at the loft. end of february. meditation class on wednesday there, also, must call and tell mjk. he's not back till the 15th. they are looking for a new bass player, (apc-not tool) i wish i knew someone who deserved/wanted/was capable enough to have me recommend them to those guys. but i dont..not that i can think of.talked to sf about it..he's looking for more of a rawk band to play with. he is motivated, i'll tell you that. talk about someone who has seized his opportunity and turned it into gold. good for him. ss is apparently coming down for a visit and i hope hope hope i get to see her.called e again this eve. she still wont pick up my calls. i dont mind really. it's an excersice in unconditional love. i trully miss her mw hangs with little jen alot. and kk -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/04/2003 03:18:00 AM ----- BODY: hmmm. feel like i need to do some serious creating. want to write and paint and redecorate and and and. watched in the bedroom last night and it made me thik. it was so interesting the way the movie was shot...not cinematography speaking-more the characters and their reactions to each other. i am fascinted by vulnerability. i always have been..probably because i am so sensitive. i dunno . i am trying to figure something out ...i'll get back to you on what it is ,exactly...when i figure it out myself mw took me to a great great new restaurant for dinner this eve. torrie sake..japenese 'country' style food. awesome. hanging with martha ttomorrow..and ec -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/03/2003 02:38:00 AM ----- BODY: was really happy today. after holiday relief, iguess. feel odd aabout this evening, though. i spoke at at mtg. mw came with. we had a fun night. dinner with alot of kids..jenbrens came and met us. love her alot. then we went home and watched 'in the bedroom' holy grief movie... i feel alot right now. i feel happy and excited and as though i am in a great space. who knows what tomorrow brings. i am not sure about alot of things. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/02/2003 02:26:00 AM ----- BODY: WENT TO JANES LAST NIGHT-at the wiltern.so awesome. weird ass crowd.lots of 'kroq' winners..OC to the max..drunk and bad style. but pf and dave made up up for all that. they rawked. dave was really comfortable on stage . i think pf is super sexy..in a weird -i would never touch him way..he's just so charismatic it kills me.playe dALMOST everything i wanted to hear..'cept for rock and roll. after party at jordan shers house.lame . left as soon as we got there-as josh"the ultimate dickhead'richmond was (surprise surprise) being a DICK..not letting people in etc. kinda a bad day. felt irratible and sad. just newyears blues. fun night though. w/df ns luis sf at etc etc at the 101. i feel a little lonely right now.i dont know why but it is weighing on my psychie. i am homesick. i miss being around people from home. xms , i guess, brings this on. and the lack of communication i have with people.(from home) ill have to get a full report from cs when he is around. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/31/2002 06:01:00 PM ----- BODY: tonight jauna's addicione....yeah. im psyched. dave's bday at midnight.should be fun . dont know if ill go to the after party. i may be beat. who knows. it's just great to be going andnot have to figure out what to do for newyears. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/27/2002 01:28:00 AM ----- BODY: feel very close to connection with universe. odd time right now(when is it NOT an odd time in my life??!!) feel slike i'm living in a spiritualized song.cried today, finally. feel sensitive to others energy-know i need to do something different. am scared of thinking about the new year, must follow my instincts though. yoga. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/26/2002 12:48:00 AM ----- BODY: christmas 2002 is officially over . i'm so grateful for all the people aropund me this xmas. and for all the events that are helping me to see who i have become. i have grown out of so many of my old patterns(thank g-d) db came over as a late night santa , wirth presents for us all. how sweet. went to rodney mtg. shared-feels good to be part of something spiritual. thanks to the universe -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/24/2002 01:01:00 AM ----- BODY: so..the big dinner this eve. ahhhh. im soo glad its over- but it was great. mw's parents met my mom ..after my darling husband picked up my mom from the airport..i do love him more everyday. and z and cousin and jam and bay and yargo and db all came over..ec , too. it was great. easy fun. the only down ward moments were towards the end when i got sad. mom and dads anniversary today. i felt lonely etc. gotta get over it though.bro just called from hongkong. feels so good to talk to him. i am in the midst of being aware of my feelings and at the same time being ok with them. sorta. i am so tired of feeling this sadness. it is cool that i have tools to let it go and change myself ,so as to not HAVE to be a victinm of my emotions anymore. faith hope all of it. i wonder when i will have my first baby.? random thought it may seem..but seems to be a question i am asked more frequently ythese days and it makes me think about the whole deal ..after seeing tom and sarahs beautiful creation..i am more thoughtful and open to the idea of this. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/22/2002 03:02:00 PM ----- BODY: odd not having cole around. i miss her alot..even when she was here..she felt like she wasnt..really here.i dunno. changes shifts always. spiral in out.whatever. i am feeling like i am in the divine oder of my life right now. let go of control all the time. it will (IS) working out for me..perfectly. i am married and have awesome friends and good stuff all around me. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/22/2002 03:00:00 PM ----- BODY: nice am. woke went to ie's hung with erwin and cat(oops forgot his name) then up to mjk's to hang with those cats and fish. then to lc ..left as i have heard the speaker before.went to meet rf and her italian diver boy/man. at urth. then home . got the garage cleaned out finally (3 years later!!) abe and lea are moving..weird. mw just got home.now bathing then to ie's then sundowners.supposed to see fern at 330 or 4. hmm. i am feeling anxiety over tomorrow. mom arrives at 12 45 and i have to be at the house for all the work people at that time.. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/21/2002 08:40:00 PM ----- BODY: lovely dinner &visit w/ cameron. he's going home for xmas. lucky. i am home sick- a bit. although it should be nice with mom etc. and cousin and zoe. and mw. and his parents. ik..i'm a little stressed out about the whole thing but i'll get over it. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/21/2002 08:20:00 AM ----- BODY: una mas tiempo -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/21/2002 08:17:00 AM ----- BODY: trying new settings -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/21/2002 08:13:00 AM ----- BODY: had a good day yesterday-saw coley in the am and jam and zoe.good talk . feel useful. then went to ie's taping (of his new show)really funny. i am so proud of him. ls was there. nice to hang a bit. we are going to look after erwin and her cat. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/19/2002 06:24:00 PM ----- BODY: odd yet good week. verging on sick.lots of work. lots of quality time with mw. mtgs. talked to cs this afternoon-will have dinner on sat night. mtg this eve the xmas party at mf's -saw joel on tuesday.briefly!! saw 'about schmidt' -very long and draggy. better at home, i 'm sure. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/17/2002 02:17:00 AM ----- BODY: campfreddie this eve.umm. well . it was fun. i danced alot. ahmet was great.he sang 'feel like making luv."so awesome. bereal was there. sang rocksupahstar. very cool. also nika costa.more tomorrow..im too tired -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/16/2002 09:12:00 PM ----- BODY: feel great . slept worked had a an awesome sunday..went to larch mont w/ mw then to the mtg meet couisin and z ...1rst mtg!!! then lunch at urth...then to the house to feed animals..then to yo's sample sale then bought a xmas tre...then watched a bad movie(salton sea) talke dto coley today..felt good. reminds me of the gratetiude..having days off from people...saw hil too. love my friends ssooo much lala called to thank me for my email ..so nice. now we are going to camp freddie. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/15/2002 10:58:00 AM ----- BODY: i see my life quite clearly right now. i amno longer upset about cole. i am fullof love and forgivness both for me and everyone else. i know i am not a bad friend 'cause i have never showed up or been as present as i have been for someone as i have in the last year. i know my truth and i am ok i pray that she is ok and that there is resolution. and love and mmore fun times ahead for us-together. i am not freaking out like i used to..maybe because i know she is more like a sister and i REMEBER all the sweet things i felt and she said and i still believe them..i am not ready to discard any of it. except for mjk being a party of our lives .it will all woprk out becaus ei have let it go and and can envision the joy ahead and now. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/15/2002 10:53:00 AM ----- BODY: odd queit weekend. woke sat and went meet z at virgin with jam. then coffe and took jam to therapy. then met rf and her italian hottie , then to work till 1 30. then to see solaris with my husband. good . then swingers with df and mw. then movies at home. worked on choptop and eddie sites also bny site. supposed to drive dia to the airport but i SLEPT THROUGH THE ALARM!!!i cant believe it..df took her(fwwff)nice morning ...went to larchmont with mw -we sat and talked for 2 hours.. now we are home. goin to meet cousin and z at the 11;45 mtg. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/13/2002 04:48:00 PM ----- BODY: evrything seems weird and sad. spent the day w/jam and z and they are both devasted. so i took on some of this..also cole is very over me. aparently i ahve been a really bad friend and she feel hurt and angry at me. nothing i can do.oh well..i guess no party this eve,i cant even be botheredd to call anyone about it. i feel like its last year all over again.fuck it. fuck it. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/13/2002 12:40:00 AM ----- BODY: intersesting night. slept alot today-then went and hung with mjk's mom . she is so cool. did latha yoga...very cool.then mw an i went to larchmont to eat at french place-then home worked. then to dea and df's bday dinner at the hillmont...ch's gf was there-she was cool. very nice. good dinner. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/12/2002 02:18:00 AM ----- BODY: look at my picture -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/12/2002 02:11:00 AM ----- BODY: i cant sleep again. f*ck pray, i guess. i am happy though. talked to fj ..and tt. wow. i miss home so much. mom i scoming down in 2 weeks christmas already. gotta get email organized. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/11/2002 04:32:00 PM ----- BODY: whatever kinda 24 hours.highlights were seeing Tc and dia and i leaving mansfeild for a good bitch session. df's bday dinner at 101-but i left 'cause it was so crowded. mw picked me up and we went to the thai place on hollwood.mmm.slept in sorta(830)went to larchmont with cole and mw then to swingers with mjk and saw his new rangerover.pimp daddy.unreal.his mom is coming in today- look forward to mtg her. hung with df and dia.home working (sorta)mw read for nypdblue this afternoon...gawd i hope he gets it... $$$and get him back into the swing of working.. ns is having a hard time-real down and moody..depressed i think about his living situation. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/10/2002 03:02:00 AM ----- BODY: LONG ASS DAY>>>>mjk's all morning/afternoon..then to work on ie 's site-then to lak's -z went home today seeing her for lunch tomorrw-also tc at 3 .df 's bday and sf's also..hmm. tom taylor emailed me today ..how awesome. i have been in a stae of missing home and look what i get hope he connects back. mw is still up too(it's 3am~~). had a funny day w/ him.he's bummed about smoking...as he should be. v told me i was going to have 3 kids-2 boys and a girl.hmmm. when, i wonder, will this take place? i told mw -he thought it funny!? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/08/2002 02:20:00 AM ----- BODY: open letter to myself: how blessed r u? being able to hang out with the awesome loving fun people i do..and have a great home for me and my husband..and have a great car and be able to have people over for dinner (like this eve)and go to a party and leave and go to athe 100 and see more great people..then come home and play on my computer and talk about the eve with mw. i am blessed. ok 'nuff to me. odd week with z in the hospital and work and people etc. not bad-just alittle off the center -gave me some perspective, i guess. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/06/2002 09:22:00 AM ----- BODY: as is so often with me in my lifetime..i have that free floating anxiety and fear of what comes next. like i want whatever is going to happen(bad or good) to HAPPEN already. it feels overwhelming and is causing headaches and insomnia and fear based reactions and lack of concentration and hyper focus-all at once. i am crazy. i feel like i have all this creative energy but no ability to channel it constantly or profitabley..either monetarily or emotionally or whatever..just spurts and stops and it is very very frustrating. i am seeing TC today. hopefully we can start a plan to channel some of this. paid all my bills and MAILED them..WOW. i am astonishing myself. my husband is working now. amongst other things.went to df's mtg last night co spoke-he was great.ch was there with his girl. she looks sweet. he ignored me...?funny boy. watched boogie nights -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/02/2002 08:19:00 AM ----- BODY: so much in my head yet so ittle ability to type... i need one of those voice typer things. mw went down and p/up the volvo. which had the phone in it. i started helping bm with his website www.choptopsbbq.com-had breakfast with ch on thursday(thanksgiving)nice.(as he would say)cole got really sick..scared everyone for a day or two. heart valve problem. not good-but she seems to be reacting VERY WELL.thanksgiving dinner at mjk's w/ nb bh,dr,ml,'corine'...a gal m met on the road..one eve..then flew out for thnksgiving...piece of work. poorthing was into percacets and booze all weekend..did not make it home from dinner on wednesday without barfing on the way home..hmm. sounds familiar.remember to save her a seat... wed pre thnksgvng dinner at the hillmount w/ ie and ls etc.-highlight..df cme by and i got to see anthny -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/27/2002 07:48:00 AM ----- BODY: hmmm -------- TITLE: worst case scenario AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/24/2002 01:54:00 AM ----- BODY: worst case scenario : drive your car,full of Los Angeles based control freak passengers, on American thanksgiving weekend, in Southern california, to a rockshow in san diego. - be sure that each of your above forementioned friends/passengers have a deadhead-like fondness for said rockband AND u are not only their chauffeur, but also their put-upon conduit - as in u know someone associated with said band and due solely to this fact... the passangers/ fans have extremely (as in extremely unreasonable) high expectations on YOU..and you , alone.... to insure them their VIP (aka:LA birthright no.3)staus at show . k...got all that ?good... Now..arrive in san di-LAme-go(town of show) and find your cell service is unavailble in the area -not one bar.?(the area being outside of 213/323/310) wait ..it gets wayyyyy better: >get to the ridiculous SweetValleyHighStyle college arena , where concert is being held and immeadiately get in a spat with your 'conduit' ( read: u r being an uptight bitch -stress?case-and ur are completely insensitive to friend, who is their to work.and you have a freakout on him. nice one creelman. sorry ykw.) but never fear i am punished..., of course, becauses i now have a few fully bad dissapointed vibe frinds/ passengers( u recall them,right?..the 'not good out of their elements of style' hollyweird spoiled fan type group you transported) THEN, at that key crucial 'LA.VIP' moment, when this gang expect to be escorted to the magical**after soiree**...you realize that you're missing your ONLY set of car keys.. its 3 am...And you have no credit card.....and no cell service. and apparently: no friends at this point. murphy law in full efect: read on... so obiviously.. 'fan/friends' haven't any empathy/sympathy/ apathy...I mean why would they ? u have not delivered the services required- Being as such, they all flee in next departing cars....in their defense: only after they make sure u'r ok Of course You are!~ because you've been dropped off in parking lot of a(30 dollars/ hour) motel... where you stay -but dont sleep or brush teeth- and then find way to back to the parking structure where said vehicle is...not an easy feat,mind you -remember you have no cell service or cc...this is all in payphone and goodfaith- but you get to keyless vehicle..and wait for triple A- for 5 hours - only to have them tell you that they wont/cant tow your car, cause of some highfalutin' keyless entry shit you nonothing of...so, you have another 2 hours wait for the paid(500 dollar) tow truck...get to dealership just as they close.....only to be told the key will take 1-2 weeks to be made...sweet jeezis----murphys law? mercury retrograde? (oH yeah..have PMS , also..) Then have friends drive down in friday afternoon holiday southern california traffic to pick u up...and realize ( silently of course..at this point) you left your phone( that didnt have service in area) at the dealership. all true. bibliography- "after-party":**please read, and remember:DOESNT EXIST -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/24/2002 01:50:00 AM ----- BODY: oh my . life is so weird . my new thing is that we are living in our own movies..starring roles vary but we are always the lead character..so we have to make use of who else has been cast..very selfcentered..but its motivating me to do stuff that i wouldnt do..like ask for what i want and not do things i dont want in movie... i'm so lacking in perspective of my own life sometimes. it's crazy..i lket myself get to involved in other peoples movies and end up neglecting mine so it starts to be some french melonacjholy silent sad art peice... that noone would want to sit through. i want love affairs and passion and excitement and love and joy and adventures because of the opportunities i take up. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/20/2002 12:00:00 AM ----- BODY: feeling good. had awesome productive busy day -worked -ran(2x's) worked mtg-ran-met tc-met cole...great chats .ns is out of his place and staying with us and jodi.. gk is hanging alot more...very nice to have him around again. went to the nic mtg last night saw ch..he seemed good. went with jd..dinner after then met dea no les duex..felt too unsocial. mjk is home tomorrow am..early p/up around 7am.. then bill m at noon lights at andy's...grocery shop..mellow eve train on thursday..sd on thursday..i guess. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/17/2002 11:37:00 PM ----- BODY: ight -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/17/2002 11:34:00 PM ----- BODY: more love and forgiveness..i spoke this eve at sd overflow. not my best but i heard some great stuff..i have to remeber to be more loving to EVERYONE and more forgiving..it makes life so much nicer. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/17/2002 11:27:00 PM ----- BODY: feel overwhelmed..in a good way, i guess. work this week -tc this week -software from sf trainer-(must call her)mjk comes home on wenesday...show on thursday. i think.ut emailed me this am ..sent pics, made me a little homesick.cant wait to go home again. and bring mw!! -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/17/2002 02:37:00 AM ----- BODY: so little info on here, of late.oops. oh well. everything is good...great in fact...working house sitting still married (and getting along)sober etc etc. am running and seeing a trainer...but i eel fatter than ever..perhaps that is my perception along with a few extra pounds.. i dunno. spent the day at the beach-awesome.mw and i drove out after lunch to cc...met dea and df. went to jm's bday party out in topanga..on the same land mw was born on...i led them on a walk through the woods and jungle across a creek..it was fun..met ns and cr and bianca there...then went to the reel inn for cr's bday...then i came home -mw and the rest went to a movie..i met them at the 101 later..just got home. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/07/2002 07:18:00 PM ----- BODY: i am sworking. ahah. been awhile. i am assiting (doing errands) for two middle aged men..bioth totally cool and single so they require personal help..groc shopping etc. cole and i are trying to turn it into a business could be interesting. i have had to face a lot of financial fear this week. i am payng of all my bills and still haven't brought much$$ in- i am freaked out but i wil be ok. i always am. hanging with dg. alot this week. she is so great. i love my new friends. finished cali's thing-cool. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/03/2002 02:02:00 AM ----- BODY: funny how i can have one experience which is feeling great and seems to be leading towards a new fun experience..and it shatters and turns into a crap shit fuck piss helll hole of an experience where i am sad, i am thinking i need to ,onceagain,stop tricking myself. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/27/2002 08:58:00 PM ----- BODY: interesting weekend.saturday did running around with hil. car washed-saw mi for a visit. then grocery shoppingwith my husband..then to the big house to make dinner and swim. coffee this am with as and coleycole..then mtg..didnt stay though. then to house to do laundry -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/26/2002 01:59:00 AM ----- BODY: seems like it was a loonngg week - good though. monday night was fun..dinner at real barf daily then to 3ofclubs then to see cute boyz at les deux and then back to 3 of clubs thebn coley cole and i went to swingers..alone' tuesday i worked on cali and aton's web site and wed went to ryan adams with lel mw cami etc. thursday..not much then this eve rodeo - swingers then paryty at michelle from upstairs's sisters house -where cali was djing...weird coincidence... fun night. tomorrow have dinner at the house swim etc -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/21/2002 09:43:00 AM ----- BODY: feel off. just sorta . i cant quite figure it out -but i am definetly not doing excellent. s'ok though. coley cole turned one. holy shit. everything is a miracle. crazy. had a sleep over on sat night to celebrate coles bday..then big breakfast at the griddle then mtg then saw mi for some work . then home with mw . then dinner with coley and mw and ms. then yo and bay came here last night and we watched the sopranos. hmm. i'm off to yeshe's now to help with flash then to the other house to wait for the fish guy and $$$ -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/14/2002 05:43:00 PM ----- BODY: wdding pics here IMG_0210.JPG gawd, am i really married?? how odd. feel meloncholly. deep shame feelings stemming from isolation and feeling as though i am ditching out on my life. which is, not true. i am realizing i adopt feelings that match situations..like old clothes i put on when i am sick..thinking they are part of the sickness. when in reality the clothes make me feel worse and allow me to wallow in the sickness feeling. this make sense?? i am excited about nicole andi's plans to investigate the realities of the business we have talked about. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/11/2002 05:40:00 PM ----- BODY: louder -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/11/2002 05:35:00 PM ----- BODY: k. i will try to get better with hthis thng. i am in a weird state. par usuale, i gues. i am at the hp house. my spouse is trying to learn to play guitar . jesus and mary chain. very sweet. i hae been marrie dfor a month now. how odd. i was soo sick for the last two weeks. didnt think it would end..ever. feel sooo much better, had dinner and a mtg in brenthood w/ cs last night. good visit. i feel very alone - not lonely or anything..just independant and aware that i am changing myself from the inside out . or something. got to have dinner with ab and coley and cami. nice, df came by, also. go9ing to the dog and pony show this eve. whatever. just want to be with people whom i love -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/04/2002 10:48:00 AM ----- BODY: i am so glad fern is my sp. she is on the ball with everything. she gives me the dl on the shit and makes me work to figure out how to change my shit. i always wanted someone like this in my life. a boss of me. i upgraded to pro blogger- sorta just to support blogger-as i dont see that there is much you can do with pro that you cant do with regular..but it is such an amazing service(blogger , i n general) and has literally change dmy life- i now write and post my life on the web and maintain a website..all because of blogger -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/02/2002 02:14:00 PM ----- BODY: so after i got off thephonew/mjk last night and he'd told me about the phone call...i got an email from m. it was relieving and upsetting.i responded and apologized for not being a good friend to her.(?)..i havent heard back but i so want the truth to be told and for me not to be blamed for all this shit. it blows my mind that i am being blamed for everything. and really, i did nothing with a badintention. i invited m out to meet new people. i nevertold mjk about anything...she needs to look at ns for that. i thought i was loving and kind to her and a. but i guess i did something that hurt them..for them to be so angry with me. it blows my mind. i 'm not going to try and figure this out.it is too painful and old. i am sure of myself and my actions and intentions...and i dont need to be blamed for stuff i didnt do. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/01/2002 03:12:00 PM ----- BODY: had migraines for the first time since i was in 3rd grade this weekend.yuck,nofun. laying low and hibernating in the house.haventtalked to mw in 2 days ..feelsokay.hung out with jenb this am..that wasnice.. i tolsd her how i felt about a and m - i am going to call and see if they want to have a bday party for jen with me. i willl wait till i feel less vurnerable. i am so easily forgetting that i need tol ove people through their anger or hurt or frustration. it's my only choice now.. but sometimes i slip into feeling leftout or whatever and i cant do that anymore.cause it never worked at helping me towards feeling better...it always made my life worse and dreary now i dont want to hang on to familiar old feelings when things come up..i want to transcend everything and all situations with love.. i can do that- i can love everyone whole heartedly and authentically- just sometimes if people want to stay in their pain..i'll just slip away from them for the time being -not seek them out..i'll let those in that kind of self hating pain- come o me..if they wish..but i guess the only way to guard against energy and love drains.. i must use caution ..not withhold love..just move away from anger. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/29/2002 12:17:00 AM ----- BODY: is it possible to love a part of someone and despise another..i dont thinkit's very healthy..but sometimes it is how i feel about my husband.i love him very much and maybe in some weird way..more than anyone..but i also cant stand the way he behaves sometimes and the weird insecure behaviour that he plays out ,of late. i guess i have to love that part ESPECIALLY..i mean if i am trully on this path and wanting to expand my capacity for love i think this prospect is a perfect opener for this project. so, i must pray to see all of him with loving eyes and feel love in my heart for his many facets of personality -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/29/2002 12:11:00 AM ----- BODY: so much in my head. i have a new sp...fern..of all people. she is so amazing. i am trying so hard to expand my heart and stop feeling hurt..or feeling the hurt and growing more cpompassionate and loving because of it. i get confused..there are somany people that talk a certain way and behave for the right people..but then act decitful and betray confidences out of nowhere.i am trying tobe graceful and i am not talking about who or why or whatever..i am just sad and trying to love them more because of it..it seems to be a huge lesson in my life..a theme . some how i must learn to not care and not notice, i guess. we'll see. moving back to the house tomorrow. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/18/2002 01:22:00 AM ----- BODY: okay i have been slacking - coleycole...this is your shout out.. i got married on the 8th of september. oh mah gawd.i'll post pics later this week. went to az fro 5 bdays . soooo fun and relaxing -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/15/2002 01:12:00 AM ----- BODY: had a weekend sleepover at the house...so much fun. dinner and swimming and watching taxicab confessions and everyone macking ..or trying to at least.. funny well. i am getting married. september..i guess. jd made m his ring and brought it to the show we went to this eve, looks awesome.a guy is very sexy with wed ringt on,;crazy shit going on..working on this documentary and designing the screens for the 2 restaurants and living at both houses.hil went to sunvalley. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/06/2002 01:21:00 AM ----- BODY: hmm. i am living an odd life right now. good confusing funny odd scary(A little) spent the entire week or so w/ sp mw cant articulate what that means right now..all very easy, though. saw coleycole this eve, totally lost it laughing at the meeting this eve. havent laughed like that in soo long.felt good. went to dinner then les duex, -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/30/2002 12:21:00 AM ----- BODY: woah. wild week. got a concussion on monday afternoon. slept and sick for a few days... hung out with ms all week.hes moving in.. this weekend: went to re 's bday at thw wilt chamberlain house..it was weird and fun. i was with ns all weekend..hes been bummed, went to rodeo, selby AND sundowners. tonght i went to les duex and ran into colby..had a very intensley eye opening convo...i thought i was crazy thinking ch was still hung up on dl..but he was..or is, i mean. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/22/2002 05:56:00 AM ----- BODY: i am officially insomniatic. 5 days w/out sleep. its insane. i just went for a swim..all misty out and shit. cool. my hearing is shot. its like i was at a concert last night and they (my ears) are still 'ringing' cept the ringing is loud and fuzzy and sharp-all at once dont know quite what to do..each day i dont sleep the less social i can be and the more i become introverted and hermitlike. supposed to be speaking at a mtg this eve... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/21/2002 12:14:00 AM ----- BODY: feel odd. havent reallly slept the last few days..a lot on my mind, i guess. or not enough maybe? good weekend..as sent me an email wondering what was wrong...i didnt have the strength to tell her i knew what she had said about me. i am already so hurt and perplexed by all this. hil and i had intuitive hits about this and i guess we (I) should have listened.to them.; its not like i wasnt warned of her instability i am going to pray for her tonight and for the next few weeks and really visualize her as a happy safe loved and honest person -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/19/2002 10:29:00 PM ----- BODY: have been hanging out at the house all day and yesterday . went to the coffe house...and by 534 for a few minutes..i am loving being here. i am so blown away by the honesty and integrity of al and mel.it saddens me and makes me angry about as....i saw her this eve and was quite awkward..i couldnt hug her..she seemd to be happy to see me.i dont think i will confront her..i gather al and mel and mjk are going to..about thier own stuff..i just feel like it was agift and a lesson for me.i feel very blessed and proud. i love looking forward to getting to know people.this summer is already turning out to be great. need to organize the stuff i'm selling for the man of the house.. should be the motha lode. dont want to harp about as but i feel so yucky about it. i am going to write a page a day and run every day for the next two weeks. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/18/2002 12:03:00 AM ----- BODY: sunday i [picked up mjk and ie at the airport..then mjk and i hung out at the house. went to dinner with a fun group on sunday bh and dravens nephews camwe. dl was there..(swoon) ns hil ls ie Very nice to see Ls as ie has seemingly sequestered her to his place for months ..it seems. then monday...fairly chaos free...got mjk organized . he had lunch with dl -i did laundry. then ie and ls came up top the house and we loaded all the precious wine into my car. then i proceeded (with ls) to follow the boys in the porsche in the heat of the day thru brutal traffic to inglewood to the forum. ugh mellow before the show dhl and al and mh came down.had an amazingly revealing and honest convo with al and mh we had fun. hil and ns2 bought tix and met us there. the actual show was perhaps one of the most amazing experiences in my life thus far. i felt small and overwhelmed and ecstatic and energized and loving and like a little kid and a parent all at the same time. it's funny how i dont relate the person on stage to the mjk i know.the fans went WILD. so proud. got a post card from ch. must of sent it the day he left. worked with cw all day ..dk came over and saved the day (or the book) then met coleycole and mw and spent afternoon in the pool and eve at meeting...with hil and ns too. then dinner at the indian place .. funny. then saw coleys newly decorated apt. then ns and i met hil and we went to ledome...nico was having a thing..then we went by the standard..it was absolutley awful...unbearable for me. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/14/2002 03:51:00 PM ----- BODY: mw came over last night we had fun..went to 101 and back to the house and swam and jacuzzied and he slept over then p/uped mjk and ie at the burbank airport and heard of the escapades last night at the show. had a going away thingy for ss. rw (sexy?) was there. asked me to teach him yoga... dinner avec mjk etc this eve at hillmont..show in la at the frorum tomorrow. scared i am going to get ahundred calls . email from ch..a form letter to all. sounds good though -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/13/2002 08:54:00 PM ----- BODY: living in laurel canyon. awesome..but it has altered my life completely.. i am turtrned around and not very present wheni leave here. feel sorta reclusive. mom left. mjk comes back tomorrow. drove ie to the airport this am.lots of di9fferent stuff going on for me. feel like i have had a perspective shift in a major way. a little scared right now but good. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/13/2002 08:15:00 PM ----- BODY: feel like i am on drugs... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/09/2002 11:35:00 PM ----- BODY: band is leaving on tour on thursday. im moving up thursday . tomorrow p/up mjk at 10am go to cmc's salon then to lunch w/ devo etc. mom is still here. ie didnt come this eve,- he was at the playboy mansion... got to hang out w/him all morning- which was really nice. i sure love/miss him. i think it will be a great summer. i hope ch went to bali. over fer good i guess. mw came with us this eve. fun. he's funny -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/09/2002 11:33:00 PM ----- BODY: holy shit. amazing night. tool did a friends only dress rehersal at sony sound stage...AWESOME> about a hundrede people there. unreal.so fun and mjk sounded so good. im so proud of him. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/06/2002 11:23:00 PM ----- BODY: sad day. odd day.. didnt sleep last night. woke an went to cb on main..saw ch. then up to hollywood..slept etc. the to visit with ch at his house. very hard and a little awkward. strong overwhelming feeling of sadness. must somehow release this. it's like i believe i am a failure at relationships..and i am mad at myself...but in reality, i am just choosing (or being CHOSEN BY...)the wrong-4-me guys. ch and i couldnt have been a worse match..really. he contracted wherever i expanded.. i had dinner at hillmont with mjk etc, nice and made me forget how i felt earlier. but as soon as i am alone again..i am lonely. only not really..just sorta grieving.i guess. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/06/2002 05:44:00 PM ----- BODY: been staying down at the beach. with mom. very nice. feel overwhelmed right now. saw ch this am. yuck. i feel awful due to it. i am to see him at 5 30 this evening.cw called me on the 4th in a stae of distress and she -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/04/2002 08:26:00 AM ----- BODY: went down to the beach last night- after an awesome dinner a tthe ivy. stayed out there..then came up and went to the cabin. going to have brunch with ie and ls and hil hopeflly. then holiday sales shopping. then to the beach as cs lent m ehis bitchin place for the weeknd.how kind and nice..im like the la house whore. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/02/2002 11:15:00 PM ----- BODY: what a fucking night-cd called me at 6 30 and asked me to be the 2nd speaker at whatever..a mtg i am so scared of and about 100 or more people go to...then ch called and started mocking me and asking why i didnt tell him i was speaking. i ended up in tears before i spoke..i was so worked up and nervous. it sucked. then ch's ex gf came and gave me a hug and then as i spoke i felt so good and relxed and free. jg was there, as was ah ad gk jam etc taylor..everyoe said amazing kind things before and after.....i cried on my walk home. hard. i felt like i really saw the light of day on things as i left that mtg and realized what i am capable of. i may not be a career person with some big sucess...but i am sober and i am good at being sober. i am good at telling others about what it is like. and i am great at having fun in sobriety. for all this i am grateful -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/02/2002 02:31:00 PM ----- BODY: went to n lastnight. ad spoke. she was really good. then we all went to dinner. gk came with. he was a hit with jg.. ch came for soup..which was odd. (but nice) les duex..but i felt awkward so i left. hs this am then work at tm then cafe avec jenb and the other alison lunch with mom hil and gk. home ran -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/02/2002 12:18:00 PM ----- BODY: mjk sent me this this am..OH MAH GAWDfree francis bean. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/01/2002 05:35:00 PM ----- BODY: felt sick again today. shitty i am so over this slept a long stint of the aafternoon away..only eason i got up was because mom was here and i had to . went to erewhon and bookstore ..tried to do the post office but the line was insane. whatever. i am now going to mtg. then diner with gk and mom. hope i feel better soon. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/01/2002 10:34:00 AM ----- BODY: mom is here. awesome. doing bills then running then tea at elixir. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/30/2002 12:08:00 AM ----- BODY: reread the truelove poem tonight. where is my hand ?????? fer fucks sake. bed without dinner -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/30/2002 12:02:00 AM ----- BODY: if i was a guy i'd marry me for a gc fer sure i would-and i'm not just saying this because i am me, either -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/30/2002 12:00:00 AM ----- BODY: such an odd saturday. after ss left i have been alone and in a weird lonely state. ok though. i didnt reach out to anyone..so i must somehow need this alone lonely time. wrote some amends letters. feel sad about ie and ls. i hate it when people yell at me like that. i miss ie alot. i want to have a fun summer. i want to go to swimming alot. the 4th of july was so great last year. i dont know what is going on in my head. s -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/29/2002 05:01:00 PM ----- BODY: odd weird sad feeling has struck ..or crept up on me this saturday afternoon. awesome visit with mj at fred segal..lunch shopping (bought myself grossly overpriced sunglasses.) he bought me some awesome sexy perfume. ss came over later we shot the shit etc. but now i am here and it is sunny and inbetween day and night..nuthing to do and i feel overwhelmed with a sad pit in my solarplexus. i should do something. i feel very upset and bored at the same time. its a lot to do with missing ykw...just cause saturdays were our days to have sleepovers etc. and i think i am lonely. yep thats it ..i am lonely. ooh. i dont like this feeling one fucking bit. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/28/2002 03:07:00 PM ----- BODY: feel so much better than the last 2 days..i was sicky poo for sure..i slept almost 48 hours.sheet. but today, i have an appetite and i woke up in time and i feel good. bit shaky. spent the am at 'work' fixing the bug AGAIN. now home. tried to make it over to ie's but he didnt answer..i sure hope he isnt mad at me. weird if he is..probably not though. hes probably sleeping. im hot..and sweaty. i need a shower.i also need to do laundry. jam came by last night ..lay aroiund and watched hbo then she took me for soup. ran into ch and his sponsee of all people. nice visit, despite feeling crappy. then a nice vivt today. whatever that means. moms coming down in a few days and mary is moving in. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/27/2002 10:00:00 AM ----- BODY: been sick and sleeping. mary is coming ove rto see the place tomorrow. scard sorta. *- -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/25/2002 04:33:00 AM ----- BODY: try -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/25/2002 04:29:00 AM ----- BODY: ok ok.i am sure not big on sleeping these days. meeting either. ykw called 5 times this eve..i wish i was into him.i really do. it would make my life so easy and fun. but nooooo not me. i cant be attracted to someone who has thier shit together or is kind and happy.no way jose.not moi. i need him to be bitter uncommunicative,lacking in social and fiscal skills help me change my ways..or my type at least. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/25/2002 03:00:00 AM ----- BODY: full moon and i am pms ing and i amstill greiving..i must remember these factors when i decide the world is against me...also sooo little sleep. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/25/2002 02:25:00 AM ----- BODY: okay, im soo curious as to who YOU are...i have been getting an awful lot of hits in the last week or so..and from repeating ip#'s...please send me an email..or even better SIGN THE GUEST BOOK..over on the right side of the journal..PRETTY PLEASE -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/24/2002 03:27:00 PM ----- BODY: i am single . i am sorta still sad. not sad in an upset i want him back kind of way...more just sad that i dot get to watch forensic files and have sex and silly stuff. i know i will again..its just that i got used to ch. oh well.bw's bday last night. cr dd etc alll there. ns brought his new girl, robin, who seems very sweet and nice. i hope he keep s her around. i am trying to get his friend me=ary to move n here..asap so i can house sit all summer for mjk. tha would be ideal..have someone here..paying most of the rent and me keeping my stuff here and staying at the house.. yeah! i got my gc approval application today..which means they just sent me the ok to put me in the drawing....manifest it picture me with a grin and a green card (my gc) in my hand!! -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/20/2002 06:01:00 PM ----- BODY: this feels familiar. three woman..one being lala..me feeling as though i am being 'ambushed' the truth is that i felt -(no matter how much pain and meaness L had caused me in the past )-i had to be there for her..as a sober woman and because of my own experience of being left out and how awful it is. so i tried to maintain a relationship..but i wasnt completely honest with her, i was scared of her reactions to the truth. she felt it and i guess the build upmade it worse. cause as of yesterday i am the official new enemy. as i have been in the past. i will not get into any victim role..i will not engage in any drama either. my responsibilty as a sober woamn is to apologize for not telling her the truth about mjk etc. i did that. now i am to never speak of it again, unlless with hs or ss. need change . staying at the house wil be good. write read pray meditate -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/19/2002 08:36:00 PM ----- BODY: so tired. emotionally and physically. feela attacked but not angry. just tired. lala and the other allison have had a convo that has pinpointed me as the source of all their problems. mjk etc whatever. i really am trying to NOT GIVE A SHIT>>>> -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/18/2002 11:28:00 PM ----- BODY: great night . dinner at hillmont..new restaurant that mjk owns with steven, his friend from cobras and matadors...lots of people at dinner.. i was given some presents and some awesome pics from my bday. alot of wine was being drunk. hmm . so tempting. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/18/2002 07:06:00 PM ----- BODY: its amazing how much i can fool myself and let my feelings become some sort of dictator of what i think i want. it is such a study in my fucked up past thinking. when i met the last oy i trully knew he wasnt the one..but i was going to pass some time with him..but once he became a little detached i was hooked on the behaviour and the feelings that were created for me..nothing to do with him as a person. it became obivous once i was out of it and realized how happy i am and how many hot cute guys there are that pay so much attention to me and are HEALTHY emotionally and dont have weird odepios like relations with much older crazy women. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/18/2002 10:10:00 AM ----- BODY: cant believe how great i feel being 'single' again. only draw back is i am sooo sick..my glands are swollen and i cant swallow and i have the shivers..so i kinda wish i had waited a week to end things so i could get taken care of....xcept who i am i kidding?? , ch would NEVER take care of me or anyone except maybe cw.what a bizarre thing . ch actually brought a couple of super hot guys to the mtg last night..a guy named chris and cali(?) hoops..he didnt introduce me...but i introduced myself. super super cute boys. had dinner with josh and gk and jg and ab . josh is greatt. gk and p just broke up too...hes really bummed though.. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/16/2002 11:14:00 PM ----- BODY: shit. so much has gone on for me. nowhere to start.no more silverlake(ch). mjk is back. he rocks. i stayed up there while he was in az thi weekend. figured out soo many things its wild..the clarity i felt mixed with fear. no sadness though. oddest part was the call i got this morn. as if he was trying to 'switch' the whole thing around.. i am so relieved and incredulous that it took me this long to realizei was lying to myself about how i felt about HIM. i felt alot of things that seemed to be around and about him...yet they were actually sorta addictive trickster feelings deeply rooted in my old thinking. i transcended some pattern with ch. i am soo over the guy who stays in his apartment -nexttime i hear someone say to me..that "they don't really like people...' i am dropping any attempts at frienship etc... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/13/2002 10:53:00 PM ----- BODY: dentist hell today. i have been so bad about writing in here. mjk is back...makes me happy. i actually missed him quite a bit. i am trying to think about what has happened of late..ryan is on the cover of t&c mag...whatever that means. weird. it was such a sshort time ago that she was sleeping on the floor of my studio apt in santa monica.. reminds of the truth to the quote i have above my journal.. ab quit smoking..seems like everyone is quitting..i love it. ajp gave me a 4 year cake at virgin on sat. ad and ch and rf gave me one on wednesday.. running 5 miles tomorrow at 7 am with rf -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/07/2002 11:34:00 AM ----- BODY: whats in store for me? lots of color. new house, love, more money....BRING IT ON -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/07/2002 11:33:00 AM ----- BODY: birthday week. friday the 31rst i was 31..tuesday the 4th i wa 4. lunch and shopping with hil and ab and as and ns2 on the 31rst. rodeo..then dinner w/ ch. nice day. at. as arranged a dinner at lala's for a bunch of people...very nice decorated table with goodies and presents galore..feel very loved. sunday bbq at coles mom's NICE. ie 's bday too. have yet to take a cake this week for my 4 years..jbl turned 3..saw her for the 1rst tim in ages(outside of seeing her on tv..)\nice. i did some work for rf this week. lak payed me ...finally. i am feeling very much as though i am in the midst of a change.no work. no visa. no roomate. time to look for answers and give it all over to see what the universe can do..'cause i am done trying ..till i get a sign as to what to do..i guess. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/28/2002 12:38:00 AM ----- BODY: fucking brutal weekend. friday rodeo..then 101. sat. malibu neighbourhood shit. then cs made me aweome dinner at his awesome apartment and then we watched a movie and i slept there. woke up feeling sick as a dog. then went to 11 45 mtg met jameela there and had brkfst with lots of people -lel and his mom -ali and devo- ns2 etc etc. then bbq at spurges. then met jameela at 101 for coffee to talk as she was blue...so was i. all in all just sad and lonely and events out of my control that happeed added to my sadness. fuck it -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/23/2002 02:46:00 PM ----- BODY: still lame about writing. b is moving into a house wit h ns. i am having a good productive day. up met cole on larchmont . home. picked up at hs. then met paula at 101 and e came. then home then i am running put to ch's house. should be a huge run. i don't know how far that is-but i think it is like 6 or 7 AT least. ugh i am giving myself at least 1 and ahlaf hours to do it so i can jog... hilarious emails from mjk on the road. he's hating europe bored and sounds ready to come home. i miss him alot. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/20/2002 09:18:00 PM ----- BODY: so tired havent had time to write or do anything at all. just got home and i am to tried to go out and eat. to tired to fone anybody and find out what they are doing. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/19/2002 03:59:00 AM ----- BODY: odd week . feel very disassocited since ive been insomniatic(?) sureal ..dont know if things are weird or im just over analizig..probably a bit of both ..weighing heavier on the over analytical side. painted my room today. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/16/2002 10:42:00 PM ----- BODY: life is washing over me like a warm wave in the tropics.. i feel very still and like there is stuff going on around me that is moing fast and i dont need to participate in. went to canada for the weekend with cs. fun. stayed at the sutton place hotel saw mom she came and got a room at the hotel also. got to visit with mich georgia susan s and jane..quite perfect.,as i didnt want to see anyone else. home on tuesday. stayed out tuesday night. been home the last two days working and making phone calls and painting..its so nice. feel a bit isolated, but its just my own doing right now..i can be social again any time..this alone time is rare. max is gone. cant talk about it .fill you in later ie was on friends this eve. he was great.first time i have wtached that show in ages. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/08/2002 07:26:00 PM ----- BODY: . -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/02/2002 02:07:00 PM ----- BODY: i m trying it all again. everything. i am starting to write ( ipromise myself) more consistantly and draw and paint. make necklaces. i feel very off right now..but sort of in a good kooky kind of way. no sleep for 3 days/nights. almost like being on acid. a little less nerve wracking, though. i have to go to vancouver next week - cameron is going to be there at the same time so ill be fine. stay at the same hotel and chill from there. no westvan bs. why on earth does home still charge me the way it does.?? like i have something to prove. im okay... See?better than ok. i mean really, my life is 400 times better than i ever dreamed it would be. so different but so amazing,hmmmmm. how did i get here? where do i go to now? i mean i am staying here, in LA but spirtually ..where now? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/30/2002 12:26:00 PM ----- BODY: i have serious insomnia- havent slept more than 5 minutes...havent had this in forever. weekend wasgood. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/23/2002 10:48:00 AM ----- BODY: life is extending itself to me . weird. i feel very overwehlemd and frightrened of the good (seemingly)being offered to me. bbq on sunday at ns2's. fun. finn came with us. trh 's bday-lots of people i didnt know. mp came. was UNCOMFORTABLE to say the least. spent the day with cameron. nice. we went to the palisades the4n lunch then to his new place...AWESOME. on beach in santamonica... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/20/2002 07:05:00 AM ----- BODY: rodeo spk was amazing. went to sushi with bw jo other al ss ns2 jen brena. nice. then walked up to vogue moomba party. met ch. walked back to cars. went home. supposed to got o a metng at 10 am... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/18/2002 07:05:00 PM ----- BODY: jg's bday party last night..fun. great visit with ad and ab and rg. i think jg had fun. went with ns and hil came llater. ch went to sf -hes on his way home now. we had a chat on tuesday eve. very hard but good . i gather i have no idea how to be in a reltionship- a healthy one, anyway.but i am willing to learn and grow and change-still no word from ns 2 she is ultra angry, i guess. -------- TITLE: Children of the Korn By Rene AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/18/2002 06:49:00 AM ----- BODY: Children of The Korn I have never been one to particularly enjoy popcorn. As a matter of fact, the whole idea of corn sort of repulses me. I’m confronted with of images of Swanson’s fried chicken TV dinners where the corn was always cold while the drumstick sizzled and the brownie had bubbled up and stuck to the tin foil. Then there is the unpleasant Halloween flashback I have of a guy in the Greenwich Village parade wearing a Hefty bag with yellow balloons stuck to it. When I asked what he was supposed to be, I received the horrible news that he was “shit with corn stuck in it.” Why then, I am forced to ask myself, have I been brought to the merciless edge of addiction by the Farmer’s Market phenom known as Kettle Korn? It all began very innocently with a trip to the Hollywood Farmer’s Market accompanied by my mentor. She thought it’d be a nice outing where I could study orchids, find fresh produce, and stock my apartment with cheap flowers. Little did either of us know that I was about to unlock a jones that would torture me for many Sundays to come. The non-descript booth occupied by Frontier Kettle Korn is not dissimilar to the many other food vendors along that particular row. Amidst the tamales, crepes, jambalaya, and fresh baked bread lies the gateway to my obsession. What sets Frontier apart, aside from the seemingly endless line of others waiting to cop the korn is their clever “free sample” strategy. One taste was all I needed to be off and running. Unlike conventional movie or microwave popcorn, Kettle Korn is both salty and sweet--a flavoring which originates in the ominous black cauldron that fills the modest booth. Sugar and salt are continuously blended into the mixture which is stirred and shoveled by an enormous wooden spoon as individual kernels succumb to the heat and jump into the mouths of waiting babes... Another of the sneaky tactics used by the purveyors of this habit forming treat are the insanely low prices and generous portions. A small bag ($3) is certainly enough to produce euphoria, while a medium ($5) is far more than any person should be left to consume alone. I have yet to journey into the dark insanity of the large bag ($6), but I can only assume it would certainly induce a coma. Like any addiction, I dabbled at first. I bought just a small bag to enjoy while shopping and as an afternoon snack upon returning home. I was shocked to find that the entire bag was empty before I reached the parking lot. I stepped up to the medium bag by week two and while experiencing the harmless “Good Ship Lollie Pop” sickness from overindulging....I noticed by the third week that I was buying two bags so as to avoid the Wednesday night panic of knowing that it would be Sunday before I could get more. I knew I was in trouble after endless bouts of disgust and aversion to even the words “kettle korn” were followed by periods of ferocious bingeing where even the seats of my car were checked possible stray kernels. How could I crave the culprit of such nauseating sugar highs? I had stopped eating regular meals and found myself having three Kettle Korn meals a day. I secretly wished I had another hand so as to enable myself to get more down in less time. I recalled stories I had heard of victims of corn liquor poisoning around Prohibition. I was headed for disaster. I had to go cold turkey. I noticed myself humming the tune, Jimmy crack corn, and I don’t care!!!! A Sunday shopping excursion with one of my dearest friends and favorite shopping accomplices began with a sensible breakfast (she of a vegetable filled crepe and me of, oddly enough, a CORN tamale). We sussed out the finest cut flowers and freshest berries. We mulled over the hand-crafted jewelry and chatted with friends also enjoying the open market while enduring the torturous heat. It would only be a matter of time before we found ourselves waiting on the “korn man.” Two medium bags a piece and presto, we were both out only $10 each and feigning heat stroke as an excuse to hot foot it to the car and crack open the bags. Moments later we found ourselves sitting in her car, air condition blasting, feverishly shoveling the stuff into our gullets. “How did we get here?” was the unspoken question which hung in the sweet smelling air. This was surely the definition of insanity. We didn’t talk for nearly 20 minutes before realizing in our full blown KKK*-induced haze that we had both hit the first of many kettle korn bottoms. * KKK (kettle korn koma...see the dampfnoodle dictionary) It's been weeks since that unfortunate incident and I cannot bring myself to go to the Farmer’s Market. Whenever friends mention it, I find myself wondering if they are holding. I’ve noticed that I’m eating out more, allowing the vegetables in my refrigerator to take on that slimy coat. I’ve stopped watering my houseplants and have left my orchids in the blazing sun for hours. Clearly, I’m plotting a relapse. Under the guise of feng shui and produce snobbery, I know its only a matter of time before I find myself bribing the parking attendant with promises of pomegranate lemonade in exchange for a spot closer to the Kettle Korn stand. The Hollywood Farmer's Market is held Sundays from 7am-1pm @ Fronteir Kettle Korn -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/18/2002 06:49:00 AM ----- BODY: Children of The Korn I have never been one to particularly enjoy popcorn. As a matter of fact, the whole idea of corn sort of repulses me. I’m confronted with of images of Swanson’s fried chicken TV dinners where the corn was always cold while the drumstick sizzled and the brownie had bubbled up and stuck to the tin foil. Then there is the unpleasant Halloween flashback I have of a guy in the Greenwich Village parade wearing a Hefty bag with yellow balloons stuck to it. When I asked what he was supposed to be, I received the horrible news that he was “shit with corn stuck in it.” Why then, I am forced to ask myself, have I been brought to the merciless edge of addiction by the Farmer’s Market phenom known as Kettle Korn? It all began very innocently with a trip to the Hollywood Farmer’s Market accompanied by my mentor. She thought it’d be a nice outing where I could study orchids, find fresh produce, and stock my apartment with cheap flowers. Little did either of us know that I was about to unlock a jones that would torture me for many Sundays to come. The non-descript booth occupied by Frontier Kettle Korn is not dissimilar to the many other food vendors along that particular row. Amidst the tamales, crepes, jambalaya, and fresh baked bread lies the gateway to my obsession. What sets Frontier apart, aside from the seemingly endless line of others waiting to cop the korn is their clever “free sample” strategy. One taste was all I needed to be off and running. Unlike conventional movie or microwave popcorn, Kettle Korn is both salty and sweet--a flavoring which originates in the ominous black cauldron that fills the modest booth. Sugar and salt are continuously blended into the mixture which is stirred and shoveled by an enormous wooden spoon as individual kernels succumb to the heat and jump into the mouths of waiting babes... Another of the sneaky tactics used by the purveyors of this habit forming treat are the insanely low prices and generous portions. A small bag ($3) is certainly enough to produce euphoria, while a medium ($5) is far more than any person should be left to consume alone. I have yet to journey into the dark insanity of the large bag ($6), but I can only assume it would certainly induce a coma. Like any addiction, I dabbled at first. I bought just a small bag to enjoy while shopping and as an afternoon snack upon returning home. I was shocked to find that the entire bag was empty before I reached the parking lot. I stepped up to the medium bag by week two and while experiencing the harmless “Good Ship Lollie Pop” sickness from overindulging....I noticed by the third week that I was buying two bags so as to avoid the Wednesday night panic of knowing that it would be Sunday before I could get more. I knew I was in trouble after endless bouts of disgust and aversion to even the words “kettle korn” were followed by periods of ferocious bingeing where even the seats of my car were checked possible stray kernels. How could I crave the culprit of such nauseating sugar highs? I had stopped eating regular meals and found myself having three Kettle Korn meals a day. I secretly wished I had another hand so as to enable myself to get more down in less time. I recalled stories I had heard of victims of corn liquor poisoning around Prohibition. I was headed for disaster. I had to go cold turkey. I noticed myself humming the tune, Jimmy crack corn, and I don’t care!!!! A Sunday shopping excursion with one of my dearest friends and favorite shopping accomplices began with a sensible breakfast (she of a vegetable filled crepe and me of, oddly enough, a CORN tamale). We sussed out the finest cut flowers and freshest berries. We mulled over the hand-crafted jewelry and chatted with friends also enjoying the open market while enduring the torturous heat. It would only be a matter of time before we found ourselves waiting on the “korn man.” Two medium bags a piece and presto, we were both out only $10 each and feigning heat stroke as an excuse to hot foot it to the car and crack open the bags. Moments later we found ourselves sitting in her car, air condition blasting, feverishly shoveling the stuff into our gullets. “How did we get here?” was the unspoken question which hung in the sweet smelling air. This was surely the definition of insanity. We didn’t talk for nearly 20 minutes before realizing in our full blown KKK*-induced haze that we had both hit the first of many kettle korn bottoms. * KKK (kettle korn koma...see the dampfnoodle dictionary) It's been weeks since that unfortunate incident and I cannot bring myself to go to the Farmer’s Market. Whenever friends mention it, I find myself wondering if they are holding. I’ve noticed that I’m eating out more, allowing the vegetables in my refrigerator to take on that slimy coat. I’ve stopped watering my houseplants and have left my orchids in the blazing sun for hours. Clearly, I’m plotting a relapse. Under the guise of feng shui and produce snobbery, I know its only a matter of time before I find myself bribing the parking attendant with promises of pomegranate lemonade in exchange for a spot closer to the Kettle Korn stand. The Hollywood Farmer's Market is held Sundays from 7am-1pm @ Fronteir Kettle Korn -------- TITLE: NightRyder by anon AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/18/2002 06:45:00 AM ----- BODY: NIGHT RIDER Is this a familiar scenario? You re standing in line outside what you hear is a cool club and the doorman, who looks like a complete asshole, is nodding in people who are infinitely less cool than you. Everyone seems to fucking know the guy. The longer you wait, the more incensed you are that you’ve now definitely, officially joined the group of people who wait in line. An anonymous Hollywood doorman extrodinnaire lends a few tips on “how to get past the asshole at the door”... The basics. Men should never come in groups. I do not care how many models you have with you. Even if I seem rude, don’t get an attitude with me. I am trying to be polite and kind but some people are just not getting in. If you’re even thinking like this, you’re probably one of them. If I tell you the Fire Marshall has shut us down, he has. Clothes calls. No cowboy hats….ever. This goes for women as well as men. Dress your best. I don’t really care that much about your particular style or whether or not you’re trendy, but I can usually tell if you are looking your best. Men will never get past me in shorts and sandals. Acceptance is key. Accept the fact that you’re not getting in. Many don’t--and almost nobody actually “talks” their way in. If I tell you we are at capacity and it looks empty, that means I am waiting for other people that I know are coming. Feel free to wait but don’t try to keep talking to me. Not everyone watches “Whose Line is it Anyway?” If you’re really famous or just a celebrity of some kind and I don’t recognize you or you are afraid I won’t, have somebody else tell me who you are. Don’t tell me yourself. Don’t take it personally--I just don’t watch that much TV or read celebrity magazines. I’m generally more interested in music than TV or movies. A “friend” isn’t someone you met in passing. If you are really a friend of a friend of mine, make sure that my friend calls me before I’m working to let me know you’re coming. If you are a friend of anybody else—say, a celebrity--I don’t care unless you are with him/her. I’m not in the entertainment industry and I don’t care if you are. Don’t bother showing me your business card. I have no way of knowing if it’s real or not. Please don’t tell me that you work at CAA, UTA, The Firm or any other agency or studio. The minute I hear that, I assume you are in the mailroom all day or fetch coffee for somebody who is already inside. Je ne comprends pas. Please make sure that your latest movie has U.S. release. I have never been to a movie in Paris or Moscow. My vision is 20-20. Don’t wave your hands or yell out my name (especially if you’re not sure you have it right). I see you. Groups of women should not bother putting the pretty ones in front. I can see you all and don’t like beautiful women who think they have a better chance than the others. Appearances can be deceiving. Don’t bother threatening me. It’s part of my job not to be intimidated and I usually have very big security guards very nearby even if you don’t see them. Cagey isn’t cute. When I ask you whose guest list you are on, tell me. If you are on a guest list, you know it and I know that. If you are not on the guest list, tell me. If the price is right... If you’re going to offer me money, don’t try to palm it. Talk to me first--and don’t talk to me for less than $100 per person. I’m busy even if I don’t look busy. Offer me sex and mean it. I know the difference. -------- TITLE: Come Sale Away by Anna David AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/18/2002 06:42:00 AM ----- BODY: Come Sale Away The timing of the Fred Segal sale always takes me by surprise. "Already?" I ask, when someone casually mentions that F.S. has begun slashing prices by 50%. "I feel like I just went to that." Then I think about my closet and realize that whatever those got-to-have items were that I procured last year have already been stained, worn too much, never worn or given to Goodwill. (Even on zero budget, I tend to treat my closet the way most people do their vegetable drawer--a doesn't-look-so-good-anymore-better-toss-to-make-room-for-fresh-goods kind of attitude. My F.S. routine starts with a first-weekend drive-by: I scan the array of skirts, shirts, dresses, jackets and pants, noting that even at half off, many of these items are the same price as say, a not particularly reliable car. I smile to myself as I watch two perfectly-dressed and tressed Asian women clutching goods and darting to the communal dressing rooms. "Ha!" I think. "Hope you're happy with your Costume National pants when I come back in a few days and get them for 75% off!" Because that's where the exquisite torture really begins. Once Fred's given everyone a chance at half off, he turns up the volume and prices go to two-thirds off for at least five items. It is a delicious concept for someone like me--someone who cannot rent one movie without renting another, never mind that I only have a half hour. Someone who doesn't see the point in stopping at Virgin for a CD until I want two, who cannot sit at Lisa Nails unless I have at least three magazines in a stack. My philosophy is very much why get anything unless you get at least one more? The beauty of Fred's arrangement is, of course, that you really get to believe--and I'm acknowledging that this sounds vaguely reminsicent of a Lucky's commercial--the more you spend, the more you save. So yesterday when I found the brown Katyone Adeli pants that at first sight I knew I'd be wearing that night or the one after, the goal was simple: find four more things. Now. Fast. Suddenly I become convinced that everything I want is right at that very moment being tried on by the Asian women I spied over the weekend. They were smarter and faster than me! They stayed Saturday and have come back every day since! I go into full-on heart-racing, sweating, headache-building panic. Instantaneous isn't fast enough for me. I want to have tried on everything already but still get to have the experience of putting something on and realizing it's perfect. Vests, tanks, sundresses--nothing is off-limits to me as I grab enough clothing to dress an entire Midwestern town. The relief that pours through me when I realize something doesn't fit is palpable. For me, the experience isn't unlike dating someone you know you shouldn't. It's like..."Phew, I knew he thought Shakespeare wrote movies or that funneling popcorn into the esophogus at a rapid-fire, ridiculously loud pace was somehow acceptable. I knew he was wrong for me." Clothes are tossed onto the ground rapidly, replaced by new ones. I'm hanging and handing my toss-offs off as if on an assembly line. "Borderline" plays in the background as I scan the jeans rack and see another girl turn to her friend and proclaim with a giddy look in her eye, "Now I'm really going to start shopping!" The friend squeals. They are experiencing shopper's high, that feeling usually followed by shopper's remorse. I slide a pair of jeans off the rack in silent judgment until I realize I'm singing along to "Borderline." We are all on the same drug. Amidst the stacks of clothing, I find the jewels. Try on the Diane Von Furstenberg wrap-around and leave my safe haven of a dressing room. Look to the 19 extra salespeople the store has brought in for the sale. They couldn't care less about me and my DVF, they are not sycophantic salespeople working on commission who tell you that the Calvin Klein two-sizes-too-small dress looks fab. They are here because they know that taking on this gig means better access to the goods. They are not on my side. They probably want the DVF for themselves. Yet wouldn't they have already bought it? Like a good student of the Art of War, I take from them what I can, accepting their indifferent reaction at face value. I return to the dressing room, switch the DVF for something else, hang it back on its tag and return it to one of the indifferent part-timers with a smile. Inevitably, I find three things I need to have. Three. Not five. Wait, four. I do what seems like my 49th lap around the store, grabbing potentials. What's 75% off of $3,000, I wonder, cursing my right brain's inability to deal. I really do need a gold lame belt with a star charm on the front, I realize. Don't I? Everyone needs a gold belt. Don't they? But it's $92--I don't spend $92 on a belt. But it's 75% off. Isn't 75% off of $92 practically free? The headache I felt coming on has officially settled in. I need the belt. And the Earl pants, even though I have that exact same color pants at home. The Juicy jean shirt may be a size small but Juicy is meant to be worn small. I will tell myself anything in order to reach the five item mark. With a sigh, I drop my five items on the counter. When the total reaches $250, I realize that this money really could have taken care of the whole lack-of-a-fax-line-or-working-machine-in-my-apartment issue. But what does it matter? Juicy, Earl, Katyone and sunddress are all mine. And who, after all, can really say when a gold lame belt will come in handy? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/16/2002 12:41:00 PM ----- BODY: last night was like a slap in the face. or it felt more like a punch in the gut. i am tired. tonight was odd i guess i am really in a transition. i am going through something huge. ns and i really had it out. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/12/2002 11:44:00 PM ----- BODY: time for a change i think. in the design of this site anyway. rodeo. ss led. al s. spoke. awesome. bw and cr came. i love seeing them. miss cr... good fun dinner. home now. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/11/2002 12:42:00 PM ----- BODY: led rodeo last friday...i relize how lamei have bben in keeping this thing up. anyway..led the mtg. went well. i think. dont remember much. great weekend . kinda boring but saw lots of ch. he rawks. i havent seen him since monday now ,, though. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/10/2002 11:10:00 PM ----- BODY: not a good day for me. but not too bad. just emotionally i s off and im frustrated about lack of money/work. i am no fun when im not productive. feel like i need to hustle but i cant. lay in bed for a long time today..ran worked. feel like i need to pray or manifest or all of the above. write a mission statement now. divine inspiration move me brightly .....i am GRATEFUL for the direct hit of inspiration i recieve...and the action i take and the love and joy and abundance in my life now...nothing is too good to be true and nothing is to good to last..so be it. thanx UNIVERSE -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/04/2002 11:26:00 PM ----- BODY: everything isgood in my world. feel a bit cranky and overwhelmed cause i have work allof a sudden, but i m grateful and ch is being so cool and sweet. he makes me laugh alot. i think we r in a relationship, but sometimes i think we arent...he is funny about what areas he lets me in on. kinda secretive. he seems to be trying to be alot kinder with me, though..which is amazing -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/03/2002 01:47:00 PM ----- BODY: went to csny on monday eve...oh mah gawd. 2nd row on the floor. real true 2nd row... awesome. amazng, went with ch and ns and the other al. after we ate downtown at the pantry at about 1 am. then home. feel ok right now. bit weirded out by mjk. hes leaving on tour very soon and i feel totally at a loss as to how to end things or even if i should. i mean i know he is pissed i am hanging with ch as much ias i am.. whatever. hes got to get over it and go back to our original relationship.. cw called and asked me to lead rodeo on friday....ugh how nerve wracking but very honorable a request. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/31/2002 12:43:00 PM ----- BODY: weekend easter...going to malibu for lunch etc and speaking at 6 30 . spent the night with ch and the met e at three and g . hate that meeting. well... i dont hateit.. i just think it isnt for me. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/29/2002 06:44:00 AM ----- BODY: today i am going to give love to everyone i see and talk to . i am going to be as loving as i can be because i want more loving in my life i mine as well try giving more out right? i am so grateful for ch and ns and mjk and all my great friends -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/28/2002 10:52:00 PM ----- BODY: sorta odd day. not bad odd..just off kilter a bit.. woke went to the cabin. brkfst at urth...then dropped shit off for als then wnet to tm office..mtg with ch and finn. good . again told ch that i when he wanted to call me he could. i was willing and wanted him in my life but i am tired of being rejected or told "maybe' everytime i ask him to do smething...so we slved it by me saying if he wants to hangout he has to call and ask me from now on..i hope he realizes that i always want him around practically.. boys r back from no's met us at the oneohone. so did cf and rf and hil.ch sent me some super endearing yet unrepliable twoways...feel tired and sad. but i am looking forward to a sleepover this weekend -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/28/2002 07:24:00 AM ----- BODY: god..i ran into the og crush from around the corner...kevin?. so hot and sexy (to me)...he sat right next to me and ..well nothing..i just think he is hot and dl and mjk are cominghome today and ill be seing them in a few hours..so i dont have to sit in this false place of mourniing over ch not being able to hangout ..etc i have other options . i am too tired of ch twisting my emotions around and saying ridiculous things..like"i dont want to see each other EVERYNIGHT" oh my gawd...we r lucky if we get two nights in a week. fer fucks sake. he has a warped set of archives...he also is sneaky and secretive and keeps me seperated from his world . i dont get taken/asked/introduced to anyone with him..im pretty much his lttle sleepoverdate and thats it..i'm over his behaviour. god i just realized how crazy it is to think its ok that he treats me this way. unless he shows up with a major transformation of behaviour and an open heart..i m not playing anymore -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/27/2002 11:36:00 AM ----- BODY: my life seems to be an excercise in patience. people are sweet and nice then they act fucked up and mean and shitty for no apparent reason and i have to try and "let it roll off my shoulders..' im doing pretty good though. sleepopver at ch s last night. bad start..good middle ..ok end. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/25/2002 02:51:00 AM ----- BODY: gd awards this eve. i hate that shit. specially since they are literally in my back yard this year and everything was closed off. despite this fact i had an amazing week. lots of dumb oscar parties. but sorta fun cause ch came with...weekend ws spent in silverlake mostly. got a invite from shepard to a show hes playing next week and ykw's band is on the bill. how funny. GUARnTEEs i will not attend. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/23/2002 09:42:00 AM ----- BODY: feeling sleepy. need to run. need to mmake some veryimportamt desicions today. we'll see how it all turns out with the boy. if he treats me with some respect and love then we'll figure out what to do...if not then im going to new orleons to see -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/22/2002 02:12:00 PM ----- BODY: my life is progressing in an odd weird good endearingly scary way. i am feeling like iam an observer. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/20/2002 04:45:00 PM ----- BODY: good few days. things have a way of working out...even for me.. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/18/2002 12:16:00 AM ----- BODY: sometimes all iwant is to be told eveything is ok. just ot believe someone else. feel like mom being down here does that a bit. went and had bday dinner with e and ms and mom etc at the 101. nice. then home and mom and i are going through all my shit..sorting etc. fels awesome. hope thimngs keep going as well as they did this eve with ch. nice talk. he makes me laugh. because he is o scared of talking abouot anything at all...he is 7 years old. i just want him to be in my life a lttle more..and vice versa..i dont know how..just come out with us ( my friends) and invite me withhis fiends,...and start speaking about me as his gf to those PEOPLE..the ones on his side . god it bugs me and hurts my feelings that he doesnt even acknowledge me to those girls etc. perhaps he will now. i dont know. i just need to let it all go, -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/17/2002 09:06:00 AM ----- BODY: my computer is broken. ugh. i am soo frustrated. dinner with mom and ns and md. nice. then grocery shopping. then home and we made sundaes. brownie sundaes. so good. and watched the osbournees,nice night. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/16/2002 06:02:00 PM ----- BODY: mom here. .went to lunch with ns . then shopping. last night we went to rodeo. good. cept i felt very emotional due to menstrual situation. ch was alright.not overly nice to me . i got fed up last night. i was at dinner and everyone was giving me a hard time...why didnt i ever invite ch to dinner etc...i was so embarresed. i dont knopw how to say he never wants to come. iand it sorta overwhelmed me. as i was talking to another person who knew ch well and they had "no idea he even knew me"..let alone dated me. god that made me feel like i am a piece of something..so i went out there and told hiim what i wanted..to be full on or nada. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/15/2002 10:56:00 AM ----- BODY: mom is here. good. she is staying with me... mjk is off to arizona.i am teaching though still..at the loft. ran this am. felt good as i havent run in days. dont know if i should go to ps or not.dont feel too much like it but it could be fun for a day. rodeo this eve, then ms party tomorrow. mom is going. perhaps i may leave her there and go have a date with boy. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/14/2002 06:17:00 PM ----- BODY: ok so this week has been extrodinarry. monday 60 days off cigarettes. ch was so sweet at the mtg. (rare) then to dinner with charlie finn and ns2 and jo. then to meet mjk at les duex..bad there bad scene. tuesday was good. i had so much fun with ch tues eve, we went for dinner and went to teh market and had a sleepover. then got up and went dwntwn early in the am and i watched him cut wood for buliding stuff. very sexy. we have a nice time . he is good for me.met lala and ingrisd today -at cw's store cw asked me to help her with her computer .... feel very vulnerable rightnow. i am sad about this week and all the events that have gone down-.i just miss dad -poor me i just feel a pit in my tummy-really tired and pms i think. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/11/2002 05:34:00 PM ----- BODY: i think that this romantic thing..meaning relationship with someone withwhom you are also sexually active with...is fucking insane. there are too many rules we are taught about how things should go and how they ought to be..well intentioned as they may seem(especially when regarding feelings and standing up for oneself..) they fuck up in not letting nature takes its course..i expect someone to be a certain way because im told to expect this..but he is a unique human who has a way and thought life about him already that attracted me in the first place..so i fuck it all up by trying to get it to change. or something. i dont fucking know -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/10/2002 11:30:00 PM ----- BODY: such drama around me this last 48 hours..but for once i am not involved..directly. things were not what they seemed, or however the saying goes...not in this family group of friends of mine. there were some problems that came to a head this weekend. sad and illuminating at the same time. i had a great day today. despite the weekend feelings of being sad and anxiety ridden last night ch came over was quiet and stoic yet as nice as he could be..and we just lay around and fell asleep. i went into my room eventually and he left. sort of sums up the relationship. i guess i am bummed cause i would like more FROM HIM in particular. not just in a relationship..i want to share this shit with ch...and it doesnt seem to be the way it goes . ah well. i feel good though. i had an interesting life filled week. e came home from jamaica tonight..seems like it went well -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/09/2002 08:51:00 PM ----- BODY: so sad and anxiety ridden. lots of free floatng energy. scared of what i am going to say ad how ch is going to react. terrified, actually i want him to confess love and admiraton for -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/09/2002 06:17:00 PM ----- BODY: its as if my life is a circle joke, like the "who's on first" joke from when u were little. i get over ch..things are fine then things get nice and sweet and we both seem to be moving towards some sort of healthier kinder place and yesterday he treats me the way i always wanted.- just ramdom calls..asking me to lunch..sweet and attentive at the mtg infront of people..but then this am he freaks out and is super aggresive and mean and harsh and unreasonable to me...right at the point where my heart is wide open and i feel so much love ...it hurt so much it was incredible. i could not sto[p crying and sobbing.which only made him angrier it has been a brutal day i have been consumed with grief over dad and ch and lala and everthing else i am at a loss -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/07/2002 11:11:00 AM ----- BODY: fuck i need to do some praying. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/07/2002 10:59:00 AM ----- BODY: i ran with lhr this am. nice. brkfast w/ ls and sarah. ns2 came and picked me up...felt a little down. was getting 2 ways from ch and they made me feel po-ed. i felt forgotten and hurt. i told him. he was defensive and then he was kind and apologetic. i am tired of this. i want to feel inspired and supported and loved. i am so much more motivated and loving and easier to be with if people i love are loving to me. its amazing how simple the whole formula is : be nice authentic and loving = i will be too. what is "nice authebntic and loving"? for me it is NOT being resentful or cold or mean..it is being honest when u want something. no concealing. using kind words when applicable. giving random thoughtful calls /emails compliments...easy. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/06/2002 10:57:00 PM ----- BODY: feel disillusioned with certain people. see behaviour that is gross(to me) the blatant ways people ,manipulate to be around fame and power in this town is gross. if people are starstruck and innocent and cute about meeting peo[ple..its fine . when they act nonchalant and then behave like totally differnt people once around the fame or whatever..i get ill. especially when it is people i have chosen to bring into my small protective world. yuck. i know i am not making sense but i feel alone and ready for some really good stuff to unfold in my world -direrctly to me and have signs of where i should go and how and when -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/06/2002 05:54:00 PM ----- BODY: taught yoga this aft. w/ ns ns2 ie mjk rs ls and dl -who is not as cute as i first thought. feel a pit in my tummy forming around the ch situation. he is acting very down and grumpy and as though i am an inconvience or some shit. whatever. mjk is in a bad mood too. hes all upset and fidgety. supposed to be there right now but i am feeling lazy and a little like i dont want to be there trying to gauge someone elses mood. i am tirred and want to be taken care of. i want to lay around and have sex and watch movies. fuck its all so simple but guys make it so complicated. concealment sux. i choose not to conceal anymore. fuckit. i am manifesting only true good love abundance and joy in my life from now on.so be it -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/03/2002 09:03:00 AM ----- BODY: hmm -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/02/2002 01:00:00 PM ----- BODY: full moon made me edgy and weird. swam naked with the girls and did yoga under the full moon. cool outside at the house. weird energy. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 3/02/2002 10:40:00 AM ----- BODY: such a week. ns's bdaay dinner on sunday and wednesday. sunday we went to a strip club. ch met us there. monday i went to a dinner/wine tasting with mjk and his agent and a bunch of rec exec people. i was sober amid drunk pretensious people. mjk made me laugh histericlly though. tues he got me and ch tix to beck and eddie veddr and mike ness concert...fair trade i'll say. lalas premiere. awesome turnoput. at the egyptian theatre. wednesday mjk won a grammy. we celebrated with dinner and cake at the house. even though he couldnt have cared less. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/24/2002 04:09:00 PM ----- BODY: ns's 29th bday.i feel weird still. slept in. last night did very little. went to storytelling, then 101 then home the to take ns out for dessert at 1 am. slept till noon!!then ran to 101 . met the grls. then home. talked to ch . hes back from vegas. havent seen him, aside from rodeo. we arent going out so i shouldnt have any expectations. i just miss having a male around to be affectionate with...thats all. .... soon . things are going to change, i can feel it.new horizons within me...move maybe?? beck this eve, at the knitting factory...maybe go? i dunno. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/23/2002 03:24:00 PM ----- BODY: world around seems odd. good-odd. - as though i am enlightened or on drugs or sumthing. anyway, its all weird and tones of love and undertones of awareness and shifts in relationships that are so slight yet completely obivious to me. all good. a bit nerve racking at times, but good. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/22/2002 01:29:00 AM ----- BODY: wow. i feel like i am on acid or something. this week has been weird and good and inspiring all at once...sorta. i am running again. thankgawd..ran to the 101 ..thats a new one. had lunch with dir. she told me all about c and r . r is " out" so to speak. saw that a mile away. lala is going thru a total eclipse and transformation before my eyes. lots of tears and real gutural crying. amazing . she is going to be ok. please. mjk is too. family dinner at the house last night devo and ana and the other allison came up. nice. but there was some bad energy going around..i was immune to it thankfully -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/21/2002 12:23:00 AM ----- BODY: well i am officially NOT DYING and getting better, i guess.i was starting to like this sickly life. fel;t ok about no work etc. now i am in faith and belief that iwill be taken care of this coming month. have many little bills that i dont know what to do about.i am scared but each time i fell that fear arise i just breatyh deep and remember who isnt in charge(ME)and who is(the universe) ch is in vegas, still. and i talked to him this eve. good chat. he is sexy, even over the phone. family dinner tonight . weird vibe cause of people there. devo and ana and the other allison came up. nice. i like them. mjk is shooting video tomorrow. no playtime. hang with lala , i will. on monday night io brought ns2 to the nic anon mtg and cw was there and was soo nice and loving to me. she accosted coley ..it was awesome. i did ch's commitment for him. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/17/2002 02:32:00 PM ----- BODY: woke up barfing last night..???whatsup with this thing i have in my system???? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/16/2002 12:52:00 PM ----- BODY: paul called this am . very good convo. lala is here. we r watching the real world. a lil woried about ie.havent heard a word from him. cept on im. my 2way is still at the house. ss iscming over and we r going to eat. i am having liquid food only. ugh. i cant believe how sore my throat is. i want ch to come over and rub my back and watch movies with me. hmmpfh. but hes going to vegas. and i dont want anyone else to come over. just my luck -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/16/2002 10:32:00 AM ----- BODY: o shit iam so sick i dont know what to do i cant move half the time. my throat is soo swollen. my ears are sore from my throat...i cant seem to get -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/16/2002 12:18:00 AM ----- BODY: so sick again. cant seem to shake this..it goes in waves though. every few hours i am ok. but then i am so sick out of the blue -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/15/2002 01:32:00 AM ----- BODY: valentines day. woke up late went to yoga.city yoga, anthony benanatis class. it was great..cept i was so sick by then end and have been sick again allday..not the barfy thing...more swollen glands and shivers/fever thing. ch took me for v day lunch. sweet. then i went home and slept...fitfullt before heading up to the hous efor a thai food dinner. ALTHOUGH NOT TO CELEBRATE V DAY...or so i was told.. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/13/2002 06:59:00 PM ----- BODY: very grateful right now for everyone and everything in my life. THANKYOU universe -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/13/2002 06:58:00 PM ----- BODY: monday still weak..went to dinner and les duex. tuesday went to whatever...met ch and left.and .went to his house and drank tea and stuff. i bought him a honey bear and some half half and he was so grateful..it was very sweet. ramn to the mtg this am. had a lovely breakfast with ie and ad and rc then to meet mjk and la ..gk came wiith . then yoga at the loft. with la and e and mjk. then picked up ns and he's here now..he got what i had on the weekend. on our way upp the hill to watch ie in kw 's show"glorydays" sometimes having friends that are actors is a bit of a chore- especially when they work alot - yet still need you to get excited and rally EVERY time they do a guest spot.. fun -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/12/2002 01:35:00 AM ----- BODY: awesome weekend : dinner at the house on friday. then parties ..then swimming and playing with mjk etc. till sunday ....woke up fine...then around 1 started to feel bad...then i threw up like 300 times till about 1 am.. i was ssoooo sick. but my awesome friends showed up and brought me gingerale and soup and magazines and tons of sht. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/09/2002 10:06:00 AM ----- BODY: ran to the lc w/ jg lunch with mjk and his obnoxious friend from az. then met ad and sh and pm and r. then yoga. went to d and c -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/08/2002 01:16:00 AM ----- BODY: forgot..unbelievable...i have 30 days off cigarette....holy shitwow. i cant believe it. i am soooo proud of myself .. and i am not getting fat or going crazy like last year. ad is amazing support and help. she said some nice sweet stuff to me this eve. really nice. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/08/2002 01:13:00 AM ----- BODY: slept in a bit this am...then breakfast and ork and emails galore for work etc. and b. then lunch mtg and thendid work with mygirls..coley and e. then met mjk and ab a nd hil and ns at the 101. ch 's car broke down so i picked him up-in venice.. he was so grateful that it was sweet- i forgot how much i like him and how he makes me laugh. . it as very nice to play this eve. plus i got to do some stupid old overdue apologies i owed him... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/07/2002 10:09:00 AM ----- BODY: buying new car today..i think. volvo. black v70 xcc. hmm. dinner was fun last night. i made sushi..watched kw's show that jg was on-ie is on next week. glory days. not bad. jg was great . i still have a hard time watching my friends on tv or in movies. i get embarresed or something. went to hartwells new club on tuesday. ab was wearing his NO ACCESS shirt. how awesome. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/06/2002 01:16:00 PM ----- BODY: feel weird and good. and hungry. but ok. i guess. i am going for a drive with ie. dinner at mjk's. should be good. i just am in a real stale sleepy mode ..i just want to go to yoga nd run and read and sleep. i feel a litlle weird. not lonely not depressed just like i am going thru a shift. or an alteration....i am letting go of somuch of myself..or what i thought was part of me. i dont want these parts of me anymore and i am willing to let them all go..its just that it's really draining...cause there seems to be a lesson in each area just prior to having it removed. with friends and boys and patterns in my family and financial stuff... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/05/2002 10:20:00 AM ----- BODY: feel good. my life/body/thinking are changing soo much from stopping smoking. its wild. i am so happy and at ease with all the areas in my life. there doesnt seem to be a rushed feeling anymore. doing yoga today.at the new space. excited/nervous. going to run soon. have luke ryder coming over this am ..but i believe i wont be able to do his stuff today. fish the work on the teenage site. i need illustraor fixes so badly. max is being very cute right now. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/03/2002 10:30:00 PM ----- BODY: i am so sore. but it feels good. awesome weekend. yoga. zuma. all good stuff. i miss the water so much this eve dinner with brother and ms. at the 101. e and j met us. they are so funny. saw jl . nice to see her and visit ,if just for a seccy.have not smoked in almost a month. wow. thats cool. feels good. i wonder what is next in my life...i am anxious about stuff. but i am sure that yoga and surfing are involved in the next phase. awesome dinner at the ivy at the shore w/ cs last night. he was staying at the miramar bungalows. nice. being at the beach this weekend and driving around with c ,it all seems to be pointing in a different direction for me. missed my regular sat night date :.going to see the indian jon belushi avec ch. my knees are hurting a bit. i am sacred of talking to mi about all this stuff. love and service and prayer -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/02/2002 01:00:00 PM ----- BODY: feel great today. went running. met patrick for brekfast. hil met us. then went to visit jc . ran into "a" on our way home. he stopped us and we ended up talking for a long time. he's hilarious. hmm. he flirts soo much. need to let go of my preconcieved notions of who i should / could be with. it's ridiculous. anyway. i am just sacred of actors cause i dont understand . scared to date them,i mean. we are going to srf now -surf tomorow. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/02/2002 12:20:00 AM ----- BODY: patrick is here. went to rodeo. then dinner. soo tired. wish i felt better. feel weird. not sick just tired i guess. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/01/2002 12:56:00 PM ----- BODY: what is really going on here? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/01/2002 01:44:00 AM ----- BODY: meeting jg at 645 am to run to lc.ugh -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 2/01/2002 01:43:00 AM ----- BODY: so tired. ran twice today and worked and spoke - saw mp..looks very good. he came to ch to 'see" me-fun, we had lunch..dward joined us too. went running and then worked again and had dinner with rr jg and solo? then met mjk - tea etc. then went to the movies?? yep. i went to a movie and enjoyed myself thouroughly. 'cept it got out really really late. funny movie. though i dont think it was suposed to be. ab and ay came. mjk makes me laugh brother is coming this weekend YEAH YEAH i am soo excited. i want to pack soo much stuff in with him.. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/31/2002 06:59:00 AM ----- BODY: yoga today . gb or sidda. with e. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/31/2002 06:57:00 AM ----- BODY: dont really feel like going anywhere this am. but i guess i should. hmm. feel inspired to work . just checked out a bunch of super cool sites and i wnt to try new stuff now. later i will. weird dreams. was going on vacation with mj and ie to hawaii..but i was pissed cause the room was wrong. we were going to see a band..(not tool) some weird canadian band, ithink. there was a coffee shop and some old guy and a table of italians in a restarant outside. makes no sense but to me it does- sorta. i was trying to buy new sunglasses. i was also packing in my old jefferson bedroom. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/30/2002 11:06:00 PM ----- BODY: hmm. finally saw mj . came and met me at dinner. he seems ok. off to bahamas for 2 weeks. feel kinds yucky right now. want to have tea and read. but i must work. for a bit. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/30/2002 09:03:00 PM ----- BODY: JG, will be starring in the WB's "GloryDays" wednesday feb 9th at 9 pm. sg sent me an email in regards to this . how sweet and brotherly. awesome fun good dinner party last night...who knew.? i was able to hang out with a 6 yr old the whole time... and i dont mean ie. toady i did a really good run..i am getting faster. also..surprise lunch with ch. nice. work is a bit behind. but i am catching up now. actually going to meet e for food. but i will work later. will work. i need to do the flash code -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/29/2002 06:45:00 PM ----- BODY: una mas tiempo -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/29/2002 06:44:00 PM ----- BODY: what i do not want to do is go to dinner party. ugh. i feel lazy and its sooo cold out. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/29/2002 06:23:00 PM ----- BODY: bw just came over. went through a bunch of photos and talked about art show. logistics . finn came by too. he is perhaps the nicest person i ever came across. ever. very gentle. i had lunch w/ mjk and ie after i picked up the girlls in the new ride....so nice to feel the freedom of driving again. mj lft me the healthiest message i have heard from him in a long time. this eve...mtg . dinner party thing. hmm . feel like staying home watching movies and hanging with boy. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/29/2002 04:40:00 PM ----- BODY: i am test driving a car!!! yeah. i am soo excited . a volov v70 xcountry. working all week. with a car. wow. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/27/2002 10:40:00 PM ----- BODY: sd w/ ns and hil -lots of people there. crowded. sat with ad and jg. sex in the city with j and e . nice mellow eve. too much food though. full. lala and coleycole are back. mjk called -hes back tomorrow . on my run today i kept having flashes of thins i want to do . like move to the beach and paint and surf and run . move to mexico or bali or wherever and have babies andeat fruit and make art and wear sarongs. for half the year... and then come back for half the year. god that would be great. maybe no babies though. just babysit and play with other peoples babies for a while.. write stories. live somewhere else. have someone to shareit all with. i sound cheesy a bit. but the thing is i realize that i only want what is intuitivley right for me t -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/27/2002 10:08:00 PM ----- BODY: learn to swim -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/27/2002 03:49:00 PM ----- BODY: great weekend. went to virgin in the am with jg. then to breakfast with ie etc. then yoga and alittle work. ch came by in the eve. we fooled around on his website then he took me to dinner...at the indian place. very nice to be arounnd him. sometimes it is easier to be with someone when there is no pressure to be a couple. like we are just friends and whatevr happens is ok. i dunno. i like it. it was just easy and relaxing. today i went to larchmont with hil then i ran to the lc,,,(under thirty minutes!!) then i ran to farmers mkt and met everyone for brunch. now i am home fooling around trying to practice yoga moves and work at the same time -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/26/2002 01:14:00 AM ----- BODY: excellent fun good loving -funnyass evening. ns picked me up -went to mjk's and picked him up- then to ie's...then to rodeo a few kids'stalked' mjk..one in a toolshirt. odd vibe.good mtg. then we wnet mjk's and ate bread and cheese and grapes and laughed at mjk and eddie play off each other and mjk sing elton john..ab lel and hils and jg and yohanna came up. it was fun.funny. i feel so good in that house. its so warm and cozy. ns was being extra silly. making alt of innuendos around hil. (?) -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/25/2002 04:39:00 PM ----- BODY: cool week. feel so good off cigarettes.not crazy. running alot. alot. running to swingers running to larchmont. running to real food. shit. its crazy.. but good. lots of yoga . last night went out for girls eve. went to opening of sum dumb restauarant- i sat with ab the whole time though. then to latin lounge. pretty funny group of girls. we got a lot of attention ..or gawking -as the center of dancing circle was jg and giselle. hmm. supermodel dance off. we had fun though. just dancin. cabin this am with jg and ie. cw spoke. ch was there. had fun with him. good to see him. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/23/2002 09:46:00 AM ----- BODY: weird week thus far. ch and i finally 'talked' very pleasant exchange.. over with . awesome having mjk back in town -ie arrives home tomorrow. still running alot. took a day off and went a little nuts. but yesterday got back in the swing of things spent the whole day with lala...nice. drove around did errands etc. this am wth ns2 . she's off to nyc tomorrow.which, btw, is what the weather here feels like today... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/20/2002 10:34:00 PM ----- BODY: went for dinner with mjk and jen and his dad and a bunch of other friends of theirs from az. sooo good to see mjk. i missed him soo much. i cant believe the way i feel around my friends sometimes. the hapiness just floors me. i feel full. ns and cr were there too..cr told me he thought ch was a bore . funny. he wasnt a bore just shy. i feel like such a fool right now an=bout him not contacting me this whole weekend. i feel like a dummy. like i missed something ? so odd. no contact -out of the blue. hmm. maybe he got in a naccident and noone hads found him. or maybe he was abducted by aliens. or maybe he ran away with cw and got married. hmm. none of my business i guess. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/20/2002 03:12:00 PM ----- BODY: sunday morning with hil...went to market on larch got kettle corn and mags. taking a day off from excersice. fewf. i have probably run about 30 miles in 5 days. or something like that. my poor knees. went to the mtg this am. pretty good. brkfast with trevor and micheal and scott and ss and j and jh fun. hottest guy in la ever. the one i met at the gap party ..sat behind us and flirted like mad...hmm -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/20/2002 02:19:00 AM ----- BODY: sitting on a spiral staircase, i am. looking down at the same situation i have been in so many time s(3x..) in this last 3 1/2 years. how do i ddraw these situations in/ i wonder. i am ok had great night. saw owen.....went to a couple parties. i wonder why it is that ch never even called me or anything. so odd. oh well i guess that 's it?hmm..what a weird scene that was. wonder if i learned anything? hope so. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/18/2002 05:27:00 PM ----- BODY: ahhelp my site is fucked up -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/18/2002 03:01:00 PM ----- BODY: ok so if u read all the last 5 enteries it seems a bit like i am vacilating. but what is happening is this: i let things slide , i take the blame for other peoples behaviour all the time. i assume the role of the crazy one or the dramtic one. i 'm not this time. i see that part of my work here is to trust myself and recognize my part and not take on anyone elses part...so i 'm not. i m ok. i trust that the universe etc has amazing plans instore for me immeadiatley that i cant even fathom , so i must walk gracefullly forward. jot down notes 'bout what i learned and move towards my lit path. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/18/2002 02:38:00 PM ----- BODY: what? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/18/2002 02:25:00 PM ----- BODY: i cant really believe this has happened again. this dreadful fucking feeling in my gut. but what i cant really trully belive is that i am ok. i am not without alot of perspective.i see it for what it is. not too personal. although the part of me that remembers sweetness and goodness in someones eyes ,that remembers the words said, and touches etc feels shitty. i am in the middle of a very odd situation. i have just spent the last few days trying to get resolve for me. and in doing so i had to analyze the facts:somehow i have allowed a person to believe that treating me like a i am not special...is ok. even if they are sleeping with me. he has a lot going on..yes.but i am not a a very demanding person. a visit a phonecall a returned email ...whatever. common courtesy.geesh. i sound angry..but i dont think i am. just a bit sad. it could all be so easy .and fun. and light. i am willing. or i was willing , now i am done. its done. . i refuse to be part of this and feel like i am hanging in the corner..waiting to be invited somewhere. its weird. the funny part is him trying to tell me how its all me?? and how i am acting crazy and all this insane talk grow up . learn to swim -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/17/2002 08:41:00 AM ----- BODY: so much good stuff right now. i feel happy and full of energy. went to malibu last night. fun. then dinner w/ lala and dk and ns. i had such a nice night. dont feel scared or weird or all those yucky things that i felt before when i quit smoking. feel overwhelmed when iit comes to certain areas...like finances. but im ok. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/16/2002 04:16:00 PM ----- BODY: these are the questions posed to me from my linkdup pal through blogger insider. 1. What made you decide to quit smoking? found out that it was all a lie....also,vanity and health and relationship with nonsmoker was getting touchy cause of my smoking. How long had you been a smoker? 16 years How long since your last one? 6 days 2. What is your favorite memory from your high school days? alot of them. perhaps the evenings spent drinking at my parents skicabin with my gang of friends ...playing stupid drinking games and listening to ac/dc and the grateful dead... 3. Given that the universe is infinite, and God is also infinite.......would you like a toasted tea cake? huh? sure..... 4. Do you have a favorite food that you really enjoy cooking/baking? stopped cooking and baking once i moved to la. occasionaly i make a scrambled egg thingy with an english muffin.. When you order out, what do you usually get? indian or chinese.always . 5. Do you go back to Canada often? 1-2 times a year...havent been back in almost 10 months though. 6. Do you feel obligated to link to people that link to you? Why or why not? noone has linked to me -that i know of...so no pressure yet. 7. Other than blogging, what are your favorite online distractions? looking for free cool scripts and doing my own personal pi work at google. 8. How would you compare your online friends to your 'real life' friends? no 'onine only' friends.all are crossovers. Are there any of your fellow bloggers you would like to meet in real life? not particularily. 9. How long have you been online? since 1993(on and off) 10. If I were to sign up for a Yoga class tomorrow, what's the best advice you'd give me about what to look for and what to be ready for? wear comfy clothes. ask people ,in your hood who have done yoga, who is a good instructor(ie: explains poses well..is gentle etc). figure out what your intention is for yoga...physical ?spiritual? emotional? all three?..do a little research and try a few different kinds..with an open mind. --- -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/15/2002 05:55:00 PM ----- BODY: hmm. revelation of the day:i don't think i should try to be part of ch's life unless invited. i see my part in acting like a freak. i got overwhelmed with not smoking and not feeling 'protected' or whatever.. anyway i put alot of shit on him last night that he didnt deserve-at all. poor baby. anyway big deal NOT. i just need to not focus on this t all. i am feeling pretty good considering. i have -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/14/2002 01:17:00 PM ----- BODY: ch and i went the set of mick jaggers video on sat night. to give him a bunch of teenage milllionaire shirts he loved them alot. cool. jg was the main girl in the vid. she looked great . had a nice visit with her. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/14/2002 01:10:00 PM ----- BODY: "The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decisions, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." ��- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe change my life. too sedintary(SP?) i need to be physically active in my day to day endeavours. colt was a starting point. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/12/2002 11:14:00 AM ----- BODY: went to an awesome yoga class last night. really amazing. going running right now.the key for me is t keep busy and do a lot of excercise. i ahve to change my life completely or else i am doomed to smoke again or get fat and depressed.great dinner visit last night ss and ad lel wl taylor ab(though we didnt speak..) and -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/11/2002 12:36:00 AM ----- BODY: had such an awesome night. went for dinner with b and ss. he is soo awesome. unbelievabley cool and got his shit together..emotionally spiritually. it seems to me. we sat for two hours and sat and chatted about life etc. he's got a website. i'll find it and put up a link to it. he was in the texas chainsaw masacre movie..a monster killer guy. apparently really 'popular'(?) for the monster set. feel good. but different -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/10/2002 08:44:00 PM ----- BODY: dont feel insane-feel invigorated. wlked down melrose. talked to bm. new ss for smoking. went for a little run . went to the bank w/ ch. got to see him for 1/2 hour. nice. not really worried abou that relationship anymore-if its meant to be it'll be revealed or whatevr. i guess. over all the other stuff. awesome talk with rh today. i love love love her. she is trully my new fav. friend. i miss ns2. she has court tom. pray pray -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/10/2002 10:28:00 AM ----- BODY: i am out of it. things are crazy in my body. i've slept sooo much over the last few days and feel weird. but im ok i guess. just trying to give up these stoopid things called cigarettes. feel pretty alone in the whole thing though. yuck. . i dont care though, -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/08/2002 11:17:00 AM ----- BODY: interesting to see peoples true colors watching them make that choice ...know they will always make that choice. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/07/2002 12:33:00 AM ----- BODY: almost done smoking fuck shit fuck hope i dont get fat. i wont. i will do yoga till i am a pretzel and run like the fucking wind. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/06/2002 11:12:00 PM ----- BODY: this is who i am dating...?!?click to see -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/06/2002 10:10:00 PM ----- BODY: slept alot this weekend. got an email about doing these questions .kinda cool. went to minnie shouse for jo's bday party. fun. alexandra cooked the best chili i have ever tasted. i want to move into that house. it is so cozy and warm . lala came up later. had a really good chat with dave, lele sp. hes a writer. very dark. but seemed into helping me. reading stuff i wrote or whatever. feels very daunting. to let someone read shortstories . this is all rambling but that stuff is real . critique scares me. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/06/2002 03:08:00 AM ----- BODY: great day. jlh and i had an awesome talk about fears and levels of reality. how it is all not real. slept in abit- worked on ritas site. ch came over . fun. went to ameeting in the valley. funny.you go over mullhulland and it could be antwhere in the midwest or canada. fucking weird.. lots of acid wash that is not gucci "80's" retro chic. went to ie's to say bye bye to jlh. then to hotelcafe to hear ch's friend jason play. he was amazing. trully enjoyable with an awesome voice and a girl playing violin. colby and debrah were there. funny. colby is the last person i dated and debrah is ch's ex. they are a couple now. how insestious is that???? almost done smoking. see kerry gaynor on tuesday. jo's bday tomorrow...party at minnies house.alexandra is staying there.should be fun. maybe ch will come. be interesting. miss hil. she's working on some video for what feels like forever. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/05/2002 02:27:00 AM ----- BODY: "The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decisions, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." ��- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/05/2002 01:51:00 AM ----- BODY: when i wake up tomorrow, i will be more loving and kind than i was today -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/05/2002 01:48:00 AM ----- BODY: k no more rating shit i am not into judgement...i just got carried away for a sec -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/05/2002 01:32:00 AM ----- BODY: sally and ns came over this afternoon, afer lala was here. had a great visit. then went to rodeo-ajp(NEWLY ENGAGED) picked me up and drove me there- he didnt go to the meeting. just came over and had a visit via the drive to the meeting...very sweet of him. he seems very focused and happy- albeit confused about living in nyc for the long haul. rodeo was pleasantly odd this eve. ch was pretty sweet and affectionate-which is highly unlike him. cw was very nice to me too. she even hugged me, not that she isnt nice to me usually-its just i ve gotten the feeling she doesnt really like me that much stacy spoke. she is unreal . i feel soo inspired to do love and service and work out my shit . live in the present and remember everythig else is an illusion -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/04/2002 05:22:00 PM ----- BODY: am i hot or not?rate me -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/04/2002 04:48:00 PM ----- BODY: meeting ie and ajp and jlh @ rodeo.ch is saving seats for us. 2 seats anyway. mjk isnt coming to give ie his cake. -havent heard from him. i miss him though. i wish i could mix him up with ie and ch and ajp and ykw and i would have the perfect mate.ch is having a hard hard time right now. a really hard time. with business stuff. i am in sort of an awkward position of being too new in his life to have anything to offer him...i guess just being understanding etc. is all i can do. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/04/2002 04:34:00 PM ----- BODY: sat with lala this afternoon and had an amazing chat. talked about the power of now book and the moment. staying present. it is an unique challenge...specially for me living here. in hollywood it is so about what is about to happen ...what you will do when it happens. everything day to day is seemingly filler till we arrive at this particular moment. we are just passing ime till we become ....whatever. but its all an illusion. it is now that is precious. today. writing this and not dinner tonight and who will be at the party. all else outside of now isnt real. it a figment of my imagination. even when i have 'solid' plans i am still creating the illusion in my mind of how it will be. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/04/2002 09:53:00 AM ----- BODY: bad sleep. weird dreams where i knew i was dreaming but coldnt figure out how to wake up. hardly really slept at all. lc was back to normal. everyonre home from vacation. nice. breakfast at norms. now i will attempt to sleep. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/04/2002 12:27:00 AM ----- BODY: went to ll w/the gammons . ns etc there. along with all of orange county, it seems. charming bunch-with extrodianary fashion sense...hmm. fascinating ,really. to watch. first there is the drama of attempting to get in the club and then if they are 'lucky' enough to get in the interactions are hilarious. there are those who think that everyone else is 'someone' and they are attempting to look cool while they try to figure out who the guy in the fur coat is...when he is actually a huntington beach kid who goes to a citycollege and drove up in a jetta , yet the girls in the po' boy caps and frankie b jeans spend the whole night trying to catch his eye...its awesome entertainment. its bizarre. i feel invisible,, in a good way.disassociated, is more what i feel. like i am an observer. . -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/03/2002 07:27:00 PM ----- BODY: so here it is...... my mission statement. i vow to become a better human being...by: living more authentically.trusting and listening to my intuition. to make amends to my body and quit polluting it with cigarettes etc. to share myself -more honestly and with less fear- with other people and become more open to receive the love that comes to me. to find a way to do honorable fun legal work that brings more harmony and positive energy to the world and other humans -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/03/2002 07:20:00 PM ----- BODY: went to the dentist today. it was so great i found the king of dentists i am soo scared of the dentist and this man and his nurse were amazing. i think i am in love. i didnt even feel the shots or anything.. wow. i had a root canal, too. lunch w/ ch. nice break in my day. lala and ns and cole came over... nice to have everyone back. feel worried about mj and ie.jlh is still here. which is good for ie. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/03/2002 07:11:00 AM ----- BODY: jlh slept here. fun. funny how you dont relize youve missed someone so much till you are around them again. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/03/2002 07:09:00 AM ----- BODY: i want to redecorate my house my site my room....my life. feel very inspired but i have to go to the dentist this morning YUCK -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/02/2002 11:25:00 PM ----- BODY: funny how things are shifting so quickly. feel great about my place in my life. cept for my gd tooth -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/02/2002 11:15:00 PM ----- BODY: k. i'm lame. didnt finish the ms. but i am going to finish it this eve and do it tomorrow. post it , i mean. sob done with smoking. my tooth hurts sooo much too,shit. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/02/2002 05:12:00 PM ----- BODY: jlh is here!!yeah. came down from portland for a few days.. ie lent me his car this am and i went to the hypnotist for quitting smoking...weird. think i'll be able to do it though. i feel over it. the whole smoking thing. i am perplexed by situations in my life right now. feel very detached ..not taking anything too personally. seems like i am just involved in something that is kinda lame. like i dont see too many benefits arising from it at present. none, really. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/01/2002 07:06:00 PM ----- BODY: i love dancing. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/01/2002 07:02:00 PM ----- BODY: tonight iwrite mmy mission staement. i will post it by the time i go to bed tomorrow night . that gives me just over 24 hours to get it down and out. so to speak. and i 'm accountable to it. because of this post.ha on me. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/01/2002 03:28:00 PM ----- BODY: what is really going on for me? i am scared out of my mind. i am scared of not getting legal working freedom in the us. i am scared of not ever having enough money that i earn to pay back my mom and pay my own bills all the time easily . i am scared that i will never be in love . fuck. i am soo scared and i feel hungover from lastyear...all the stress of what wa happening last year at this time is acting like muscle memory-cept n the form of anxiety...free floating anxiety. yuck -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/01/2002 02:17:00 PM ----- BODY: wow. i feel weird and anxious and clear all at the same time. frightened by the prospect of having do something new. put up a donation thingy so you all can help me pay for a lawyer to get a greencard. or a husband... okOLD =out:smoking. people pleasing at my own expense... shit talk new=in:yoga meditation more love sex and water -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/01/2002 12:43:00 PM ----- BODY: tuesday january 1rst 2002 -------- TITLE: 2002-welcome AUTHOR: a DATE: 1/01/2002 07:05:00 AM ----- BODY: happy new year. 2001 over and done with. 2002 sounds better. more even and balanced...just like me....? had a lovely dinner here ajp and lisa - mi ad ag lele hil etc etc....Alas, i'm too tired to write all down now,just now; But i am a non smoker as of last night. ch threw water on my cigarrets when he got here( at 2am) he did this after i "threw" them in the trash.. Tonight: went to les duex at about 10 30 . PACKED but fun. saw a lot of people. vedy drunk people. lak got wasted...hilarious actually. wl was there as was db. funny weird energy with a lot of people. awkward. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/31/2001 12:33:00 PM ----- BODY: grea talk with lak. feel like forever since we have chatted like that. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/31/2001 09:15:00 AM ----- BODY: the party is going to be non smoking.huh. that'll show em.they'll have to smoke outside in the cold. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/31/2001 09:11:00 AM ----- BODY: so nice to see ie!!! he just drove me home from the mtg. ad was there had a good smoking convo. ugh. she is good for me though. cause i think we smoked for the same reasons. hmm. i am a bit nervous about today and not having a car to do all this shit. i'll figure this out some how -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/31/2001 07:01:00 AM ----- BODY: my house is almost completely redecorated. i went nuts last night. when i got home from dinner, i totally rearranged everything. threw sooo much shit out. feels good..hopefully it is all fengshui? sp is comming to get me for the lc. i am feeling good about this evening. will have to delegate tasks. dinnerpart at 8 . here. should i have people sit on the floor ? or put up the long tables...depends on how many people show up.i 'm excited that ap is coming. i havent seen him sooo long.. part of me wishes ch was coming....but its all good.i really love how lowkey and drama free this situation with him is.had a "talk' last night and it was, for me, perfect. as he hates that stuff as much as i. wonder what this year will be like. last year at this time i was still with ykw everyday. it was a year ago that my friendship with z went down the tubes. glad that i am over that . dont even really miss her. although there are moments when i wonder about her. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/30/2001 08:07:00 PM ----- BODY: everyone is home or enroute. feel very good. had a nice visit with hil. talked to ns and now organizing for tomorrow. cant hardly figure out what to do first! clean redecorate cook paint .....should be fun. i feel so clear as to what is really going on now. i am just having feelings and they are not facts , obiviously. am feeling overwhelmed with work (lack there of...)so it trickles into my head and other less important areas of my life...so there. all solutioned out. i got it. it's time to purge some of this shit inside me from the last year or so. it's the day before the last day and i am about done with all the excess baggage of others and my own little parcels of shit. i will be gone with them by the nights end, thank u very much. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/30/2001 03:57:00 PM ----- BODY: nice day. woke up - borrowed ch's car got some groceries...well coffe stuff. then ab came and got me and we went to 3 and g , didn't stay. talked to redhaired alison. and colby. then we went to the 11 45 meeting. laren was there so was owen....hmmmm. then ad rs ab and lele and i went for lunch at the vienna cafe . ch stopped by for a visit. then i went over to the store and tried on courds...got two pairs of awesome brown courds ...as part of trade.. nice. then i did some stuff 4 ch here and now i am home thinking about shit. like smoking. and sobriety and living in LA. why am i feeling so damned heavy these past two days? period etc. i guess. but i am feeling very unsettled and i want to know why or MORE importantly...i want a solution. perhaps i should smoke. yep thats it i think. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/30/2001 09:42:00 AM ----- BODY: my head is swirling with info . not good info . but weird sorta bad/ gossipy info. i am not exactly sure what i know to be real and what is -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/30/2001 09:39:00 AM ----- BODY: what a weird evening. went to bed at 8. woke at 3ish. watched tv etc. went back to bed . ? sooo confused. weird odd feel very disillusioned with things. certain things. other things are good. i am just trying to figure out what is really going on -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/29/2001 08:11:00 PM ----- BODY: sign my godamned gbook please. am sitting home , sat eve. dinner at the indian place. yum. ch is here. guess where? ijust went to the video store and rented a few videos- funny thing- i have not done that in years...years LITERALLY -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/28/2001 06:21:00 PM ----- BODY: listening to hm . i dont think i can get sick of this cd ever. his lyrics kill me. they are so good. cause much emotion in me. will paint and draw and write all weekend. and cook. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/28/2001 03:03:00 PM ----- BODY: i installed a guest book....please sign it. i need stuff to do. i 'm bored. what can i write about? how about how i came here; well after traipsing about central america and mexico and colorado and asia attempting trying to find myself and the perfect "high"( at the same time?)..i ended up overdosing on a lethal injection of opiates and cocaine.at my parents home in vancouver. whoops. so i was quickly whisked off to sunny southern california to a nice little rehab called "anacapa by the sea" i , at first, claimed i was there for depression...i WAS not an addict. funny how that changed when i started talking to the kids in there and exchanging 'war stories" of drug use and mine were far SUPERIOR(??) and with much higher risk than those around me...so i suceeded to the group(although not yet to myslef) that i was indeed an addict. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/28/2001 02:08:00 PM ----- BODY: some how i find myself in a state of reflection and need of change. i want to be in la but i want more frommy relationships. i want to be in a place where work is steady and fun. where i am happy about the jobs i ahve and the money iss flowing in , legally. i need to find a person to 'make me legal' fundamental changes are in order for my life. starting with living situation. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/28/2001 10:27:00 AM ----- BODY: put up a new kind of format with a bio on myself?whatever i am just trying to occupy myself. think i'll clean -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/28/2001 10:23:00 AM ----- BODY: trying to figure out tooo much shit. why do i live here? i wish i was on my way to a tropical paridise to swim and surf and eat fruit and meditate and write and relax . i feel disconnected from g-d. what is up with me/ lack of cigarettes,combined with pms? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/28/2001 08:53:00 AM ----- BODY: i am definetly over the way this is at present. i fthere is not a huge shift in the next few days i am out. i did not get sober and work through all this shit to get here in a place where i feel compromised. am i being true to myself? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/28/2001 08:49:00 AM ----- BODY: hmm feeling blue. yesterday felt sorta sick all day. wondering if this situation is all there is or if it is going to get better. i do not like the way things are going at all. feel locked in myself and very frustrated. when i think about what i want i cant seem to get a clear picture. i know it is much more than this. i deserve and owe it to myself to have true joy and happiness. especially now. i need to make a list or something. write out what it is i want and not settle for halfassed ness. why do i let these situations become so lacksidasical? so easy for everyone else. i am not putting any more time or effort into this situation. i will have true joy and happines with or without this in my life. i am fed up with feeling i am around grumps and assholes. i do not need this shit. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/27/2001 05:00:00 PM ----- BODY: test -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/27/2001 09:43:00 AM ----- BODY: just lost a huge post...so bummed. weird xmas. no big parties for me. just lo-key-attempting to quit smoking ugh hard not very fun to be with -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/24/2001 11:08:00 PM ----- BODY: it's been a long time hours since i smoked. a long time. i feel weird. giddy almost and full of fear and ecstactic. this alteration of my life will prove to be enorous on many levels i am sure i just have to committ to not smoking no matter what not smoking no matter what...ch i s asleep on th ecouch he seemed so sad at times this eve, it is xmas eve -we went to the na mtg...then to venice and then canters for dinner and then home. he is having a hard time with gloria and his ex ...death is so unconsolable and personal. i understand that. merry christmas dad jord grandfather grandmother danny john tasha missy.......i love you -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/23/2001 12:03:00 PM ----- BODY: slept poorly allnight. feel a bit "hungover' from lack of sleep. good am, though.larch w/ hil-got some presents. cs came by dinner last night and brought me a present: the dead box set...UNBELIEVABLE. it is so awesome.he is the best present giver ever. weird day.feel ok, but a little like i did something wrong in regards to boy. i am just so used to being accused of being the asshole that i assume that even when it has nothing to do with me. self-obsessed , i guess. i'll have to figure this one out on my own though. my situation is weird . i am definetly into the boy. but i dont feel any need to figure it or him out. good i guess - it feels lacking in some element i am used to... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/22/2001 04:17:00 PM ----- BODY: damn site was down for a whole day-so sick of this hosting company:onedollarhostingSUX k.that said i am going through some sort of transformation...felt feelings this past few days but i am centered enough and close enough to YKW to see it as my perspective being askew and old things cropping up. very interesting when i choose different coping methods for my feelings. odd(yet cool) people helped me ...that irish guy ...mp...(who looked like a babe) ad, bw....ss, of course and lel. love is the source of all my joy and it is constantly accessible..even in la..in the throngs of people wanting soo much..stoopid phony shit attention money FAME. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/20/2001 06:38:00 PM ----- BODY: such an odd day..like reliving my biggest fears and feeling real happiness at the same time. so odd. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/20/2001 10:28:00 AM ----- BODY: lc this am. ch came with. coffee with lel.good to hang w/ him..as we haven't seen much of each other. of late. worried sick (well that is an exaggeration...but close) about $$$. or lack of. noone is paying me..i feel so frustrated having to borrow 4 from home when i am working soo much. it is devastating to my relationship with my mom. fuck. prayer is probably my only answer. is there a god o f money? there are shit load of pics of ie on wireimage.com. a whole page in fact. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/19/2001 10:43:00 PM ----- BODY: one year ago today..i was kissing with l. weird . not sad, just odd. i was tinking about quitting smoking(as i am now) and in mad crazy obsessive lust with ykw. now i am at home, on the computer i bought a little less than a year ago-the ever trusty beautiful g4. with the fancy screen. going over the website i am working on...whilst ch sleeps on the couch. tv is on. just walked max. it's 10 30 ish and i am happy. feels good. just everything in general. mj just called -he is not so good i think..feel awkward talking to him. he did a tv show today and gave me a shout out, though.... jlb is on the cover of the national enquirer today. with bill clinton. must two way her tomorrow and find out what that is about... mjk came back today , met him for lunch with devo and friends..he bought ANOTHR car. very nice though. a lexus hardtop convertible thingy. cool. ns and lala are off on friday for kona so i get the bmw for 3 weeks. sooo cool. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/18/2001 11:30:00 AM ----- BODY: feel weird right now..verging on sad. no reason, except maybe xmas and not being at home and not feeling very xmassy. i should get a tree or something. just me and max, i guess. invited to lots of places for the day-will go to my cousins for day part. see lala and anyone else that is here. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/18/2001 11:22:00 AM ----- BODY: my life seems very full right now..lots of little jobs. lots of sponsees . mtgs. dog. got cable...'cept they gave me the wrong package....i got the religious spanish package. whatever. my cousin brought me a tv over yesterday. i feel very blessed with the way my life goes these days. talked to brent.he might come down in january. been hanging with ch alot. very easy and nice,no drama. thank god. he is cool (and sexy).nice combo. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/14/2001 05:44:00 PM ----- BODY: wow. talk about turn of events. ch came ove ron tues. eve. went for fod. kissed alot. he slept over. nothing has happened other than he sleeping over and me sleeping there. no sex. yet.. soon i think. likeprobably the next time we have a sleep over. i sure like him alot. i like hanging out with him and he loves max and he doesnt mind my being workaholic ish. i like him. and he is a very good kisser. i may be in trouble.good trouble i hope. it's all seems very easy -lo high maintainence shit.such a nice change. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/11/2001 03:36:00 PM ----- BODY: feel annoyed and confiused about why. not pmsing so i can't figure it out. hmm.i know what sorta is bugging me. but it can't be the whole thing.. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/11/2001 03:35:00 PM ----- BODY: lc this am , scott plank gave me a ride. then coffee with jg and chintoe and coley ie came and p/ me up . went to lalas to help her pack etc. then by ch's store. then to see the BABY dog.... then home to work , sorta.. kinda distracted today and i can't seem to focus so i am batch processing pics for MY site..fun. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/10/2001 11:47:00 PM ----- BODY: ns got the new puupy today..."tank" this eve.,actually...ahhh so sweet. he has a blue left eyepatch. we picked him up at the airport this evening..i have been home working since we got back.. got the chance to do an emergency logo thing for the restaurant formely known as lc...interesting..still up working. i'lll take all the work i can get..i need to be making money. weird day. hung out with ns and lel for the afternoon..helped lala with moving..thinking back the day seems very scrambled.as though i didn't have any order for the day. but i got a lot of shit done, which is a good thang. i kissed a boy last night...good kiss , too. very good kiss. look forward to trying it again . (kissing him..not just kissing..) -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/10/2001 12:07:00 AM ----- BODY: pretty cool weekend. coley slept over then in the am on sat. we went to virgin..then to the griddle. cs was there..came to breakfst with us. eird but cool.went to mjk's to meet devo and then swim.then went home and slept. ch came over and took me for dinner then we hooked up his camera and look at some of his tapes. went with hil to larchmont and to do some errands -went to flea mrkt.saw ch there..he had a stand. then went to get xmas pressies with hil. then swingers then home .t hen to kroq with cr ch and ns. ch and i left early and went for dinner at a littl ethai place on sunset. then home. like hanging out with him alot. he's geting cooler and cooler each time. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/08/2001 01:15:00 AM ----- BODY: slept after i finished the work...almost finished the ff layout..waaay easier than i thought. then ns came over..brought me a coffe..sweetboy. then we went to the mall and shopped till 8 then rodeo..left early withthe girls. went to mjk's for dinner.and homade cookies that were so good. i was a bit preoccupied as i have been the last few days.. just trying to figure out why i am (preoccup. that is) kinda confusing. perhaps a bit because of mixed messages from boy and work being sparratic(sp?). i dont know i just feel spacy and not that centered. maybe i just need to have sex i -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/08/2001 01:10:00 AM ----- BODY: feel so bizarre. free floating anxiety/anticipation..for what? "butterflies'in my tummy. weird. nice day though..i was nominated at the cabin..did not win. ah well. did not really feel like having that responsibilty. very nice chat with ad this am. was blue ,she helped in making me feel better. then to mjk's for a swim and layout. so warm and he has the pool at HIGH felt like a mini vacation.then a -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/07/2001 10:09:00 AM ----- BODY: royal tennanbaums premiere this eve.good . went with ie.picked up mjk at restaurant after and went to motorola party..crushed with young floozie types...walked over to the gap party at les deux cafes. fun. many cb's there.neighbour babe was there. ch called later and picked me up and drove me home.i guess he'd been there earlier, but i hadn't seen him. very confused. oh wel, not taking it too personally hmm..not really a big deal.. but definetly a perplexinng one. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/04/2001 09:50:00 PM ----- BODY: lc this am . then to kings road. ap's bday.called and left him a message as he is nyc now. then picked up work to do from hh. came home gg called about uptop. and ch and his friend/artist finn came by for a few hours...to work on their website. (teenagemillionaire.com)loaded out of the blue with projects. good..but no$$ must change that. or do some serious trades.ns was with me all day. fun distraction. ch is coming by(?)to play w/ video camera of his .shoot a bit of me and max. hmm. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/04/2001 06:49:00 AM ----- BODY: missed yoga -went to mjk's for thai food . girl named julie thee..bery nice and an amazing chef , also shannon's bro. came home and choppers were swarming the house....have no idea why still.but it was very exciting for a second. ch came by and brought max a big giant candycane filled with treats. i think they are in love.. .looked at website stuff -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/03/2001 01:28:00 PM ----- BODY: cleaned like a true o/cd this am. mj is mia....fuck. yoga then going to mjk's for dinner this eve. he's making thai food. feel better today. last night i just wanted the weekend to be over. i get lonely(?) or something on the weekends. i really would like to go home for the holidays. i want a gc for xmas -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/02/2001 11:23:00 PM ----- BODY: blah fucking blah. i am feeling sorry for myself. i am sad with pit feeling in my tummy. i am angry that i am alone and wistful. i hate being like this. i can't stand that i still let myself be in this fucking place of darkness and pity. it really disgust me and i want to know peace.all the time. is it possible for me fuck fuck fuck i wish for someone to share my head with and i wish i didn't have this greencard nightmare looming over me. i wish i could just go home if i felt like it. fuck i hate this -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 12/01/2001 02:25:00 AM ----- BODY: so confused. left rodeo to go home and wait for ch to come over and go for food. he showed up at 11 40pm.... went to swingers, but he'd already ate. then came in and ate cake and had tea. played with max. lay around blah blah. felt . . i dunno. right now i would just like some physical-ness. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/30/2001 12:37:00 AM ----- BODY: pissed rain..vancouver-style today. i slept through the meeting and it was great. hil and ns came over and we had coffee and then we read tarot cards(?) went to swingers for lunch -chintoe met us as did ie and ns1 and ah went home and worked till 7ish . ch came by for a visit.talked about putting up a web page for his store. he makes me laugh. funny boy went to mjk's for dinner-he made soup....and cc cookies. watched the apostle. nice rainy day/night. home by midnight ,going to sleep now. if max stops barking..ever. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/29/2001 01:03:00 AM ----- BODY: went to hear lala speak-amazing..z and av were there. weird how things change like that.ss and ns and lala and hil and i went and ate at ie's and watched him on felicity. then we(me ie and la) went to mjk's ,brought him food and watched movies. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/28/2001 06:23:00 PM ----- BODY: time to figure out what i want: a nice stable income and LEGAL staus. a loving sweet gorgeous sexy boyfriend who is madly inlove with me and i him. to quit smoing easly and without gaining anyweight -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/27/2001 07:23:00 PM ----- BODY: i am at ie's right now with lala and ie and irwin. all day i was stuck infront of the computer..working . forgot what it feels like. alittle brain dead...now i am bored and hungry. but i think i have just been looking forward to something -who knows what- and there seems to be nothing ,though, on the immeadiate horizon. i guess also the fact that i had all that fun stuff to do last month -tool shows hawaii vegas etc. and now .. not alot..watching tv at ie's not that there is anything wrong with that.just that i am feeling a little blank -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/25/2001 11:44:00 PM ----- BODY: if there is such a line between insanity andd sane-ness...i sat in a room this evening where it would have been drawn. from where i sat , in some what saness i watched across the floor as completely insane people spoke in ways that sort of made sense. i spoke at a meeting and the sharing afterwards was like a scene from one flew over the cukcoos nest really and trully i had to bite my cheeks so hard in order not to laugh as i listened. but the laughter i felt was just surface- because as i listened to these souls i heard and understood how they got to where they were this evening scary. like if i stepped across this line i would be right there with them quickly and easily. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/25/2001 08:35:00 AM ----- BODY: odd/cool week. could not get into work at all. got back to meetings (lc) hung out with cute boy a bit...he seems endeared by ol' max , at least. he's very cool and sexy - nice to be talking with someone completely new. pissed rain yesterday-vancouver style. it was so nice 'cause i had the perfect excuse to not go anywhere. i stayed in (almost) all day. cleaned -did laundry-had some visitors- watched tv...worked -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/23/2001 12:52:00 AM ----- BODY: week of stillbeing on holiday sort of. went to vegas with lala n hh ..met the boys there . went to u2-amazing concert. the night before i left ch called me- kinda cool convo. then went to hotel with the girls and had a full on slumber party- ordered every dessert on the menu- did 'masks' in our pj's and watched a chick flick. fun. nexxt day we drove home and (i DROVE>>) stopped at whisky pete's for roller coaster and turbo drop ride....then in barstow for in and out. unbelievably long drive-7 hours. that eve , i met mjk and ie at the movies...made them all leave mid movie- went to mjk's for coffe at mmidnight...fun. lala and ns and n were with us. next night the same crew with lel and hh all played grand theft auto 3 and metal gear at ie's. mjk and lala i lay in ie's bed and laughed our heads off.about retarded things. fun. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/17/2001 08:48:00 PM ----- BODY: hawaii to be cont. when i am settled. didn't sleep the first night home- or the next day-went to rodeo saw cute boy. dinner for cr's bday at musso and franks...bw dk ns mjls hh etc. then went to sleep fina-fuckin'-lly then slept all am then to larchmont then everyone left for vegas for the fight and concerts. i am leaving tomorrow am. couldn't deal with leaving tonight. lala and ns are flying w/ me in the am. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/15/2001 08:30:00 PM ----- BODY: just got home from hawaii. oh mah gawd...so much fun, relaxation central. the day we left was chaotic-but everything fell into place perfectly...got to the airport-ie came a little late from photoshott-easy plane trip-car that met us in honolulu was a huge strech limq-took us to the show-found out where we were staying-sent the car and our bags off- walked back stage intime to say hi to everyone -then watched the show... great- it rained and sounded cool very small venue-apparently mjk got stung by a bee in the middle of a song... justin was pelted with shoes.. but it sounded great to us. then to the hotel- amazing secluded palatial space with our own beach and dolphin pool -room nrxt to mjk and j. sat around and chatted that eve. talked with robin for a long time- she was so cool. although she asked a lot about how i knew lorenzo...i was just honest and she was so sweet about it all- i guess l's gf is her best friend. the next day we ate swam relaxed shopped..then met everyone for a big end of the tour dinner at some fancy restaurant- very nice and fun dinner- the wine looked good though.. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/09/2001 02:21:00 AM ----- BODY: twent to hospital then out w/ n for lunch-then slept alll day. thought it was net day when i awoke- went to ns's then to dinner and dancing at ll w/ jg re ah sss etc. ab met us there- he was unsually tired this eve-so it seemed. i feel so serene and ok. i am only stressed when i thinnk about getting organized for hawaii. i have this feeling because i feel as though th e boys are going to be late or lame or whatever- i have sooo much to do tomorrow, -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/07/2001 11:59:00 PM ----- BODY: such a weird feeling came over me- at around 5 30 pm i was awash in grief and anger..no pms...nothing-just rage and sadness . has being with bf at the hospital been affesting me morethan i think? or has my bro being here...i am confused -flipped out at ie and mj about hawaii and then mi about nothing. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/07/2001 07:11:00 AM ----- BODY: hil wrote me the most amazing email..i am under such a trance our friendship is so wild-like it's always been there- but not very prominent til the last year and a half- then whatever happened in both of our lives caused us to come together in a really cool and healthy place. on a shallow note-very confused about hawaii. am i to change the tickets? am i not? is it worth it? whaatttt........ -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/06/2001 03:00:00 AM ----- BODY: dinner w/ mj and brother. hil met us, so did ns. nice mellow les duex for bro djing- cousin came. p wa a huge hit- he is a fucking great dj. lots of people came out- hil had fun, which is important..ss came. she always shows up for me- i love that. bw was there too. ns even came out.. i stayed till the end. - hawaii is back on, but i feel weird about it because it feels like we won't make the show and that is half the reason to go-for me.letting it all go. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/05/2001 03:10:00 PM ----- BODY: brother is here. have yet to see him. spent the a.m. with brent at the hospital. i don't know why i feel so okay with being there. i am not scared of that enviroment- i am scared of boredom and what that does to me,essentially. how do i get to a place of prespective. purpose and sense .whatever that means... i feel lost in a sea of my own life and i am floating aimlessly towards i don't know land and that terrifies me. ambiguity terrifies me. i like definitive. structure that i can manipulate...freedom with purpose does any of this make sense or do i sound like a teenager tryng to figure out free floating angst again? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/04/2001 09:24:00 PM ----- BODY: bloggerlittle butterfly like anxiety going on for me right now. feel very fearful. scared of what/ recent correspondance? weird how i fall into this state of thinking/feeling when someone steps into my life in an intimate manner and i feel like i don't have control of the situation.... fuck. what can i do to change this. i have become so contented with being the 'celebate' one and with htis feeling of no power loss because of it- i am in terror of the possibilities of what could happen if i lose myself in someone else...like my last situation fucked me up so much that i am not willing to risk feelling passionate about anything/one anymore....... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/03/2001 01:20:00 AM ----- BODY: i t has been almost a year of me being celebate, wow. that is pretty coo. i guess it's about time i go tout there- i just feel so uninspired by any boys i've met- i am part shy/part prude-ish/part loving being celebate. or somthing like that -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/03/2001 01:08:00 AM ----- BODY: sometimes i am so perplexed by my life and where i fit in it. i know who is important to me and i know where my intentions lie...(good, mostly) i just get a feeling sometimes that i am living someone elses life and i got here by mistake and 'they'(the big collective 'they'..)are going to find out i am really just a lamo nerdy canadian and i am going to be sent home...hmm. i am feeling good right now- sorta creative and inspired. i may not go to hawaii this week. but that is still pending-whatever is meant to be will happen- the right thing may be that i don't go cause something else, something more awesome is supposed to happen here..who knows? definetly not i. had an amzing visit with ss this eve. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/02/2001 04:53:00 PM ----- BODY: it's friday and i slept almost all day..got home around 2 am, the show last night was amazing. went with ie and hil mj ag ra lel etc. all of la was there-our whole section was "comp " seating-mjk made some funny refrences to the hollywood vermon. saw et , finally met her friend robin, seems very nice, she is coming to hawaii ,also. lots of others there- l 's girlfriend was there with robin, - didn't introduce my self, though-sortof avoided that whole deal.no drama, thanx. ie talked to her for a long time - i just avoided and talked to hawk the whole time. i am so looking forward to hawaii. i realize i have been celebate and single for almost a year. it is so great in so many ways- but also , last night when ie went to get me a coke , i realized how nice it would be to have a "partner" to do stuf with all the time. i guess ie and lel are like that , but it is different. i don't know- it will happen at the right time, i guess. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 11/01/2001 03:42:00 AM ----- BODY: i will fill in briefly what the last few day have been like...saturday..Janes addicione at the hollywood bowl w/ jo mj bw cr r and ie and sl and shel. amazing perry ferrell is soo fucking cool and authentic amazing box seats- i have to skip to this eve...last night i drove down to san diego with hil and lel in ie's truck - we stayed in la jolla at the hilton- watched a movie and ordered room service. woke -drove to airport and p/up ie. then went down to 'harry cafe' in la jolla na ddove around and saw ie's grandparents old house. then we went to downtown and met mjk etc at the hotel..so great to see mjk. then we wlked with hawk to a sushi place and the boys sat and ate and hil and i went shopping..sorta looking for a costume but not really. then we went back to the hotel and wentt o the stadium for sound check...it was so cool..it was like a concert for the 4 of us....mjk and i had a nice visit- he seems to have had some fun on this part of the tour. more later -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/27/2001 01:14:00 AM ----- BODY: nico's bady this eve at le dome...euro trasho centralo...but i must say nico had quite the crew show uo for him- it was nice- bw and the boys dropped by later- ie and sl and hil and ad and rs and jg and ah etc were all there. actually, ad and rs came outr last night to moomba and the lounge- which was fun. lots of girls around these days- i sure love it- never had this before. i went with lou,(to nico's) which was nice. sat with micheal birnbaum, who i rreally enjoy tomorrow night going to janes addiction YEAH jeffry is picking me up at 7 30 am .best be going to bed. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/25/2001 06:17:00 PM ----- BODY: bloggerso much fun stuff coming up- janes addiction, nico bady-lou's bday-tool-hawaii...oh my goodness, i am excited. this eve i have to go to a burberry store party w/ jg..but it will be over early -then dinner w/ah and hil(?) and then dancing!! yeah. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/24/2001 06:19:00 PM ----- BODY: feeling so on it.. like i am capable and responsible..or at least on my way to being that way. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/24/2001 03:34:00 PM ----- BODY: here i am back in front of this computer- and i feel so into doing work. weird. love it. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/23/2001 01:11:00 AM ----- BODY: don't know why i don't write very often-just forget with work and being in front of this all day. went to les duex this eve with jg and shelly..fun..mellow for me-even though it was packed. dk was there. lel 's dad is in a coma-had a very bad motorcycle accident and lel was at the hospital all day-met him at swingers later- feel so sad for him-describing the dynamic of being in the hospital and stuff made me really sad about my dad.i wonder what it would be like if my dad was alive now- would he be down here visiting me alot? would mom be sober? weird to think about that. i still think about L sometimes- a year ago now (?) we were spending sooo much time together- what a fucking cool period that was. i realize , now, that what i loved about it was having someone see me...really see me. and spending so much time talking with another person who wasn't related to my LA life- felt like i had known him forever..or something. hmm.weird life. i've begun a process in my life of letting go of soo much shit and i am just realizing it, now. i feel like i want to down size even more- i purged all my excess shit form my house this weekend and have purged so much else over the last few months- feels clean and easy right now. my life, that is.-no car -no relationship-(of the romantic variety) wild . i am totally free of this strain and social maintainence i used to feel. fantisizing alot about being away on a tropical island .. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/19/2001 02:18:00 AM ----- BODY: life is so odd. went to jane's premire last night-very gory, but she did great, despite the assholes from here past haunting her. today spent the day with ie- fun, haven't hung like that i a long tome , it seems. felt great. this eve went to playstation party ...alisia keyes 'played' very boring to me, musically. although there was soo many cute boys it was ridiculous. went to latinlounge for dancing later,ah went home sick, so i got dropped off and ss and av and jo were there weird thing happened - as i was dancing a purse and two drinks got dropped on me..from the balcony. all at different times..ugh left after the second drink hit feel a bit sad, for no particular reason. as hough i miss someone or something, but idon't know what. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/16/2001 02:33:00 AM ----- BODY: la dee da. girls night out. fun. me ss ah paula her friend amanda and hil and we went to josephfs- the cuteboy of the moment was there- soo sexy and cool. then we went to les deux-so stress free when i hang with just girls- i have soo much fun dancing and not worrying about the conquests the other boys are trying to make=girls , in general, just want to dance and look- boys are in a hurry and trying to git sum. home now- bed- lc in am- then sl 's work for attempt at job prop. then ie's computer, perhaps and then to help jane find an outfit for the premier... i'm going to hawaii on the 9th of december..i am so psyched- will see the band on the 10th and then just chill for 5 days...YEAH YEAH -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/15/2001 04:28:00 PM ----- BODY: feeling sad in a selfish way- like i have in the past- as though i am not important in the lives of those i love so much...i hink it isn't true at all it is just my perspective and scewed thinking from my past experiences. i am mad at ie for going to get a computer w/out me and being mad at me this am. i am wondering why it is getting me so down- perhaps the level of competion and concealment i feel is at a high point and i need to get over it i need to pray or something. i duuno. had fr lesson today with franklin and now i am going to help ie set up his computer- i guess. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/13/2001 07:49:00 AM ----- BODY: dinner last night was fun- a huge table, yet i knew everyone really well and there was no bill problems- i love that. nico ad rs lel hil ab cs aw jh rf ah and her bro...etc etc funny how time changes everything- a year ago i wouldn't have believed that ths group could sit together -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/12/2001 05:44:00 PM ----- BODY: .last year at this time i was seeing cs , i think. weird. wasn't that into him at the time- more into fooling around with someone. supposed to be flying to neworleons in two weeks for tool. hmm. i think i'd rather go see them here na din sd. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/12/2001 05:42:00 PM ----- BODY: super fun dancing last night. no cb's. well alot but nothing inteesting. jane is staying here till her premiere next week. from hell..scary movie.not really looking forward to it but i'll try and sit through it, i guess. feel anxious and ant to settle down a bit. fee floating anxiety...no, more like anticipation..but for what?rodeo??!!i don't think soo.hmm maybe it's a premeditatie thought intuition or something. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/11/2001 05:07:00 PM ----- BODY: i have a piece of glass or something-o-rother stuck in my foot - it was sorta bothering me-not too much though- till today ..now ifeel like vomiting and break into a cold sweat whenever i accidentily put any pressure on it. i don't have health insurance so ican't go to the doctor and so i am soaking it in salt water and pouring hydrogen peroxide on it. i am MOST worried that i will not be able to dance this eve. perhaps i will have to sterelize some tweazer and preform surgery... on a more pleasant note- jane and i went to the alley and got some cool sheet this am. had lunch w/ ah, hil and paula. decide we would get a drawing group together.. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/10/2001 04:31:00 PM ----- BODY: seems i don't have anything interesting to write about..so i'm going into my archives. when i was thirteen i remeber going over to michelle siemens house, a 3 bus away neighbourood, and her parents were in the middle of a divorce so we had free reign at her mom's-cause she was depressed and not really around. i remember thinking they seemed different-as though they were from the states : always allowed to watch tv and eat whatever they wanted ,their house decorated like a sitcom. we congregated in her basement(foreign concept- as we never had a house with a basement..) and i was seated in a chair with shawn clements- he liked me and i think we were 'going around' or something--all i recall is turning my head and him kissing me somewhat awkwardly-and sticking his tongue in my mouth- we sat in the chair ,sides touching as we madeout for, like ,20 minutes and everyone around us talked and laughed and the whole time i was mortifyed and wanted to stop-but i believed this was what i was supposed to do.. hmmm. next time i madeout was with brock grey...didn't ike him very much but liked the feelings induced from kissing him. he bought me a bob marley cd and smoked pot and carried me over the puddles on the way home from the mall. then it was scott mackenzie-didn't really like him either- same with jason dewolfe- i just took the kissing where i could get it. hmm..mini slut i guess. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 10/07/2001 12:43:00 AM ----- BODY: went to cc 's wedding today...didn't stay long...i left because i found myself sitting at a table with 5 strangers who couldn't have been more pleased to be sitting right next to the bar...needless to say , i wasn't feeling that comfy when every two seconds i was asked if i wanted a drink.. ..not to mention the fact that the table was up and in the back corner-looking down on all my friends sitting together . i felt very left out and weird-no self pity though- just sorta as though i was being punished and banned to the corner- but, seeing as i am sober and try to work this spiritual program- i chose to not sit in my shit nor cause any shit- just leave quietly and take care and say a little prayer for all as i left- very nice eve it turned out to be- went to the met and saw sean penn and one half of david and david do a reading -was invited out with them for drinks- instead of that though, i went to meet hill and bw and cr and tim for a late dinner - very pleasant - now home ... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/30/2001 10:07:00 PM ----- BODY: i live in a tri plex-an old art deco style house converterd into 3 apartments...my upstairs neighbours have changed alot in last few years- but presently it is a nice couple, whom i know through a few degrees of seperation...and in front is the rosenfelds. this is a predominatly hassidic neigbourhood and they are hassids. awesome young family consisting of abe, leah and their three kids: isaac goldie and sari..7, 5 and 3. behind us there is this sad family with a dad and two kids-the dad is obiviously a drug addict or something and his son, marcus is a troubled young man of about 16, who finds refuge over here-walking my dog or playing bb with issac. as i was sitting in bed earlier today..(my bedroom sits at the back of the house with my windows opening to the garge/bb court area..) i listened as abe instructed his rabbi friends in building their 'sukkas' for the religious holiday that is upon them( from what i can tell this particular holiday consists of a lot of drinking inside this 'sukkas' thing they build ) and marcus instructing issac on his shot and sari being bossed around by goldie as they played house...all while the boys next door recorded there album for all to hear. i -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/29/2001 01:06:00 AM ----- BODY: long-ish day-after a very late eve. went to ll lastnight w/ ah.fun. this eve went to rodeo and then picked up irwin(ie went to ps to see his dad..) went to intermezzo w/ lel mj ad ss nico ab rf mf ah etc etc sooo many people - ad had lead the meeting - very good job, i might add. then went to see cousin m dj at lava lounge. home now-working on dn and trying to calm the dogs down -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/25/2001 05:00:00 PM ----- BODY: haven't posted in a long while-been a weird week. dog ate my bank card.sounds like a joke but it's true-on sat a.m. had to have a new card fdexed to me from bc. still isn't here-ugh-i hate borrowing money from peope. oh well. learning to'receive' iguess. saw et last night=1rst time in months it was soo great tosee her- invited me to dinner thing for yomkippur on thursday. ie may come with. mjk asked me and ie to come to new orleons for the voodoo fstival- i really want to go- we'll see, though. seeing ajp tis eve-e's meeting me here at 7:15pm for whatever and dinner.(at newlly reopened LC) party on sat night at jenifer nic's house-quite an event . -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/18/2001 01:54:00 AM ----- BODY: feel like i want to live my life differently -mre life and joy and sheet init..added to it. more authentic-ness. this eve iwent to les duex .sorta fun-av was very"down" saw brian-he's so funny. mostly hung with rm and hil and ab. it's ajp's bday today(wednesday) have yet to see him-perhaps on thursday we will have dinner. hs 10 am tomorroww. thought alot about lc today-was listening to the foo fighters all day and remembering how weird and intense that period was... such is life- -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/15/2001 11:14:00 AM ----- BODY: HAppy birthday ab...i love you. thankyou for being such an amazing inspiring loving cool kind smart funny intersting lowkey drama free friend. it is through friendships like ours that i grow to trust and learn to open my heart and believe in shit.... thankyou to your mom and dad for creating such a rad individual as yourself. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/13/2001 01:50:00 AM ----- BODY: went to ns's helped him set up computer. he is having a hard time ...he and k broke up on sunday and he is struggling to work through it. i admire him very much. he is trying to do the right thing for himself and 'grrow' for lack of a better term... it's awesome to watch and i feel really honored to be a support for him. had dinner at lala's w/mj ws hil and ss. then ns and i rode up to the coffe house and met ab and ty.. ty lost many yesterday. 4 people on a plane.. so weird and sad and fucked up. what is going to happen. everything feels different.the way of the world is altered forever.protocal and boundaries are blown away. i don't know what to think ..how far ahead -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/12/2001 06:13:00 PM ----- BODY: not having a tv is good- i was at ie's all day yesterday glued to it. today feels more comfortable(my thinking, that is..)i am less scattered and more "in my body' -if you will.. i guess the events of yesterday ,the HOROR of what happened, has sunk in somewhat- what i am really aware of right now is my foreigner-ness. i am having intense feelings to some of my closest friends reactions to it. their seeming ignornance about intolarence and how the US is viewed. i am NOT saying it is justifyed action on the US - it is definetly a henious inhumane violent terrible horrible tragic situation ....i am just aware of the fact that i am not born and raised here-and i have picked up a lot of perspective on how others see the us. most of my family/friends in LA and ny haven't had the opportunity to spend anytime outside of the western world for any lenghts of time and they get most of their ideas from cnn. not that there is anything wrong with any of this-it's just very interesting... madeline Albright is amazing - hearing her speech yesterday made me feel a little hope for some peaceful moments-most of the other senators etc. were very quick and angr- she was thoughtful and open about grieving . before she spoke of anger and retaliation she talked about the victims and families and devastation...and how the world needs to retaliate-with the us-to honor democract and all it has brung us. it's sometimes hard to realize an event like this could effect anyone and everyone DIRECTLY -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/12/2001 12:36:00 AM ----- BODY: seems so pious to think about filling in the details of my life over the last few days- today seems like a dream- the first call i got was from ie at 6;50am then i went to the lc and it was weird. eerie and grey...which in and of itself isn't wierd,because the weather has been grey for a few days, but this am-prior to knowing what had happened, i noticed how light and cool the sky looked-all pink clouds on blue pre-sunrise sky...(red sky in morning..sailor take warning?) everyone around me tday has had different reactions to this. i feel overwhelmed and powerless and scared and sad and ...odd. sorta like the day jord died. like i am in a dream and i can't quite grasp the totality of it all . tired now-felt like a long ass day. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/08/2001 12:22:00 AM ----- BODY: felt funky all day. almost flu-ish but not quite. jennifer came to breakfast with ie and a host of others. then later mom and i met lrk ie amnd mj at fred segal-fun, buying the boys pants etc. then to rodeo. felt gross there-dinner with TOO many people..par usuale for friday eve. girls that we saw at crazygirls the other eve were with us..odd(?) ike was at rodeo-he almost grabbed my chest...he did this so i would write abou him in here.... trully a lovely man, he is. ab's sponsor. met him a few newyears ago and he entertained me and the group of scared kids i had over here that millenium eve. don't see him much though... trully a lovely man, ike is. he is ab's sponor -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/07/2001 12:07:00 AM ----- BODY: good eve.dinner w/ mj and hil and ab. then home .ab came over and visited mom.then we went to latin lounge . fun. saw cb. came home early to get up for the lc and save seats for ie and guest. then tomorrow- mom and i will go through my shit and purge all unneccassry sheet. ahh. now al i need is a gc. probably eat with lel and his ma. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/06/2001 05:23:00 PM ----- BODY: my old foe-fear has crept up- due to lack of monetary supplies, par usuale... when will it end/ spent a few day s away at a fancy hotel at the beach-mom paid- but came home to bills p the ass. and the ever late paychecks i seem to be getting in this new work format-mutha fucka- ahh well. ie and i are looking to rent a house somewhere . in the hills with a pool. i'm psched for that-same rent as we pay now- but combined we could get a bitchin place. and he has playstation.. ate with mp and mh and cv the other am-mom got to meet everybody=which was nice. then i met jennifer- mjk 's girlfriend- for lunch-that was nice- feel bad for her , though. he's gone out on the road again and it seems she doesn't have very many friends here- withoout him around. sweet girl, though. probably eating with mj and mom tonight. had anice meal with jc at cafe med the other night- -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 9/02/2001 12:33:00 PM ----- BODY: what a fucking fantastic weekend i have had....thursday eve i met mjk ,ie,ab, liza ,lel and ag for dinner-then ie mjk ag and i went to crazy girls(??!!) it was really fun(ny) mjk is so much fun- then spent all day friday up at his house by the pool - swimming etc. then he cam e to rodeo with us -to hear lel speak-he was soo awesome-felt like a proud parent.. mjk knew alot of people there-they all thought he was getting 'sober" then the npalm for dinner-sat we spent the day at his house again-then had people over up there- for pizza and night swimming-fun. had coffe with hil this am-then mi and i cleaned the house and now i'm off to the airport to p/up my mom -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/29/2001 12:01:00 AM ----- BODY: my life feel sfull and good right now-it is all based on the relationships i have in my life- they are all relatively stress and maintainence free. feels like this the first time in my lifee i don't have high maintainence people around me-like when i got freaked and stressed today everyone around me was cool and loving and forgiving etc. how did this happen? i am happy and calm(ish) -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/28/2001 11:59:00 PM ----- BODY: weird day. bad am. breakfast was good-lisa and ie and thor(?) then to ie's -only to leave right away(after he lent me the bronco...) to see hs.then left hs early to meet with hil and her art director for a quick job-that took allday-but the guy-justin-was fun and cool-lel and candace came over and we hung out- then david and karen came over for a mtg-too busy-then to larchmont-met a friend of lel , who took my card for more work... then home chilled out a little- talked to jo on the phone - walked up the street for a brief aa interlude-then lel picked me up and we went to dinner w// ie candace and maynard. then the boys went out and left me the porsche to drive home-i need to own one of those sometime... now home -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/25/2001 11:14:00 AM ----- BODY: went to see a band at the viper room on tuesday..w/ ie and candace and billy and draven and a few others i just met. hung out with j at ie's for a minute-very nervous and uncomfortable(me0 felt 'set-up' had fun at rollingstone/gap thing on thursda eve. brian was there- always have fun with him.met the sexiest man -well..didn't actually'meet' him-perse, but we kept bumping into eachother and i pulled an awesome move-told ab to approach himas he left. he got my number....weehoo. thanx ab,aka pimp dadd. work is good-tg is great. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/22/2001 06:04:00 PM ----- BODY: meeting with tg was great. he as very cool and down to earth and canadian. went to hangout with j yesterday- at ie's. he is sooo cool and sweet and sexy. he was going to go to reading for the festival today but decided not to go at the last minute. i am going to nyc to see them play in 5 or 6 weeks. should be fun... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/20/2001 06:25:00 PM ----- BODY: lc this am - then breakfast w/ mp and candace and ie and lh etc. fun. then worked all morning- then to the pool - ie went to a bbq last night and tried to get me to go- i didn't feel up to it- and i guess i am glad 'cause the girl who had it "knew " who i was . she is friends with et and that whole crew- et was there, also. felt weird when ie said something about it today. i hope j isn't friends with them=feels so unsafe and icky when i know people know who i am but don't know me. i hate it, alot. i am meeting w/ tg tomorrow and jlh is coming into town, too. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/19/2001 01:46:00 AM ----- BODY: overwhelmed-lots of work-messy house-over committed myself 'personally'-everything feels oc. chaos even though it doesn't look like it from the outside- i just need to manage my time better- tommorrrow i will wake and get coffe and start cleaning-make a list of shit that needs to get down,workwise...and then plow through till afternoon. fun night-dinner w/ie and l and d. at intermetzzo. i laugh with ie sooo much. went to mk's house today- he seems cool. i have a huge crush on j. soo tired and overwhelmed-supposed to go t et's opening this eve- but i feel weird about it -like she wouldn't want me there- ie was game-he talked to her for awhile at the concert the other eve, i guess. but we didn't go -it was just as well- i had fun at dinner-laughed so hard at ie's stories. he got a -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/15/2001 05:06:00 PM ----- BODY: wow. been off line for a week-crazy. good to be back, but a nesaccary break. too much going on and not enoughat the same time... went to laguna for the pageant of the master on sunday with leland and famille...fun nice cool. tool was here last night. in sd this eve-we were going to go down for it-but now i think not. driving ap and lisa to the airport (going to italy) instead-not a greaty trade off-but i am being of service.. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/07/2001 11:37:00 PM ----- BODY: haven't written in so long-things are weird-good weird, i guess. i have noticed how much i have actually changed through this past year . i mean i know i 'grew' or whatever. but i am aware that , organically , i am different-my actual responses and actions and motivating factors are totally new and different. my experiences over the last year have caused me to be very unattached and able to see through certain behaviours- i don't believe people like i used to. i am completely protective of myself. i really do know what's best for my heart etc. in friendships and romantic entanglements. i feel a little sad- as though i just woke up and i'm not a kid any more. but somehow i am putting out some sort of energy that is attracting very interesting and cool relationships. i really like the people around me- i feel excited about the day when i wake up=such a good feeling. i remember someone saying to me once that all they wanted was to wake up happy and when they said it-it totally broke my heart -i remeber feeling so sad for them-but then i also remember feeling the exact same thing in march ... and now i am again waking up happy, that is.. certain areas that inotice indelible marks of the last few years are: the way i deal with my own resentments-like i know they are petty as soon i feel them come up-there is almost no time between the grumpythought/then the resolution of letting it go. i am tired of feeling like a child..hurt by peoples judements. it is my 'dharma' to be judged -and i can still live the life i want and be happy EVEn if people don't like me or talk shitty stupid lies gossipy stuff about me and my life. what a concept -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/05/2001 12:50:00 AM ----- BODY: mellow weekend-rodeo dinner last night w/.ah leland and mi.nce. then here and fooled around with lelands comp. listened to muzac-today virgin.scott spoke-called on me randomly. thrn cb w/ leland and ah. then slept then met lak and her sis at fred segal. then to meet ab for lunch at sushi macc-leland and i went shopping at the computer store afterwards. fun. then home-and dinner at la lona w/ ap lak and a bunch of brits. nice evening. then they all went out and i headed home. bath played on computer and worked abit. bed now, i think. ie and sl went to sd for the weekend on a ....mission-"seaquest2000" called me a bunch.sl got a puppy..i am sooo excited to see it. it's a 6 week old english staffishire terrier-like irwin.named 'enzo' i am ecited about the event tomorrow, good music fun. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/02/2001 12:17:00 PM ----- BODY: played gestures at ie's w/ steve and jlh and ie. so damned funny . steve is the funniest person i have ever met in my life-by far. you couldn't invent a character thi funny.he's completely mad. this am had coffe. with ajp-runyon w/ ie andsteve. then breakfast and cb. ran into alot of people along the way -rob, ashley,lak, adam(cb..) jimmy and charles. waiting for trevor to come over now to do some finishing layout stuff. then mj and i are going out then meeting lak's sister, who is town from london and then up to ie's. feel happy and content. nothing to stressful except being vehicless for a few days-- driving miss allison. i love driving around with ie and the dogs and listening to music. he and i have the same music obsession thing so we can drive and not talk -he never turns it down or wrecks a song by talking-i love that. it's a rare quality, though. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/01/2001 04:23:00 PM ----- BODY: soo tired-was goingt o go to the pool, but i think i will sleep-ie and i are going to p/up jlh at the airport at 7 -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 8/01/2001 01:41:00 AM ----- BODY: just got home. this was sent to me..randomly by who , i do not know..but i like When you put a cargo on board a ship, you make that venture on trust, For you know not whether you will be drowned or come safe to land. If you say, "I will not embark till I am certain of my fate," then you will do no trade. The secret of these two destinies is never disclosed. The faint-hearted merchant neither gains nor loses, nay he loses: one must take fire in order to get light. Since all affairs turn upon hope, surely Faith is the best object of hope, for thereby you win salvation. (RUMI) hmmmm jlh is coming in tomorrow. saw chrles this eve. weird, -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/31/2001 02:40:00 PM ----- BODY: weird am-went to lc and my real true fake boyfriend crush was there and he talked to me....'hi..how are you?""uh uh good..how are you?" and i just kept walking without really waiting for a reply because i was soo thrown off and nervous that he turned and talked to me. god, what a dork i am. oh well. i think crushes are better left unknown sometimes. EXACTLY went up runyon w/ draven and and jude and ag and steve...whole gang of dogs, too. then cb then then leland came and got me and we came over here and listened to 'faithless' and watched the dvd video. cooool. wonder who made that video it is so unreal. lunch w/ lak in lrchmnt.now working...sorta. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/31/2001 01:51:00 AM ----- BODY: av is very bitter. doesn't seem like a happy girl-at all...grateful it's not my life. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/31/2001 01:50:00 AM ----- BODY: am-runyon w/ ie and steve and the dogs-then cb then home -then up to the pool- then swingers- then home-worked for 4 hours-then ie steve jude aw and rs came over (ag and mi were along for it all) we hung here for a minute then went to les duex- danced-met leland there- bw, dk, (ab of course)...lots o fcuteboys... joshua was there-haven't seen him since his bday..so good to see him. then home. little drama(not mine thank god) with the end of the night pairing off scenario- i just ignored it and told the parties involved to chill... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/29/2001 07:59:00 PM ----- BODY: went to ie's - his friend steve was there- ie gave him a mullet , which was sooo awesome. billy and draven came over- it was fun: went swimming and hung out . -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/29/2001 04:37:00 PM ----- BODY: feel so much happiness right now-slept in -parties were lame. i was very shy as usual and felt awkward at the aids thing-then we left and went to the big party- someone at the first party asked me to go hear their friends band play at the martini lounge..ambrsea. how odd and random. would have liked to have gone and heard them-but i guess that is a bit innappropriate-oh well. hopefully one day i'll get to hear them play live again. the 2nd party was weird- all these different levels and we had vip but it still sucked. bad music. went to eat with leland -that was the best part of the eve, for sure. picked up mj at the airport this am the went to lunch w/ ws bw etc. funny . then wewe nt the farmers market and n=bought flowers and i met the coolest ady-started talking about meditation -she was so spiritually tuned in. now waiting to go to ie's to go swimming-then bbq -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/28/2001 11:22:00 AM ----- BODY: jlh spoke this am. it was so sad and happy . i am so happy she is my friend. i trust her . ie was really upset and it was touching.brkfst at the coffe house, now to cb then jlh's foro ne last g'bye and taking irwin and max on a walk and then to the pool. parties this eve. aids benefit thing then dance party. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/28/2001 07:14:00 AM ----- BODY: jlh is leaving today-helped her move yesteday. had dinner with all her friends-then i drove mi home and went to plant of the apes at universal i max with ie and billy and draven. we had fun. i wasn' going to go, but ie 'persuaded' me and i 'm glad idid. even though i didn't get home till 1/'30am and i hav to be somwhere at 7:45am....oh well i 'll sleep later. excited about tonight. going to lay out at the pool all afternoon, i think. felling good, albeit a bit knackered. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/27/2001 10:52:00 AM ----- BODY: lak just did 20/20.oh mah gad. how awesome-amazing.....incroyable. they are flying her to ny tomorrow to finish the 'segment' and they're flying her bf from london over for the interview. soo cool. jlh is moving tomorrow-back to portland. met rick last night. like him alot. went to dinner and club w/ ab last night. had soo much fun w/ him. goofy fun. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/25/2001 07:03:00 PM ----- BODY: feeling odd-as though i am drifting aimlessly in my life. no direction or longterm goals that i can put in words-otherthan inner peace and happiness.. the odd part is not so much this drifting feeling-but the feeling that i am not depressed or scared or anxiety ridden in any capacity-i am feeling easy and peacful-as though i know somewhere in my subconsciouness that everything will work out better than i can think up... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/24/2001 11:19:00 PM ----- BODY: went to magic mnt yesterday w/ ie and jlh and aw..met billy and draven there. they are cool. i met them at the gush show rhe other night, but they seemed way funer this time. lak 's life is exploding-she is going on 20/20 next week and they want to make a movie of her book. so crazy. i am at a crossroads-don't know where i want to be. asking for signs from the universe, but i am missing them or they aren't coming in. though,i have felt remarkabley lighter after writing email to ykw. it was bothering me so much to hear third party versions of what he/ i said did ...i felt victimized, which i guess was useless, and then i just woke up the other morning, after shutting it out of my thoughts and life for weeks-and i knew tha i had to "right' my part and let him know i wasn't unregretful or whatever...basically that i was sorry for confusion i caused by listening to thierd party advice and allegations and basing my opinions on those. because our whole friendship was so private and special and intimate i guess i felt so shocked when i was laid into ,by that other person, who made me feel as though i had intenionally hurt and betryaed her friend, whom i didn't know then and don't know now. i felt slandered and unsafe and manipulated and pumped for information-which is all true-but i let those feelings taint my friendship with ykw, when i guess, essemtially he was in the same boat .. ahh wwell. allit boils down to for me is this: i realize how short and precious life is and how important it is to protect myself from other people. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/20/2001 01:21:00 PM ----- BODY: hmm idid a post this am and it is gone. oh well. i have been sleeping all week, practically. some sleeping sickness i have. annoying, it is. swam at ie's alot. went to a party at the sm pier on wed, much fun w/ ab ag and mi. having a party this eve for shalas bday. should be fun. dog just farted and it smells so awful... did runyon the last three am's w/ ie. and the dogs. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/16/2001 09:27:00 PM ----- BODY: feel so odd-i've slep soo much over the last 3 days , it is scaring me. i don't know quite what is up with my system, i think i am detoxing frm something-sugar? coffee? who knows , but everything is a struggle, mentally. i can't seem to focus on anything and i have a very short fuse for everything and everyone- pms coupled with epstien barr or something. iam confused and soo tired all the time. i am lacking in coordination, too. i also feel the worst after i eat . and i am having odd cravings for sugar that seem very potent.. mutha fucka. it is scaring me and leading me to fuck up certain relationships which upsets me as well. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/14/2001 01:06:00 AM ----- BODY: went swimming at ie's all sfternoon. spent the eve with lak. god i really love being friends with her... feels so comfortable. went for dinner and ran into alison (red) and debroah(?)i really felt comfortable in my skin this eve,which is odd that i notice that, but i guess i am doing somuch "work" on ridding myself of inner sheet that i feel good. saw the coolest band this eve: GUSH the lead singer rawked so hard-she nspired me in many ways-to be a rawk star , mostly, i guess. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/13/2001 01:35:00 AM ----- BODY: the night was good-although it started off roug.i was feeling very nauseous earlier-hyperglycemic perhaps? went for dinner with lak and jlh and ab then mia nd ag met us-funny easy company.drama free for me. then to ie's and we played games with a cracked out kid named curtis-pure entertaiment-he's on his way to rehab tomorrw, so he is staying with ie . great mtg this am in THE VALLEY(?)i can hardly believe i just said that but i am thinking i'll go back every thursday.whoosh.guess things are changing for me... told jlh my whole life story (sorta) last night-felt good to tell someone all the details of the last little while and listen from a-not-knowing-anyone perspective- ie is a funny boy i laugh soo much around jlh and ie.feels good. talke dto mj this eve, he seems blue, being out on the road and he got hurt on the court today. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/12/2001 07:14:00 PM ----- BODY: someone sent me these to answer so i'm doing it here: what would you do differently today if you had been given 1million dollars? i would talk to a really well recommended money manager. i would figure out what my budget was monthly and weekly. i would pay my mom back . i would cancel my b of a account and get a credit crd with a good small nice bank. iwould hire a lawyer to help me with my status. i would buy a brand new car -r ight off the lot .fully insured.. i would go furniture shopping. i would hire dave r. to paint my place . i would get an alarm system i would fly a group of friends somewhere(bali) for a few weeks. i would hire a realtor to find me a place to buy. i would donate alot of my stuff that i hold onto" just in case' and buy new stuff. i woul get my teeth fixed.and buy health insurance -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/10/2001 01:52:00 AM ----- BODY: dinner with ss jlh mi and ag-then to les deux...danced to the greatest dj-beasties extravaganza. so much fun with ss. we goout well together-saw that guy nicki p or whatever his name is-said the same weird thing about thinking about me this week. how odd. fun with other andrew , too. he asked me to go skating with him sometime. feels good right now-to be where i am. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/09/2001 07:46:00 PM ----- BODY: day :woke-lc-lulu's for brkfst w/jlh , mi, wl,rs, cl etc; then on to larchmont w/ jlh . she is so great- one of those people i feel like i could talk to forever. then home work-then met will at fred segal- then ie and jlh at swingers and then to ie's for a swim - nice mellow unprohuctive day. dinner with ss jlh mi ag and jbl. then to les duex? in a very whateverish mode-not bad -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/09/2001 12:41:00 AM ----- BODY: it si so weird to be living here in hollywood and leading the life i do. if anyone had told me that this is where i'd be : with this house and the dog and the friends i have; i would have thought them kukoo -a few years ago. i was just up at the cat and fiddle with some random people and i was looking around and i felt like i was in someone else's life-as if i had jumped into someone elses body one morning-by accident and here i was, amidst all this oddity -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/09/2001 12:31:00 AM ----- BODY: somuch on my mind-yet i feel weird-differen tin a god way- i tink, i do't feel too much pressure, considering the work load i have. i feel easy and like everything is going to turn out so great , because it really already is... doesn't really make sense but that's ok tonight i had dinner with dk-fun and nice -we listened to a perry farrell cd he bought,after dinner in the car. we have a lot of fun together, he and i. as insane as he is, i guess i am too, because i get him on certain levels, that others do not. boys and i are a weird topic. i feel like i am in a holding pattern- i'm not looking for real an di don't feel the need to just hook up with anyone. i am sussing it all out., i guess. lak and i had a friend breakthrough thing last night- i left ie's really pissed and when she called i told her the truth about being mad and she didn't get mad at me, she listened and accepeted my feelings as they were and she totlally showed up for me. i feel so blessed to finally have a friend who trust's me and i trust 100 percent -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/08/2001 11:54:00 PM ----- BODY: at the party i found myself becoming grateful for not having to be that way-super seeking love attention money whatever. the way they al dress is so uninspiring and unoriginal-makes it hard to tell the difference between them all. sad to me. saturday-meeting with jc and breakfast with gruop-then to ie's for swimming all afternoon -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/08/2001 07:17:00 PM ----- BODY: such an odd weekend -don't know where to begin. fridy...rodeo, swingers w. lak w and shala, then to party at justin murdoch's ohh mah gawd,,unbelievable. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/06/2001 01:08:00 PM ----- BODY: spent the am at lc then norm's everthing seems to be changing round me-yet not me. i am feeling great. confidant and healthy and hopeful-went for a walk with leland up runyon-with dogs, now going to speak at a meeting.bliss cafe? last night i ate dinner with bw-he's back from nyc. great to see him-although he was exhausted from lack of sleep. wnet to hc with ab for a while-we had such a nice visit. feel as though he trully knows me. rare and safe feeling for me. mi is having a tough time due to a situation she was put in on the 4th. really seems to have shaken her world up. jb was with us for breakfast this am-so good to have her around-if only for a few weeks(she goes back to ny to start the show again in a couple of days..) don't miss a or z at all anymore-feel unburdened-finally free of the fear that i wa s put under by being scared of walking on someones toes.... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/06/2001 12:58:00 PM ----- BODY: inieresting am... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/06/2001 12:04:00 PM ----- BODY: try to -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/02/2001 08:50:00 PM ----- BODY: i want to protect this feeling of rejuvination i have from this weekend. i don't know how, though. LA life creeps back in so insidiously and soon i'll forget what i remembered ,up there. maybe if i follow through on the thoughts and ideas i had coming down yesterday. like biking everyday. to and from the lc. getting in a kayaking trp this summer. going to the beach more than NEVER.practicing my lessons. runyon with max.writing the letters i decided to write. painting. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/02/2001 11:17:00 AM ----- BODY: ie is back!! yeah! i missed him(although i didn't realize it till this am...) he was in europe with tool. had much fun, i gather. had breakfast with lak ie re mom and ra... funny. good. feel so refreshed from my weekend sojourne. attempting to buy a car from this dude who is sooo much like a drug dealer ,it is eerie. grosses me out. ahh well. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 7/01/2001 04:59:00 PM ----- BODY: unbelievable weekend. drove up the pch, to montecito-so amazing- with mom and jen . arrived at the ranch around 3pm. lots of people there, setting up for dinner that night and weddding the next day. beautiful spot.have to post pictures. went and got our hotel, in montecito. nice-got ready and went back up to the ranch and had a mexican fiesta style dinner. talked with joey wrights mom and jamie corthalls mom. weird. they are both getting married. had an early night . then the next day we went to sb -shopping on state street etc. mom and i both got clothes for the wedding.then to the wedding. the wedding was the most beautiful and touch ing things i have ever experienced...a couple things happened and were said to me that altered my entire thought process. it was very informal. the thing that has struck me is this: i went up there as a family obligation and my heart and head were full of thoughts about how perplexed i have been about love and romance and how solitary i feel and not open to anyone or anyhthing-in that frontier. - on the drive up , jen told me about her experiencesf over the last few years(unprovoked and without her knowing anything about my thoughts in this area or my experiences..) she told me how she was all good with being single till lately and she started to feel sad and a little lonely...then she proceeded to tell me the coolest love story that is happenning to her RIGHTNOW. it was so cool . but of course i thought nothing of it-just happy for her and still wondering if or when this would happen in my life...off we go the wedding and i am introduced to a girl named jill , who lives on quadra island and she (once again completely unprovoked) tells me about her amazing love story that she is having -over the last month- so i start seeing a little synchronic action here , like the universe is giving some beautiful examples... then at he ceremony-they read a poem that floors me...it feels like it was written to me. i am so aware of thr fact that i was given direct signs this weekend that things are good and there is true love and it is available to all who seek it. i dunno, it may seem cheesy , but it felt so poignant after the last 6 months of soul searching and felling sad about things in general. the poem on my index page.it kills me. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/29/2001 10:45:00 AM ----- BODY: i am nuts-i feel like my mother is going to make me have a nervous bd she doesnt do anything-it's the buttons she pushes(she INSTALLED) by ..........breathing.. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/29/2001 10:13:00 AM ----- BODY: so much -going to sb this weekend . mom is her. max staying with jc -i am a bit insane with everthing and everyone-but i feel good-saw et and b this am at urth. feel good. like i am free of something enormous. i am ready -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/27/2001 01:33:00 AM ----- BODY: dk came over and hung out this eve. nice to see him. walked the dog-went up the street and met p with ss mj jo and mi-went to jones's for dinner and then i went to ns's to help plan his trip. he's so funny. very much a perfectionist, i think. feel alright, albeit a bit sleepy. i understand so much about my feelings that have come up this past few months-awesome talk with ss. i see that i was doubting my self and my own process-and i have become so mis trusting for whatever reasons. BUT i am not mistrusting- i believe people aand there isn't anything bad about that. i say things to others, sometimes that shock me...as in advice that comes from my mouth regarding life or love or whatever and as i hear myself say it- irealize i must listen to myself more often...i am becoming a person that i like ...if that makes any sense..i'm so punchy. i guess i am coming out of this intropespective period and reaping some beneifits from it i don't know what any of this means -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/26/2001 09:50:00 AM ----- BODY: lc2 this am. breakfast at urth w/ jc and hil.haven't seen hil in forever. it was very good to see her. max came with -he is having SEVERE seperation anxiety. i didn't even get to set foot in the meeting. oh well. today i'm helping ns w/ computer shit. and maybe lunch w/ lak.or mi. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/26/2001 02:00:00 AM ----- BODY: i want to not go to bed on a sour note. i want to sleep well and wake up with gratitude and love in my heart . i feel very vulnerable, as i have so much over the last 6 months-not weak, just open and sensitive. i want to use these lessons in my life , of late to spread good stuff-not be grumpy and judgemental. it just doesn't feel good. i pray that all those i felt resentful at get more loveand peace in their lives NOW. i pray that it all works out . everything. i pray that my close friends know i love them and how important they are to me. i pray that those i don't see/speak ;yet are important in my heart; KNOW that they are dear to me(even if in odd ways) i pray that max is happy . -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/26/2001 01:33:00 AM ----- BODY: went to china town -ate with wayne and mj and mike d. he's funny. same birthday as me. went to les duex. so crowded. saw cuteboy.he's kinda lame. everyone is right now. i don't know what is going on with me. i am in such an odd place. i was so annoyed by people in general this eve. i got to visit with et, though, that was a nice way to end the evening. i can hardly stand to see some people. feel like i don't fit with any group. not that i nesaccarily want to , it's just a thought that randomnly has occured to me,over my lifetime . tonight being one. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/25/2001 05:13:00 PM ----- BODY: just when i feel good and as though i am over all past grievances-i get hit with something from left field. ran into vh on larchmont and came across the fact that we both knew someone in common and she was seriously crushing on him...ykw. god, i felt so weird and icky. it made me feel sad. i am over it-i just haven't had to share this area with anyone i know... now she seems to have ..well whatever it all doesn't matter anymore-he hates me and i know the truth. it's nothing more than the facts. i guess ijust thought it was a special thing between us and from what she says -they have the exact same thing..that is what makes me sad-as the whole thing took so long for me to rectify..i had it down to the fact that we had that time together for whatever reasons and the gift was the shaft of light that peeked in when we were together-the whole passing in the night thing but more 'poetic' whatever-i guess not. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/25/2001 01:20:00 AM ----- BODY: vespa party was a lot of fun. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/24/2001 01:43:00 PM ----- BODY: slept in again-felt so good. ns came and took me for coffe. he said the show yesterday was unbelievable-so envious-he had an amazing day/night.sounds like-topped off with courtney love buyiung him in and out burger and flashing him her chest... crazy life.i ate with ag and mi last night then sat with mj and wayne till 2am-fun.-mellow. max will not stop barking. gg liked one of the designs-needs to change a few elements-but seems to like general idea of one of them. supposed to be going to the beach for a bbq-not into it,though. tonightis the vespa thing. should be fun.i'm thinking that it will be a nice change from the insanity that is work , for me , right now. i told mj i would go shopping with him, too. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/23/2001 05:17:00 PM ----- BODY: feel weird about the house thing.caught, if you will. i cannot say no to some people and it is going to be my demise, as it has been before. i am feeling good , physically. not too tired or cough-y. i am worried about max a bit. tonight i am going to call kf and see if she wants to eat with us. i feel like a messy house causes me much anxiety. i am in add stress now. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/23/2001 03:19:00 PM ----- BODY: hot here.poor max. i take him out and he is suffocated by the heat-then he sits in side and goes crazy...what to do? slept in this am. larchmont w/ mi mj and sally. worked for the last hour or so. sent specs to gg. we'll see. it's so daunting-sending your art to be rejected(or accepted) going to get a new phone, i think. look at some furniture. tonight i got nothing.eat, perhaps a movie. ugh. feel hungry and a bit grumpy. bored, just don't want to be at other pwoples mercy right now, i hate that. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/22/2001 05:23:00 PM ----- BODY: lak's book is very well written(reading it now thaat i finished 'white oleander' -which is soo good) she is getting a ton of press -next week here and then for cbs in nyc. her life is an example of faith + action = abundance. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/22/2001 05:21:00 PM ----- BODY: good day- although weird still. lc 2 in the am w/mj. t?en to coffe w/ sally. awesome talk. then to home walked max. made a vet appt. then to sleep. then to pay bills..finally. gas and cable and internet. then to larchmont w/ ag and mi. met the cutest group of boys . ofcouse i loked like dog poo. oh well. apparently they were at the party lat night but i sure didn't see them. now i am going to clean my office and the rest of the house....and take pitures and finish the sands site. right away. now. after i walk max. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/22/2001 01:01:00 AM ----- BODY: feel odd-scared of all the change around me.weird day-went and looked at a place with sally on mansfeild -it was the unit below c and dr...how weird. i can't do this, though. my mom and i had a big talk (feel great about that) and i can't afford to move right now. as much as i want tobe somewhere better kept etc. i have to learn to nurture this place and really put some effort into chaning it. went to motorola dumb stoopid party. giftbags were just ok. party =lame. went twith ad. so we had fun chatting-she is definetly good partner for these sorts of things, cause we can both talk alot and entertain ourselves...good quality. walked down to the boys house t]after the party-borrowed mj's truck for the am. still don't know what i want to get-what i can get is more like it... we'll see. i need to pay bills tomorrow morning then work work work all of a suddden i have so many jobs at once. yeah. now i have legitimate excuses for not being able to go out i don't know what this is but i feel like i miss someone or something. it's an unameable thing-just a little gap in my tummy. weird. haven't talked to ab in a long time it feels like. that isn't right though, i'm sure i've talked to him recently...ajp leaves tom. morn. lc is reopening though...yeah . d leaves for whistler tom.... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/21/2001 11:35:00 AM ----- BODY: i am so edgy today.i feel like everyone is pissing me off and wants too much from me. i am overextended and i want to hide.(after i tell everyone to f-off) i have no tools for dealing with this up to my neck shit- feel like i am about to burst from agitATION. ok . the good news is that i am getting a new car-jc turned my mom around in her thinking and talked her into cosigning a loan for me.and....perhaps i am going to mexico , too. wow. that is all really cool stuff. fuck, i need to figure out what the deal is with borrowing a truck to gt d's couch. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/20/2001 11:07:00 AM ----- BODY: dinner for bw's bday at dominicks-nice group,was nice to be with such a varied group. wayne is very cool. so is jo. spoke at al's mtg. great. mi came and so did jb. grateful for that. still have a nasty cough. spoke to jc, he is offering to fly me to mexico for a week next week. niiiccce. i have such awesome friends. wedding in sb next weekend. then maybe down to mexico? could be fun. my crush life is odd right now-there is still neigbour boy-but something weird is happeneing in me-i am not interested in anyone really and their seems to be a lot of 'oppurtunity' around. i might be getting addicted to this single-dom.just coming home to walk max and work. weird, i guess i still feel so worn out from my previous trysts and so untrusting-i find myself thinking the worst about all these guys- like when thay are being so nice to me i am sure that they must have some thing up their sleeve-or a gf in spain or something.i never thought i could become so jaded and mistrusting- letting my guard down soo much this last time caused a bigger wound than i first realized still needs time to heal..i guess(?) i am not angry or anything anymore- i am not even sad-just so aware of the realities of people's abilities to let you in and come in to your life and then completely shut off. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/19/2001 01:19:00 AM ----- BODY: les duex for dinner with ajp and d and kf tis eve. nico came and had a long visit. as did rl and mi and ag (although i didn't get a chance to talk to them nearly enough) nice visit w/a mj drove me home-went to ralphs and grocery shopped-just finished helping ns with email troubles... not very sleepy. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/18/2001 06:13:00 PM ----- BODY: ns and mj brought me an iceblended over-lak came home...brought me her book and signed it..so cool. i'm so blessed to haesuch awesome friends. having dinner this eve at les duex with ajp and d and some random others. should be fun. don't know what to do abot my home page. want to do a redesign but i'm stumped-don't know where to start. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/18/2001 11:36:00 AM ----- BODY: have had such a hard time withthis system of late- finally decided to move my journal and redo all the tags etc. to make sure it wsn't my code that was fucking it all up-seems istill don't quite understand but i can post to this log so here it is-different archives here. weekend was good, if not a little boring. friday watched the game at ns's. then to jl's bday.lots of people i havent seen or don't really want to see anymore..good though. then to hc to hang with ab for a bit. saturday, worked and drank coffe and tried to stay cool. skipped ryan s baby shower-felt ok about doing that as i don't see why ishould wadte a dimeo n a person who doesn't ever call back and when i do speak to her -makes me feel like i am a bad friend(???) done bitching. sat eve had dinner with many .ds, new canadian friend.hilarious- ilove him. then sunday looked at an apt. on my street with sally(ns's mom) then larchmont with mi and sd later. took a cake (ugh) hs ab and ns gave it to me. watched sex in the city and then picked up mj at the airport at 1am. lc2 this am. now trying to straighten out my finances and life in general... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 6/18/2001 11:12:00 AM ----- BODY: ummm heeelllloooo???? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/20/2001 01:52:00 AM ----- BODY: feel as though i haven't written in here in sooo long. i got so frustrated last weekend. i am still in money fear, but not that bad..i am going to ppay a bunch of bills on monday-adfter i go through them tomorrow. fun fun fun. dinner tonight was fun. definetly a spark between the two companions i brought. not a good thing, though, as he is finally in a relationship and does not need any distractions -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/14/2001 03:56:00 PM ----- BODY: don't know what to do about this situation i've put myself in...with money. i have none. i guess i have to practice ultimate faith. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/12/2001 04:59:00 PM ----- BODY: i don't understand what is going on with my blogs..thay won't publish... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/07/2001 09:23:00 PM ----- BODY: the excercise of writing in this format and following through with missives i send myself, is purty cool. feel like i am being accountable to myself....now i hve to be accountableto the dawg,too. i gots to take him fer anuthah walk...perhaps i'll run into cute neighbourhood boys...when i had max the first we would walk a certain route that passed all the cute boys houses in the hood..except.. WITHOUT FAIL (this is the goshdarned sadsad truth)max the first would always take a dump on one of the cute boys lawns...oh the mortification..of picking up stinky steamy dog poop and trying to look sexy -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/07/2001 09:10:00 PM ----- BODY: i am so confused right now about what is really going on in my world. i mean, i am doing the 'work' that is front of me, and i am living 'humbly' but why did i get sick(gawd, am i a hypochondriac or what??)i must be delusional right now. i don't know what i'm talking about. when i was little iused to love being sick-so my mom had to take care of me and i could watch tv( we weren't allowed any tv growing up..xcept with the odd babysiter ) i think i have a hard time being sick as a grownup, because iam alone always..and because it reminds me of being loaded and dope sick...ughhhh -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/07/2001 09:04:00 PM ----- BODY: just deciding whether or not to write an email t ykw. fucker.i guess with the way i am feeling it's probably not a good idea. i am sick , definetly...but what is this? ifeel weak and quesy alittl escrachy throat, but nothing of note. it's all cause i started smoking again, i know it. the dog is already driving me crazy-i think due to feeling crappy only-he is really asweet easy dog-just young and untrained. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/07/2001 05:09:00 PM ----- BODY: woosh we went for our first walk together, max the second and i. His personality is funny..he's quite bright- ie:when i stop on the walk or just start lallygagging..he takes the part of the leash closest to him , in his mouth and starts pulling"walking' me. now hw just 'escaped' as i was writing. he walked out the door and starting trotting over to the neighbours house....i hope he isn't a runner, like max the first. i still feel yucky and shakky..but not as feverish. took some zinc and bought a v8 at the corner store. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/07/2001 04:31:00 PM ----- BODY: goddamn. i feel solight headed.i took some antibiotic samples the doctor gave me last time i was there. ihave enough for a'cycle' i feel like i have the flu or some weird cold that won't quite come on fully -it's just hovering. i still am having the urge to email/phone ykw. i think it comes up when i'm worn down and more emotional. the dog is being very good. just chillin on the floor playng with his chew toy and takingthe odd ramble around the house to check it out. well ..we fell asleep before posting the above paragraph an dhad weird(?)internet dreams. now it's time for a walk with max the second , to get him aquainted with his temp. 'hood. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/07/2001 02:24:00 PM ----- BODY: weird shit. i just called jf to tell him that i got a new dog ...(oh yeah , i took the dog."max"..he is the cutest sweetest golden/setter mix..he's max 2) So i call him in ny all excited and he's fine and pleasant (pleasant as he can possibly be..)anyway, he asks if a friend , who is on their way to ny to go 'work' for him, can come by and get some of his stuff.right away it's odd; our relationship started with me going out there to work for him...i know how he operates..and he's sounding nervous. he tells me one too many times that she is an old friend he has known forever..etc(i didn't ask..)anyway, so she comes over and she is definetly nervous and emitting all the signs of someone who is sleeping with your ex..funny thing is i don't care, i thought it was funny , actually...i was fascinated more than anything; to see what she looked like etc. Anyway, i am still sorta tripped out, but she was very nice(despite being very nervous)and cute in that anti-cute way. Max- the dog-is staying with me for a month - i am enchanted by him , i just wish i wasn't sick . i really feel weak and crappy. shaky and stuff. hmm. i took tons of echinacea and juice and other shit. oh-cuteboy from saturday was there this morning and he was totlally playing some other girl-didn't give me the time of day.NEXT? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/07/2001 01:22:00 AM ----- BODY: now i am gong to bed, i believe i have solved my little codeing problem and i am ready to quit o bsessing for afew hours. i have a decsion to make about this little dog that dm has asked me to take for the month , whilst his dad is in rehab. an irish setter named max...oh my is taht a coinicidennce or what 9 the dog of my ex bf jf , who i had 'custody ' of for almost ayear while he was getting settlesd in nyc , was named max, too. and the physcic astrologer lady told me that any animals i was offered i n the next month, to accept(?) -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/07/2001 01:15:00 AM ----- BODY: o -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/07/2001 01:09:00 AM ----- BODY: listening to australian woman talking about wax she created for unwanted hair -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/07/2001 12:59:00 AM ----- BODY: errr -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/07/2001 12:11:00 AM ----- BODY: what the f&*^??? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/07/2001 12:05:00 AM ----- BODY: i'm so frustrated right now. i am almost thirty and i feel lost. i know this seemimgly comes out of my depression of the last three months ..but i feel so trapped by my own behaviour and lack of ability to change things.although i guess this is where the spiritual stuff comes in. i need to meditate/visualize etc. it's the only way forme to keep hope right now. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/06/2001 11:27:00 PM ----- BODY: i can't seem to find my posts -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/06/2001 11:14:00 PM ----- BODY: trying to change the font -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/06/2001 11:10:00 PM ----- BODY: feel hungry and thirsty to the point of insatiabilty. i hate this. i just want to feel better. my period is O.C.-very crampy. feel lonely . like i wish i was closer to mom and patrick i really feel like i miss dad in weird way. i hop ehe knows it. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/06/2001 10:56:00 PM ----- BODY: nice walk up the street.it's so wild that our block is so calm and 'suburban-ish" and then one block up is the madness of hollywood. the amount of drugaddicts (practicing ones that is) in our area is staggering. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/06/2001 09:38:00 PM ----- BODY: feel a bit less like i am detoxing, but my food cravings are insane...which leads me to believe that i am having some sortof menstrual induced imbalance sickness type thingy.mj just called and i didn't answer because i am to flushed and irratable. i need to go for a walk. the moon is crazy bright right now. the moon makes me want to fall in love. it's supposedly the biggest (most powerful ) moon this year..scorpio, i think. i am going to check it out right now. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/06/2001 05:30:00 PM ----- BODY: slept till 2;30 pm today-short bursts of waking up- but felts sick i couldn''t move. reminds me of when i was living in mexico and i would wake up and feel hollow and beyond hungover-probably after i had done c or h or some crazy pills all the prevoius day/night. and today i feel the same way. 4 years w/no drugs/booze later, go figure. i guess my body is really rundown from lack of excersice and smoking again and general poor eating habits. so i went to trader joes and bought tons of comforty food: teas and juices and wheatfree raison bread and almondbutter and REAL butter(mmmn)and ginger snaps and tortilla chips and garlickysalsa. i can't believe how cheap it is there.compared to erewhon. it's crazy Some lady in the store was really nasty to me and almost made me cry. i think she was drunk or something. she yelled at me for openng one the fridge doors on her leg and told me to "fucking wakeup and get a life"(!!!!!) i am so tired and sick that i took it soo personally. all i said back was "whaat?' and then "god bless you " i don't know where that came from, but at least i didn't say "go fuck yourself crazy be-otch" my instincts are getting kinder, i guess. i think this sickness is tied in with my period, too. i have not felt this incapcitated by it in a long time. it's kinda nice having the sick excuse. feel justified in staying home etc. have mini sunday blahs, though..mostly from sleeping so late. makes me feel like a drug addict. also ..(while i am rambling like this..) i had an overwhelming urge to call ykw and yell at him , as i was inline at TJ's. i don't know what i was going to say, but somthing GOOD-glad i didn't though. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/06/2001 02:38:00 AM ----- BODY: can't get the font just right. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/06/2001 02:19:00 AM ----- BODY: met ab and sv at the club and we went in ..and it was a really cool space. apparently the guy who owned it, sold it and doesn't care what they do with it-so they are throwing after hours clubs with all these insane dj's spinning for halfhour sets.jolen was there. he is so cool. it was an odd ccrowd. but i liked it. felt sick though, so sv walked me home and here i am.writing to youse.i feel weird. good weird.like my life is about to change drastically.to quote beck"things are gonna change..i can feel it" i love beck, i should listen to him more. glad i got the cd's i got today though. - buddah bar III-morning becomes ecletic live-daft punk-rushmore soundtrack(for the faces song, mostly) thouroughly enjoying 'em all, i am. i miss my dad right now. not in asad way, just a meloncholly way. the time of year etc.i can't believe it has been almost 2 years since he died -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/06/2001 01:03:00 AM ----- BODY: had dinner with mp. was great to see her and catch upz- i can't believe how nice it was so her -someone who has known me through out my time in la.her two friends from nyc met us for 'cocktails' it was great . really cool ,funny people. makes me hopeful when i have evenings such as these. all this shit works.thinking positive stuff and asking for better friends to come into my life. now i am going to see ab spin at some club up the street. i am so exhausted i don't really want to go. i just want to go to bed. feel like i am still getting sick a bit. throat is scratchy. gawd i can't stand being sick. i am such a baby. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/05/2001 04:42:00 PM ----- BODY: i base everything i think i know about semi-strangers (ie neighbours i don't know beyond hello..) on my judgmental perceptions...my filters through which I see the world ...and what i'm getting at is: - it's all wrong and i don't give really cool people (probably cool?) a chance and i give assholes huge chances -all because my filters are all dirty and need to be bleached clean of my old perceptions and judgements. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/05/2001 03:52:00 PM ----- BODY: listening to pj harvey'yousaid something" i want to send it to ykw.it's too perfect. fuck . -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/05/2001 03:41:00 PM ----- BODY: n came over and l emailed me. and i emailed her back. weird . she said she's been very depressed but no mention of why i haven't heard from her in two months. maybe she was using. hope not. more shall be revealed, iguess , in time. she actually just called here but i didn't answer,because idon't feel like seeing her or talking to her today. too selfish of me?i don't think so, but i am realizing that all this stuff happeneing around me is in conjunction with doing my 'manifestations' oir visualizations or whtaever thay are./.they are actually effecting my outside circumstances.. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/05/2001 12:18:00 PM ----- BODY: had breakfast w/ cute boy and cute dog of his. oh my , he is sexy. very rude ,though.funny rude. so exihillarting(sp?) spending flirty time with cuteboy.charges my whole day. it's cinqo de mayo and everyone and their dog is in malibu-don't think i'll go- went to virgin, bought a bunch of cd's.now waiting for n to come over and bring pictures to load into the website having dinner with mp..haven't hung out in sooo long. could be weird. but it'll be fun .perhaps a few others should be invited into the mix. don't know if i want to be one on one w/ her.maybe jb .. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/05/2001 12:04:00 AM ----- BODY: just got back from dinner. so much fun. lak's new boy,jq, is awesome.so funny. he just did a rap record and his producer joined us after dinner and he was the coolest guy. colin. he 'advised' me on mixing boards etc. jb was with us also. ajp went home early . good to see him alone for a few minutes before eveyone else arrived. we are all going to malibu for the day tomorrow. nice. ab and s and gg sat behind us at dinner tonight, so it was like being at two dinner parties at once.feel happyier than i did before i left. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/04/2001 07:46:00 PM ----- BODY: feel alot of energy coursing through me. don't know how to channel it. i am drinking a 'B3' energy drink..i think it works -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/04/2001 07:36:00 PM ----- BODY: hmm i feel scattered. a just called. she wanted her mail and rather than getting her to come inside, i just gave it to mf(who she was picking up)i'm over the whole deal of being judged and talked about. i let it all go.so there. ajp sent me a very sweet email and we are having dinner at the restaurant w/lak and jq.i have to pretend that i don't know they are doing 'it'..could be funny-.wonder who else will be at the table. thinking alot about ykw right now. just miss his humour and companionship. shit , i could almost cry , but not quite. don't feel obsessed with the 'why's'anymore..just a little sad at the outcome's resulting absense. it's the time of day..just before sundown , when i would usually be getting ready to hangout w/him.i was always so pleased to see him never failed. i just got happy being around him-i don't know if i've ever had that before. that's probably the reason that i am having so much difficulty getting over it. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/04/2001 10:34:00 AM ----- BODY: i am feeling so drained. gawd i hope i 'm not getting sick. not such a big deal if i am, cause idon't have anything to do this weekend (that can't be cancelled.) but i just don't have anyone around..ya know to take care of me or whatever. shit I just realized iam allerigic to soy!!!EVERYtime i get a soy honey latte at urth:i end up thinking i am getting sick and coughing for hours. sheez.glad i figured that out. now i am going to continue my abundance experiment -lie down and visualize my life as it will be. err ....as it IS. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/04/2001 10:08:00 AM ----- BODY: so i went to the lc2 this morn and lak was there. so nice to see her. she is madly in love -but it is an icky situation..the guy with whom she is falling in love with(and he with her) is her best frinds ex...See lak was consoling him after she (lak's bff)dumped him and moved back home and the consoling led to lust etc etc. oh i do not envy her, i know about this first hand . very similar to me and jf's getting together. anyway..nice to see her. went to urth after much chatter outside and i got really pms-y -actually had a hissy fit over not having a table and others sitting in my seat.gawd i was so awful that i had to call and apologize to w and mi. i feel shitty,i acted very baby-ish. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/04/2001 06:38:00 AM ----- BODY: the light is so pretty in my house at this time of the morning. feels very hopeful or something. kak is coming into town this weekend. she has she hired a town car becaause she stll can't drive. fun . -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/04/2001 06:23:00 AM ----- BODY: i wrote a huge post last night about my dinner with ab,mf,ajp,hil and crg...but it's gone. shit. ah well. i was funny too.anyway. dinner was good. very relaxed. surprised me at first;that so many were there. but it was for good company. ajp was very funny. entertained me . sometimes i think he doesn't know how funny he is. mf MADE my night. he showed me ...and everyone else. (with all sincerety)..how he applies his wrinkle cream for his crows feet..- apparently used to be quite bad and have remarkabley lessened with his daily applications of said 'wonder'cream. it was an excellent moment. the boys went off to the maxim [arty at moomba apres dinner..i went straight home and had a beautiful sleep. i'm ready to hit the lc2.. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/03/2001 07:21:00 PM ----- BODY: put up my who's who index. i am having dinner w/ ab at lc. quite pleased with this . although i still haven't had a shower etc and i have to be there in 45 mins. better get going -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/03/2001 02:55:00 PM ----- BODY: so many thngs to think about. i was so excited to go see my cousin dj this eve.,then i called to find out what time and he said it was cancelled.fuck. i thought it would be a new fun place to meet cool people. i guess not. and my reg. thursday night date is off due to ab working a maxim party. maybe i'll go to that.not. i can't think of anything worse than being at a function tonight with all those scenesters. not into it at present. ykw emailed me the lamest email ever the other night. now, he doesn't even respond to my emails. he waits about a week after i send one and then he writes a little prefunctionary note about nothing.what hurts the most and is still needling me is; he acts like we never connected the way we did. like i made it all up in my head. i thought i'd found a real friend.he sux.i guessi have to forgive him ,though and myself in order to move on. i only know i have to do this because of advising other people to do the same with their situations. i mean if i keep being set back by him and his lacks i am not a very good example to those i try to help or those that seek my advice am i? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/03/2001 01:09:00 PM ----- BODY: n came over again.gave me more money.more ideas for the site. i told him he has to buy a dig. camera.so i agreed to go with him on saturday to samy's. listeneing to marcy playground. wonder what happened to these guys. they remind me of using. actually good recall. makes me want to get high. but of course i won't cause my life is locked into this sober thing. sometimes it makes me resentful that ican't just take off and go to aforeign country and sit in a hammock and be high and write in my journal. gawd i loved that. being in belize or mexico and just being peacefully high and feeling soo good and far away. that warm, cozy lazy feeling . it was so safe from all 'bad'feelings.but now i get to feel all my godamned feeling 24-7-thank you sobriety(?) -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/02/2001 11:01:00 PM ----- BODY: went to remedy tonight at the whisky. good turn out for them. had dinner after at swingers w/mi. felt weird at the show. hil and z were there among others. hugged z, but felt so uncomfortable watching her . ughhh. when will this end???i can't stand being in this place of feeling ostracized. maybe it's pms..but.. even ab was weird. shit.anyway...rusty called me this eve..sb emailed me. these all seem like indicators . towards what(?) i don't know. but tthe two people i love the most from home contact me on the same day after neither of them has been in contact for months?hmm..there is definetly something in that. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/02/2001 06:36:00 PM ----- BODY: hmmm what am i doing?mom lft today and i feel a little bummed(go figure) i am still in my state of letting every preconceived notion about myself/life gooooo it's hard, cause i get caught in the sadness of what i think i want(ie;living here..) and how much home depresses me. ahh well. i shall try to rise above these thoughts and stay open open open there is greatness in me waiting to come out. i'm going to write updates on what is turning up around me, due to these new thoughts and mantras So far:n came over and we talked about his site and what he wants etc. he handed me a bunch of money and gave me free reign on the design stuff(!)don't know what this all means , but i shall soon.. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 5/01/2001 07:01:00 PM ----- BODY: so i did the right "thinking" thing. i "manifested "good feelings etc. -what it feels like to be happy joyuos &abundant. i also realized that i am not on my right path.It is obivious because everything is so hard, i am scared shitless, but i am ready tp let go of everything i know or think i know and 'want' ie;living here....In order to start following my path that will lead to a life of fullfillment and joy.i know we are all entitled to this sort of life. it is what we are meant to be doing here. So i am having this epiphany-perhaps the greatest shake down i've ever come to on my own,without a disaster happening around me,- on my online journal.yeah blogger. i wonder what to do know. it is about becoming willing and continuing to let go. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/30/2001 11:13:00 PM ----- BODY: so iam going to start having themes for my writing each day. or each week. i guess . noone else reads this, so it wil be about my experiments with myself and my life and my faith in myself. starting tonight:creating what i want...ie:manifesting. okay so, i'm going to do these affirmations . i am going to meditate and visualize myself having peace and happiness and all sorts of crazy joy and really feel what it feel likes -before i fall asleep and when i get up. then i'll post my results... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/30/2001 07:14:00 PM ----- BODY: trying new stuff -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/30/2001 06:39:00 PM ----- BODY: feeling muh anxiet;like i do not know my place in the world and it scares me to no end. i wonder f it is the time of month coupled with my mom with everything else that is going down. i am going to be thirty in one month., that doesn't freak me out. waht freaks me out is not knowin gmy purpose and not know where i am supposed to be in the world. i wish someone would just come over to my house and tell me " you are supposed to be doing this for the next blank years..so here is who to call and they will set you up with what you need etc.-and don't worry, it's all going to be cool and you have a great life ahead, starting now.so go ahead "and they would leave me with an outline to refer to and a 1800 3 to call if i needed further instructions, and i would KNOW.phewf. why can't this happen? didn't people in the bible have shit like this happen, all the saints had someone tell them where to go and what their purpose was, ..... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/30/2001 09:45:00 AM ----- BODY: this am , i went to the lc, met s(new friend) there. he is very sweet. went to urth. feel less depresed. yesterday the hopeless factor was so high,it scared me. i felt like i was backsliding..into that pit i was in all winter. i still have someanger residing in me, but i 'm getting over it. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/29/2001 07:45:00 PM ----- BODY: went to sd's . met ap there.glad i went. always makes me feel better. now, we have to go see ss do standup. ugh..not my kind of thing at all.the thought of watching someone who may not be funny scares me. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/29/2001 03:15:00 PM ----- BODY: old bf that hated me just emailed me back and was very kind and very honest about how much i had hurt her an dhow great, origanilly, our friendship had been. wow. AND..mom and i talked about my financial sit. (or lack thereof)She is being fearful, rightly so, i guess. because once again i am in need of $$. I can't seem to do anything right right now. i am not bringing in any money and i have so much to pay out. i ahve some pretty hard desions to make. do i move out? where?to v? i would die. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/29/2001 02:29:00 PM ----- BODY: feel really blue right now. don't want to do anything but sleep. but i have to entertain my mom. should take her out or something. uhh . shit. i just feel yucky. like thereisn't anything to look forward to. i am scared of nothing and everything. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/28/2001 07:12:00 PM ----- BODY: of course , now , as i am supposed to be on my way out..i am divinely inspired to do all this stuff to my site. whatevah -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/28/2001 06:27:00 PM ----- BODY: btw-my old bf that emailed me the other day..i emailed her back and she hasn't returned my email...hmmm she's probably not online or something-has to go to her parents to use the computer, perhaps. maybe i'll meet someone tonight at j's. right.. i never do.cute player boy is not going to be there...so i don't get the element of intrigue. ahh well i guess the universe is waiting to put monsier perfecto in my life... i'll let you know -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/28/2001 05:05:00 PM ----- BODY: mom is here. she is sitting in the lving room 'quilting'. we stayed in last night and ordered chinois.then later we walked up to stircrazy and got peppermint tea. nice. she likes my computer. stayed up and checked her email and stuff. i was exhausted(mental drain) woke up early and went up to virgin ms.then to erewhon and she hooked me up with some organic grocerys. then to lrch cb for coffee , then out for breakfast w/ jc. then to u.o.'s -where she bought me clothes(yeah mom) home-i slept all afternoon. now just killing time before j's party. (8pm) talked with ap , will see him tonight , later at the LC. having a nice mellow time with mom. i am scared to tell her about finances...god i hate that. she has to help me, though. please let it go okay....... -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/27/2001 04:57:00 PM ----- BODY: none of my links work..whoops. except the email one.ahhwell. something to do -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/27/2001 03:52:00 PM ----- BODY: feel so tired and unmotivated. found out that cute guy from the morning mtg. is a bit of a player. roamer , he is. and seems to like m's friend. ahh well. i'm not that worried about it. i just want to not be bored and boring all the time. sent some email today to ykw. fucker. i am so pissed at the way this has turned out. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/26/2001 10:56:00 PM ----- BODY: it's all changing and swirling in my head. my thoughts are on overdrive. i read some great things today, but i am too poor at this to link or quote..so take my word for it-my best friend in the world from 12 till 23 emailed me tday. no big deal right? wrong. she hasn't spoken to me in 5 years. nothing. - she hated me so very much that when i got sober , i was too freaked of her ire to even attempt to make amends to her. but see, after all that has gone down in the last few months with my friends here..i decided i needed to get over it and find her and apologize for being a drugaddicted badbadbad friend.mostly because i'm sick of the cycle i fallinto with women friends-thinking it's great then stopping trusting them then believing i did something wrong and dropping out of their lives-all because of this inbred belief that i am a bad friend and i am not. -not anymore. i was with her though. and that is why i need to clean up my past shit so i can start being a better friend and stop doubting myself. damn -good self-therapizing,eh? -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/26/2001 11:59:00 AM ----- BODY: email me. al@taintme.com -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/26/2001 10:53:00 AM ----- BODY: ok, after having read samantha's thought s on what a blog could/should/tries to do, ifeel like i need to follow her lead and have some sort of purpose or structure to what i aim to give/get from this here rambling series. let's see..a mission statement will be my goal for myself today. that's it. by the end of today i will have a personal purpose set in type and posted for me to see up here , of what i will be writing about for the next little while. some ideas..a journal about being 'sober' in your twenties..nah , if anyone were to read this then i would be breaking anonimyty(sp?) all over the place. perhaps.. what i 've learned thus far , in general, imean- i do have a lot of life experiences that are somewhat shocking..i know i could start to write my memories of travel/drugs etc. stupid. i'll have to figure this out whilst working, then get back to myself on here ,later -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/26/2001 10:02:00 AM ----- BODY: went to urth this am w/ m. cute boy there. sooo cute. last week,at dinner, dp said that i was worse than any guy she knew in respect to checking people out.. hmm, i really never think of myself that way. but i guess i am . i mean i am single. but i 'm that way whether i'm single or not, i guess. wrote jb this morn. she is in mnnpl , working for a few months. i always wonder if she and z talk about me. i actually wonder all the time who z talks about me with -cause i know she does. that is the way she is. c was there this am , and he started smoking again. i get a sick pleasure from that.i think ap is coming home today from ny. scared to tell him i am smoking again. i feel like he is my dad , sometimes. mom arrives tomorrow. want to make the house really nice for when she gets here. going to go to cb now and get a hot drink, cause it is freezing today. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/26/2001 12:13:00 AM ----- BODY: today i wrote the longest post;only to lose it as i posted it.don't feel motivated to write at all. i've been home al night. didn't go to the bday party. dk bagged out ,so did dp. i am so tired but i 'm having the hardest time sleeping. as isolated as i am these days, i am so into this time alone.it's weird, though.to go from too many people calling and wanting to do stuff- to noone.-i feel a bit resentful when i think about the circumstances but then i get over it. i was only geting annoyed with most of the people in my life. mom is coming on friday. should be fun. please please don't let us fight about money or anything of the ilk.i'm a little atressed about lack of income. but not too bad. i have such a crush on new boy. saw him this eve-on a random tv show. looked kinda gay on it, but still cute. i hope he is at the party at j's on saturday night.i told j to invite him . we talked onthe phone at length this eve. (j and i) feels good to have him back in my life. mom will be happy to hangout with him. sat night will be fun.( regardless of new crush being there or not,) -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/25/2001 12:53:00 PM ----- BODY: mission for today: i am going to spend the day redesigning my own site, no work.WHY oh why did i take a job redoing a freaking online furniture store. how much is that going to SUCK-ahh free furniture will be good. although it won't pay the rent -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/25/2001 10:29:00 AM ----- BODY: last night, although exhausted beyond beyond, i had the nicest dinner w/ ss. she and s broke up and it seems like a really good thing. it was just one of those relationships that i thought(judgmental me) was 'off'. they were both awesome. but he is so much older and she didn't see how great she was. or something. anyway... .. after dinner at the restaurant. we went to g's. it was dead when we got there. and i only wanted to go to see if the french boy was there. i stayed till it was packed beyond belief ( with all the tacky types,mostly) and went home at 12:30. no french boy-was going to get up and go to the cabin, but didn't quite make it. nice morning though. coffee bean sunshine reading new blogs of random people. Actually, i started reading this one girl's and it really freaked me out, as she sounded so much like me from years past..like when i was in the throws of it all with todd etc. it was so sad to read. she is doing all the bargaining shit i did. like if she lived somewhere else it would all be better..if she could just ignore the mean assholes around her, she'd be okay etc etc. yuck makes me sooo damn grateful for the life i have today. also, brent called and he is so fucked up. it's knarly. he is always high when he calls and acts like he's not. even at 10 am - he is high. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/24/2001 10:16:00 AM ----- BODY: my life is getting so weird. i went to the lc this am, had breakfast w/michelle and her 'gang' of friends. as i sat in the cabin , i thught abut being where i am . this place in my head . it's definetly a differentt state of mind than any i have known. meaning i don't care that i am not in contact with my old 'group'. i am finding this nonattachment relieving and although i am lonely and bored at times -. it is giving me a perspective on who i trully am. and who i want to become. i think that i want to find my true right path in the world and work is the starting point. teaching myself these new programs is a step in the right direction, if only for my enjoyment at present. i guess the signs that those 'others' -as i 'll now refer to my old group of friends-were not helping me were always there. i just chose to ignore them.it can be so much easier to hang out with assholes sometimes , if only because you don't have to look at your own life due to judging everyone else. i guess i was just ready to start activating my destiny. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/23/2001 05:29:00 PM ----- BODY: hil is back. yeah! can't figure out what is wrong with me..perhaps lack of food coupled with isolation is dragging my system down. whatever. i'm feeling a bit inspired to make something of this site, now. i wonder what it is i am here to do, on this earth, i mean. feel as though if i stay in this state-i'll never do a thing productive again. such an odd place to be. like being on adrug run- alot like that, actually 'cept without the fun of the 'high' i'd know, eh? god i can't believe it has been soo long since i did drugs. i am at major cross road in my life. but ican't see what the choices are. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/22/2001 09:53:00 PM ----- BODY: good thing i can't entertain myself and i'm practically thirty. it's sunday. international day of depression. why? it 's the intrinsic sense of impending drudgery from 13school years of monday mornings. what else.? i wonder if ishould go to the 'party' at les duex tom. eve. i went last week, but i was feeling incredibly unsocial. always abad move to go out in that state.adds fuel to peoples fire of judgement i want to have acrush on sum boy. there is the french one. but it seems so far fetched. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/22/2001 09:44:00 PM ----- BODY: how annoying. i can't find a single thing to do. i've surfed and surfed and all i've ended up with is more wants.. ie:digital camera that works. and books and cd's.good thing it is my birthday in 39 days. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/22/2001 07:35:00 PM ----- BODY: i am insane alittle right now. i know this because i am immobilized in front of the macheen and can't decide what to eat/do/write next. hmmmmm.not such an interesting connundrum, i know. but a connundrum nonetheless. i get so much satisfaction knowing i can do anything i like.yeah -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/22/2001 07:10:00 PM ----- BODY: i've been inside almost all day and it is soo super sunny out . and i don't care. i am not bummed that i didn't go outside. i have a little monitor burn ,but nothing serious. got to figure out what to do with my time this eve.i need a project of some sort. perhaps i should paint. or find out what the sun mags. readers write topics are and write an essay. -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/22/2001 05:09:00 PM ----- BODY: trying some new sizes of fonts -------- TITLE: AUTHOR: a DATE: 4/22/2001 04:56:00 PM ----- BODY: i am so overjoyed to have figured out how to post this to my site that i have no idea what to write it's sunday april 22nd. last night marked the beg. of my 'saturn return'(what??!!) i 'll be 30..in 39 days. holy shit that's unbelievable. i live alone(finally) i am working sort of more like, i am working on woking formulating outlets for myself. i feel confused about my 'social' life at present i am the least social i have ever been ever ever-isolater, i am.. no that's not right either. i just don't understand what has happened with it all. or what it was, i guess. obiviuosly it (my social life..)was not based in much substance..for it to have vanished so quick the 'real' parts of my life are so clear to me. i am having a spiritual awakening as i write this.. i mean: i am realizing that what i was asking for, from the universe was:who/what is real in my life and i have got it. i just didn't expect so many to slip away.so many i 'took 4 granted' were going to be there(here) i believed in too much , didn't look at signs.hmm. what i see right now is the beginning of clarity.or clearness. knowing what i want for once in my life -and acting on it. --------